Abuse? Hypersensitivity? I don't know

Bravo Kooz - well said!

The biggest step we have to learn is our parents have good and bad aspects, but most importantly that they are NOT extensions of you! You have your own identity, uniqueness, and originality.

Absolutely - but it's also important that you realize and accept that you have good and bad aspects too and not be so hard on yourself, and that you aren't extensions of your parents either (even if they might think you are).

It's perfectly acceptable to tell your parents that their behavior hurt you and continues to hurt you (probably wouldn't say "you're a bad parent" because that's a judgment, not a statement). I would definitely suggest that you NOT act like everything is okay, because you're lying to yourself and making yourself vulnerable. I know it's difficult to tell them your truth because you're afraid that they'll be hurt and it's always been your job to fix things and make them happy. That's the distorted family role they put you in -- let it go and focus on your own needs and health. It's hard to feel those feelings of guilt when you pay attention to yourself, but they are temporary feelings and will get better as you define yourself.

It's also perfectly acceptable for you to stop interacting with them altogether if you feel that strongly. You're allowed to do whatever is necessary to take care of yourself and get healthy (well, other than killing someone or breaking the law) -- it's your basic right and responsibility as a human being. What I did with my mom was write a calm letter (ok, it wasn't calm the first version) telling her how here behavior hurt me, how it's affected my life, how it still hurts me, and that I didn't want to have any contact with her anymore. Now, you don't have to go that far, maybe just take a vacation from them for 3 or 6 months and see if you feel better....

This great book I read said phases exist to deal with a bad childhood.
I've already done, "shock and denail; awareness that I've been abused, and offended"
What I'm working on now is:
3. Appropriate expressions of feelings of hurt, grief, anger --- I think I've done this.
4. VAlidation of your perspective; some form of justice ---- ironically I think posting to this board; the therapy I did already di that.
5. A plan for minimizing the opportunity to be hurt by the wrongdoer again.
6. Letting go and moving on with your life --- I've done this once before but I didn't have #5 figured out, so I ended up reverting back to old habits.

For me, #5, I feel is my biggest challenge. Financialy independence will be monumentally massive for ensuring that!

Yeah #5 can be a bit hard - I listed a few options that might help you with the financial aspect in your other thread "Quirkiness with Parental Finances" http://psychforums.com/viewtopic.php?t=20353.

Hope they help you. I know what you mean about slipping back into old unhealthy habits... just means that you weren't totally "cured" the last time and you still had something left over to work on... it's a long process so don't be hard on yourself. Once you've been damaged by mental/emotional/verbal abuse, you're really vulnerable to it because your mind has been messed with... it'll get better as you set boundaries and deal with yourself and issues.

hello plicketycat and kooz

I just wanted to jump in here, as I am having some very similar issues, with manipulative, verbally abusive parents whom i am now (at age 29) financially dependent on.

The thing is, i filed for disability because of my depression, anxiety, horrible insomnia that makes it very hard for me to hold down a job, especially any job with a strict attendance program, and horrible mood swings that have lead to verbal confrontations with coworkers and employers. the thing is, i can't seem to find the proper help here in st louis, mo, i was diagnosed with 'depression' by my family doctor, and have gone thru 3 antidepressants and am now on zoloft 100 mg. i can't really say as its doing anything. I have these horrible anxiety attacks that hit about 2 to 3 hours into my sleep period (a large part of but not completely responsible for my insomnia) and force me to wake up, with my heart pounding and this feeling of impending disaster. i then have to sit up in bed and calm myself down before i can go back to sleep, if i'm lucky enough to be able to GET back to sleep.

so, the problem i find myself having is, i can't afford to go to a psychiatrist that could properly diagnose me and give me the proper medicines if medicine is required. i went to a local counseling service, only to discover they didnt have any actual psychiatrists there, only counselors. this was somewhat helpful, being able to talk to someone about it all, but after awhile, i would ask if they had any idea what was wrong with me and they would dance around the idea of diagnosing me. i wanted to trust them and give them a chance, but after being told it only cost 15$ a visit got a 150$ bill that we can't afford, so now i don't even have that.

so, i can't work to be able to afford insurance or the money it would take to get to a proper psychiatrist in my area, and just got turned down for disability, and am going to have to file an appeal if i want to continue the fight for it, meanwhile feeling the immense pressure to go out and work again, even though it had gotten really bad when i had stopped working to the point i was having disputes with people all the time and missing a lot of work.

so, i'm completely financially dependent on my folks, my mom and grandmother (never met my dad, thats another long story that i'm sure i'll discuss eventually). they are both on SSI and hardly have any money as it is, so I never have any money to be able to go out and do stuff, meet people, make friends, find hobbies or activities, i just live here in this little room and no one ever comes to see me.
anytime i need anything they make me feel so guilty over it, they use guilt to manipulate me and keep me under their control, and i want so desperately to be independent, but just don't have the strength right now, and I just don't know what i'm gonna do.

So i've got the numbers of a couple counseling services i'm going to try today, see if maybe i can find something that will help. i have one issue that i've been thinking about. I wonder if maybe i'm putting too much emphasis on getting 'diagnosis and treatment' rather than just sitting with a counseler and talking out my problems, but the thing is, i did the counseling for 2 months, the insomnia did not go away. the waves of feeling worthless eased off a bit but did not go away. I am fairly convinced that i've been misdiagnosed and don't just have 'depression' because would depression explain the anxiety attacks and the insomnia and the mood swings???

i mean, if there's something else wrong, isn't it important that i know what it is and get the PROPER treatment/medication for my problem, aren't there problems that, if i were prescribed zoloft mistakenly, that could cause me worse problems? am i obsessing too much over getting a proper diagnosis, or have i got the right idea, and should i be insistent with my doctor and therapists that they work to properly diagnose me rather than just shoving zoloft at me for 'depression?'

well, thanks again for listening to me rant. I read thru this thread and thought that jumping in and talking with you two might be helpful for me, since you both seem to have an intelligent grasp on similar issues.

on a side note, plicketycat, i love cats! that lil bugger in your pick is so cute! I recently adopted a neighborhood stray we've named 'smokey' for his greyish smokelike coloring. he's a handful. he comes and goes, doesn't like to be inside for too long.

Waitin' for the sword to fall,
Dam0cles

Dam0cles - welcome! I'm currently determining whether to go on SSD, so I'm interested in how it goes with your struggle to get SSD/SSI. I know that they decline every mental health diability claim the first go around, so don't get discouraged! You might want to get a disability lawyer to help you with your appeal, you don't have to pay them unless you win your claim and their fees are very reasonable.

You should still go to the counselors, because something is better than nothing... but I understand your frustration at not knowing your diagnosis and the proper treatmenet for it. The counselors should be able to write a supporting evaluation for your SSD/SSI paperwork, and that's really helpful, but you have to talk to them about everything that's going on. Also, if you can enlist any of the people you used to work for or with to write a letter about your issues at work that also helps, too.

When you win your SSD/SSI claim, you'll be eligible for Medicaid/Medicare and that will allow you to get a higher level of psychiatric care. So you might have to wait until then to get your diagnosis. I personally feel getting your diagnosis (and the right diagnosis) can make a big difference in the effectiveness of your therapy in the long term, but just talking about your problems and the thing that went on and are still going on at home is a good start.

In the meantime, you might want to discuss Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) with your family doc because (in my non-professional opinion) your symptoms strongly indicate it. Depression + Anxiety + Insomnia + Emotional Outbursts... all these are common with PTSD. Do often have obsessive or intrusive thoughts that make you anxious? Do you feel that you are always on guard and always watching everything for any possible danger? It is possible to get PTSD just from an abusive childhood, or you might have experienced a specific trauma that you're reacting to. There's a PTSD board here http://psychforums.com/viewforum.php?f=148 that you can look through and see if it feels right to you. Your doc and the counselors may change their tactics if you tell them this is what you suspect you have.

Best of luck!

hi 'cat!

Do you often have obsessive or intrusive thoughts that make you anxious? Do you feel that you are always on guard and always watching everything for any possible danger?

This is me to a Tee! yes, all the time, I might be trying to do something else, write or draw, and these thoughts just won't go away, i try to set them aside but I can't...

Wow, I think I will give this a go. I feel pretty good right now, I've had some very positive changes to my thought processes these past few days from trolling these boards. I feel good enough that those thoughts of getting back out there and working are nipping at my mental heels, but I realize this is just because I haven't felt this good in awhile and I don't need to rush ahead. i'm gonna go make some calls and get some counseling appointments set up and maybe a doctor's appointment. i've got some other things I need to do today too, but i am gonna work on these things. if the counselors and my doctor think i've made enough progress to try again, thats fine, but i've been here before, feelin this good, then soemthing happened and set me back, so i'm not gonna let that happen again, not gonna rush forward into a crash.

thanks a lot, your advice has been a great boon to me. I'm gonna take it to heart and add it to my arsenal. We shall see... Yes indeed, we shall see...

Waitin' for the sword to fall,
Dam0cles
PS, notice how i'm not venting anymore, but talking about positive things and possible strategies to employ to make my life better? not to get ahead of myself, but I think the sword might just have fallen...

I keep meaning to stop typing and start drawing, but I just thought of one more thing to say that might explain another piece of the puzzle.

On the subject of the PTSD, I had a horrific childhood, and i've always believed it scarred me...

I was raised at a puppy mill, with decay and death constantly all around me, by conservative nutjob 'psuedo-christians' (if you don't understand that term, i'll explain it later) who enforced a 'children should be seen and not heard' lifestyle on me and my sister.

we both have bone issues, i have costo-condritis, she has full blown fibromyalga that I firmly believe is because of this 'milk ban' they put on us, I could go on all day, back then we moved away to avoid social services putting us in foster care, but looking back I almost wish they had... were discouraged from having friends, and isolated in this puppymill in the woods,

blah, i'll talk more about this later, to take Puma's advice to heart, I feel pretty good to this point having vented a lot of stuff, and don't want to "kill my buzz" as it were by drudging this stuff up, i'll take a break from venting for a bit and use my period of feeling good to get some artwork done and phonecalls made. See, puma? I feel ya, thanks, I totally get it now. Everything in moderation...

Waitin' For The Sword to Fall...
Dam0cles