Abuse? Hypersensitivity? I don't know

I'm confused as to whether my problems are due to abuse, hypersensitivity, or something else. When I was little, I felt like the happiest, most optimistic person in the world. I was quiet but not afraid. Now, I'm am filled with feelings of guilt, confusion about what's right and wrong, social anxiety, depression, horribly low self-esteem, social inadequacy, and self-hatred. I've recently begun engaging in mild self-destructive behavior such as cutting and over-the-counter drug abuse, something I would have never expected to do.

I do not know if my problems stem from within me, or if I was exposed to a type of abuse.

My mother and I do not get along. I can hardly ever please her, she almost always disappointed in me. I can please her in a superficial way by getting a good grade or getting a lead role in a play, but I feel as though she hates who I am as a person. As a child I learned to never to disagree with my mom; it led to noisy arguments and criticism that made me very uncomfortable. I learned to shut up if I couldn't find something to say that she would approve of; if I had a different point of view, conversing was not an option: things just erupted into yelling and criticism. If I ever had a differing opinion, it was shot down immediately, I was wrong, she was right, no question. Sometimes when we argued I would get upset, and she would ask me why? 'I'm not yelling at you or criticizing you,' she would say, 'I'm just trying to discuss with you how I feel.' I was confused because I felt differently, but I learned to accept the hurt silently. I learned that my emotional sensitivities and problems were not welcome; they would just create conflicts that I didn't feel comfortable in. Any pain I felt, an feelings I had, I kept secret. I learned that around my mom all that could be displayed was happiness and agreement. I was homeschooled and had no one else to confide in; feelings just stayed inside.

In public, when people asked me questions, I'd often stay silent while my mom answered for me, just in case I said the wrong thing.

As time went on and I went to high school, my social skills were hardly existent: after all this time of being taught respectful silence, only speaking when my mom asked me to, and then only saying what she wanted to hear, she became angry with me because my quietness would make people think I was snobby. She said I could be popular if i wasn't so quiet. It was frustrating because I didn't know the first thing about expressing myself to people.

When I finally made some friends, I was overjoyed and one day she caught me giggling with them. She told me that I needed to stop being silly and giggly, it was ridiculous behavior and boys don't like silly girls.

I made a friend who took Special Education classes, and she told me to dissociate myself from people like this who would ruin my public image. I made friends with a fat girl, and she told me people would think I was a haughty pretty girl surrounding herself with ugly friends to make herself look prettier: I needed to associate with popular, pretty girls, she said. I didn't know how. The friends I made were nice and I loved them.

As I got older I tried to tell her how I really felt about things; other people had accepted my honesty and I wanted her to as well. She told me it was very hurtful to hear that I wanted different things in my life than her, and that if I was going to feel that way she didn't want to hear it. She told me to lie to her face, so she could at least pretend I had the same views as her. She insisted only her views were right, and I was a knowledgeless adolescent.

She bought all my clothes, always. So many days I got dressed in the morning, in the very clothes she'd bought me.. but she simply didn't like the outfit I chose that day, and she would wind up yelling at me. So many days of the school week I went out the door crying, I couldn't avoid the yelling, because I never knew whether or not she would like the outfit I chose that day. One day she threatened not to let me go to school, I tried to walk by her out the door, and she swung me around and ripped my backpack off my back.

She got really angry with me when she saw me talking and smiling with my new friends, wondering why I wasn't the same way with her? I was hurting her, and that hurt me. But it was so hard to talk to her when half the time I had to lie to her to keep her happy, and I prefered to keep quiet.

One day I tried to tell her that she had hurt me. She swore never to speak to me again, saying she was terribly hurt and couldn't understand how she'd devoted the last 18 years of her life to raising me - and I'd come across as an ungrateful brat. My dad, who I've always admired, came in and told me that telling her she'd hurt me was the most irresponsible and cruel thing I'd ever done, and I'd best go tell her I didn't mean it. I did.

She had crazy mood swings, sometimes she was so nice to me, sometimes she'd get in horrible moods where she'd throw things around yelling and crying.

I feel so guilty for having caused her so much pain, and simultaneously blaming my own pain on her. I've really come to hate myself: my social incompetence, my anxiety, my negativity, my inability to trust, my fear. I don't know what's right and wrong, what feelings are appropriate and what aren't, it's hard to make decisions. I have this irrational fear of being ridiculed. I fear I will never learn to trust people, I feel I am depressed and socially anxious without a real cause. Have I just become a hopelessly hypersensitive individual who is overreacting, or is this some mild form of emotional abuse? I just need to know. I don't want to accuse my mom of cruelty she didn't inflict, and if these emotional problems all stem within me, I need to know.

I mean, what if she's right? Am I really too sensitive and are my emotions inappropriate?

What if my opinions and views really are completely wrong? Is there something wrong with my logic here?

I am so sick of myself and confused. Please help.

Thanks for the reply. You're right, I know she doesn't mean to hurt me, she's being the best mother she knows how to be. I wish that there could be some understanding between us, but it looks as though that won't be happening. :-/

We are both very sensitive individuals, she reacts in a more extroverted aggressive way and I react passively and inwardly, so I suppose this contributes to more tumultuous feelings on both sides.

I now this thread has been cold awhile, but I just joined and came across it. I have very similar situation with my mother, and my dad was an enabler as well.

I know she doesn't mean to hurt me, she's being the best mother she knows how to be.

This might be true... but you are allowed to be angry and disappointed because her best is not good enough.

Accepting that she's human and has her faults is one thing, but you don't have to forgive her for the pain she's caused/causing you.

Think about it this way: if you took your car to a mechanic and he did his best, but the car was more broken when you got it back, you'd be angry, right? You'd refuse to pay him, right? You'd never take your car to that guy again, right?

Why should you learn to accept, forgive and let someone keep breaking your life - just because they happened to have donated some genetic material to you and managed to take marginal care of you when it was convenient for them?

I know this might seem a little harsh, but I've seen too many friends fall deeper into depression or kill themselves because they kept trying to accept and forgive insteading of getting angry and protecting themselves from their abusers.

nadieengana wrote:I'm confused as to whether my problems are due to abuse, hypersensitivity, or something else. When I was little, I felt like the happiest, most optimistic person in the world. I was quiet but not afraid. Now, I'm am filled with feelings of guilt, confusion about what's right and wrong, social anxiety, depression, horribly low self-esteem, social inadequacy, and self-hatred.

Hey, me too! for that reason, I have been trying to reconnect with my youthful optimism and happiness!

I can hardly ever please her, she almost always disappointed in me. I can please her in a superficial way by getting a good grade or getting a lead role in a play, but I feel as though she hates who I am as a person.
As a child I learned to never to disagree with my mom; it led to noisy arguments and criticism that made me very uncomfortable......
If I ever had a differing opinion, it was shot down immediately,.......
Any pain I felt, an feelings I had, I kept secret...... feelings just stayed inside.

okay, yeah.....your mom (like my own mother, so I can relate) displays serious signs of overly-controlling behavior. You can't please her. Can you think of a time that you have ever pleased her -- one small incident? I know it seems difficult to picture, but can your mom be pleased? Most importantly, what makes her state of "feeling pleased" such a high priority of yours? How can you remove that burden from yourself?

......, I'd often stay silent while my mom answered for me, just in case I said the wrong thing.
she became angry with me because my quietness would make people think I was snobby......
She told me that I needed to stop being silly and giggly, it was ridiculous behavior and boys don't like silly girls.

She has you feeling afraid to say the wrong thing, resulting in reticence. But then she simultaneously criticizes your reticence (quietness) AND giggly silliness. Can you witness the irrationality in that? Which one is it? Should you be silly and talkative or reticent and quiet? Your mother's modus operandi does not revolve around expectation (getting a desired state out of you), but rather, control, getting you to do things she wants.

She bought all my clothes, always. So many days I got dressed in the morning, in the very clothes she'd bought me.. but she simply didn't like the outfit I chose that day,

She dresses you? She tells you how to speak? Come ON! Wowie-zowie! I can relate to that,my mom handed out "metaphorical scripts" of what we could or couldln't say to people. Deviation from the "familial script" would result in verbal abuse, blaming-shaming, and usually non-physical punishment. But you have to observe how overly-controlling your mom appears.

As I got older I tried to tell her how I really felt about things; other people had accepted my honesty and I wanted her to as well.

What does this mean? Can you expand on "tried to tell her how I really felt?" I can assume that meant you tried to tell her that her trying to dress you, control your speech, and control most aspects of your life felt uncomfortable and wrong. If you did infer that, what would be the purpose of telling that to your mom? (Again, I'm just speaking from my own perception, which appears, undoubtedly clouded from my own perceptions and my own experiences with my parents, but I'm trying to think as objectively as possible), but changing your mom (punishing your mom) for her wrongdoings does not manufacture the identification and individualization work that you desire.


Also, about the friend thing. Your friends emerge in your life as your companions, guides, and sources of necessary support. In healthy relationships, you get drawn to certain people -- certain friends -- because they offer qualities that you need. Maybe they have more "street skills" and you want to learn that. Maybe they have a different cultural background and that sounds fascinating to you, whatever the allure, true friends provide you with the emotional life lessons you need to become a more wholistic being. (note: friends who provide you with "drugs" that make you feel "high" do not fit into this category. Material things a person possesses for this reference indicate nothing but irrelevance for this discussion).

I repeatedly severed relationships with people that I truly liked and embraced relationships with people that "looked proper" (my parents' definition of proper). Looking back on it, you get infuriated for casting off great friendships that really made me happy. I defenestrated them (threw them out the window) after awhile because my parents' "disapproval" of "fat friends" or "tall friends" or "colored friends" (whatever the idiotic screening) had such a controlling influence on me. I literally couldn't tell the difference between who I liked --what type of people I liked -- and who my parents wanted me to be friends with. In fact, looking back at most of my elementary school "best friends", a lot of those frienships had tremendous authenticity and certainty, but others were entirely manufactured, meaning my parents thought "person X" would be a good friend for my image and so I "became friends with person X". Then you feel confused about disliking a person....is that my parents' programming in me speaking or my own personal observations?:? You eventually sort those out by connecting with your heart, emotional clarity, and focusing on your needs and your beliefs. The true friends always fit into the equation of "fulfilling your beliefs":)

I still display signs of (even with my parents not around) shifting to the type of person my parents would approve of, instead of the people I like. Sometimes an overlap exists (your parents and you both like the same type of person, but in a healthy relationship that should be considered coincidence and not programming;)

She got really angry with me when she saw me talking and smiling with my new friends, wondering why I wasn't the same way with her? I was hurting her, and that hurt me. But it was so hard to talk to her when half the time I had to lie to her to keep her happy, and I prefered to keep quiet.

In direct reference to your original question, this sounds like both -- a combination of both unintentional abuse and hypersensitivity.

I'll elaborate: the abuse sounds unintentional because your mom appears to be genuinely "hurt" at you (rightfully so) protecting yourself from her; she probably truly feels shunned. The abuse comes from your mother controlling your physical appearance, your speech, things you say and do, but the unintentional comes from the part that your mom sounds like a VERY confused woman. She lacks consistency with her demands and apparently frequently contradicts herself.

Your also appear to be experiencing hypersensitivity because you want to nourish your mom's anguished reaction she feels in response to your self-preservation from her overly-controlling abuse.. This definitely would be "maladaptive hypersensitivity" because your mother caused her own pain. She took actions that made you (rightfully so) want to defend yourself, but then she feels hurt by the consequences of her actions. Most people would "cut fish" (disconnect from people) if they feel abused by them, but the hypersensitive person, who frequently has a sensitivity to very advanced forms of emotional body language, seems to "forget" that they did not cause the pain person X (in this case your mom) now feels, but rather that person X (your mom) indirectly caused the pain herself.

I've done this hypersensitivity thing over and over. It feels exhausting, and confusing, but when you get a scope of how ILLOGICAL and wrong and self-destructive it appears, it feels easier to stop.

This sounds like what you (or any hypersensitive person does):
1. Abuse. Person X repeatedly hurts you, makes you feel uncomfortable, etc.
2. Seperation. You (hypersensitive person) finally, patience exhausted, just tune out Person X.
3. Inevitable Consequences. Person X ceases his or her actions that previously made you feel hurt, uncomfortable, etc. and now they only display signs (body language and/or actual utterances of pain) of hurt.
4. Guilt. You (hypersensitive person) didn't respond to things that feel like attacks, but now experience something new -- guilt - and you respond and try to comfort your former attacker, Person X.
5. Abuse. Person X feels relieved and repeats #1. The cycle contines....endlessly.

Hypersensitivity can result in dangerous loops. How to break it? Deactivate step #4. Develop a way to not feel guilty. Guilt motivates step #4 to occur. If you don't feel guilt, you won't engage in debilitating behavior that results in the downward-spirally looping to keep repeating.

Does that make sense? From someone who experiences hyper-sensitivity, that makes sense to me, but everyone has different perceptions.

One day I tried to tell her that she had hurt me. She swore never to speak to me again, saying she was terribly hurt and couldn't understand how she'd devoted the last 18 years of her life to raising me - and I'd come across as an ungrateful brat.

yada-yada...more guilt. Here, your mom has really put the burner on to induce guilt, to lure you back into step 4. Stay confident. be assertive. Don't fall for it. Trust in your feelings and just respect that your mom probably feels confused and scared about something (who knows why parents abuse their kids -- spousal problems, fear of letting them go, warped beliefs, etc.)

My dad, who I've always admired, came in and told me that telling her she'd hurt me was the most irresponsible and cruel thing I'd ever done, and I'd best go tell her I didn't mean it. I did.

Wow! I just chuckled at the remarkably similarity -- almost identical -- to the way both our parents seem to interact. My mom offends me, I tell her off, get scolded by dad, and get forced to go "mend things" with mom. A conspiracy. You feel like a pinball don't you? I did. I've called my mom a liar and my dad wrestled me and got infuriated. Strangely, if I criticize one parent out of feeling hurt, the other one "attacks me" more than the one I may have offended. Honeslty, that still confuses me. I eventually, just treated both my parents as "one person". They always agree with each other, never disagree, they exhibit all the behavior of a single, devastating mind-controlling person. That can be very confusing because your father may have been: 1)aware of the veracity of your accusations (in other words, aware that your mom portrayed overly-controlling behavior), but afraid to admit it to himself
2)actually disbelieving what you said and commanding you to "fix things" with you mom. Yeah, right, like that'll happen .

(aside: because I consider myself to have access to a lot of emotional awareness and sensitivity, I deduced that all my parents' freakishness (control methods) on me and my siblings looked simply like manifestations of their own relationship's discord. They didn't get along or felt infuriated at the other person (mom mad at dad or vice versa) and took it out on us, so I told them to get a divorce! yeah, THAT went over like bread-and-butter . obviously, I do not you advice you do that, simply because of the ineffecacy of the suggestion. If your parents are in such denial of their own relaitonships' problems, having their own kid point out their relationship's flaws will just cause them to cover up their discontent with each other even more. I've had to witness my mom being kept like an "investment" by my father. How she slaves away around the house, trapped in web created by my father, and she then takes the frustration out on her kids. It pains me to see my mom like that and my father doing that, because independently, I care so much about them, but this, most likely is just me projecting what I feel (slaved around the house and controlled) onto them. I feel like I have all this to offer, but am trapped by a controlling parents. It's not unlikely that my mom feels the same way, and I get sucked into a step #4 out of concern for her emotional imprisonment, but that also, most certainly is a projection of my own emotions as well. Besides, if my mom truly feels emotionally imprisoned, you can't change anything when someone is in denial of their state. So then I try to make my mom aware of how "trapped" she is and how shutoff her life is with the relationship with my dad. But I can't even do that. Then I become distrustful and self-hating that I can't reveal my mom's denial of her entrapped state, and the cycle becomes ridiculous. Bottom-line: what other people identify as happy and what you identify as happy or "nor happy" have no comparison. If someone says they're happy; you have no idea what that "specific" happiness means; you only know what your happiness feels like. Same thing is true with identifying your sources of happiness; only you know what that feels like; no one will ever know what "your happiness" feels like ever. So, conclusively, I tried to "sell my parents" on getting out of what really looked unhappy, but that's more "control" and me ending up like my parents, so obviously, I should cease attempts to 'free" my parents. They say they feel free. That's all that matters.They may not "look emotionally free" at all. They can look imprisoned and pained and in fear, but as long as they "say they're free", they'll intractably remain in the same state. Most of these suggestions I've tested out, but I haven't (and don't really plan to) tried this one out: when you start to feel guilty about your mom feeling shunned (after you self-protected yourself from her controlling abuse) and you can't find away to avoid confrontation with her, just ask her, "mom do you feel things are okay with you and dad" or "mom what do you feel now?". If she can't admit what she feels, a discussion about it her feelings cannot exist. Obviously, I am still sorting some of this out myself, too!;)

She had crazy mood swings, sometimes she was so nice to me, sometimes she'd get in horrible moods where she'd throw things around yelling and crying.

yep, more signs of her personal distraught (nothing to do with you!). This sounds like my mom (and dad at times) none for chucking furniture around, freaking out screaming yelling, etc. All of those behaviors feel tremendously frightening but if you look at the fact that all those are simply reactions to their pain and distraught, you can breathe a bit more easily because you understand that you're out of the equation's "cause" and just a variable in your parent's improperly coping with their own problems.

One thing I've been struggling with recently (considering our similarity, you might want to watch out for this) has been an eagerness to "fix my parents" by "proving they acted like terribly intolerant and destructive parents" and to "humiliate their atrotious parenting" with all the insight I've learned. But what would that do? That would, just be an elaborated version of step #4 -- buying into guilt! I've learned about my parents and what happened to me in childhood not "for them" but for me to grow into my own skin, to identify with myself and cultivate more tolerant and validating qualities in myself.

I feel so guilty for having caused her so much pain, and simultaneously blaming my own pain on her.

your a sucker for step #4 -- all hypersensitive people get suckered there:). you didn't cause her pain. she did. simple. period. down. you feel fault, guilt, blame -- why? Because you choose to manufacture those sensations. What would happen if you smiled, or just stared deadpan when your mom said "look at the pain you've caused me"?

I've really come to hate myself: my social incompetence, my anxiety, my negativity, my inability to trust, my fear. I don't know what's right and wrong, what feelings are appropriate and what aren't, it's hard to make decisions. I have this irrational fear of being ridiculed. I fear I will never learn to trust people, I feel I am depressed and socially anxious without a real cause. Have I just become a hopelessly hypersensitive individual who is overreacting, or is this some mild form of emotional abuse? I just need to know. I don't want to accuse my mom of cruelty she didn't inflict, and if these emotional problems all stem within me, I need to know.

Try not to be frustrated with yourself; you obviously display all efforts to do your best given the variables. from the sound of it, you don't even "know yourself". . You know the "self" your mother tried to mold you into being.

Shakespeare said, "There's nothing neither good nor bad, but thinking makes it so." (Prince Hamlet actually said that). Right and wrong indicate moral decisions. At a certain age, your parents perceptions of what's right and wrong will feel like an old layer of skin peeling off. You'll develop your own criteria for what feels right and wrong. Some of your own moral standards may overlap with your parents beliefs; some of your beliefs will not. I currently feel like I'm going through a major solidification process in defining my own beliefs that differ from my parents beliefs. Accepting the differences between my beliefs and the beliefs my parents hold feels like an incredible challenge. Why? Because by being raised with intolerant parents, for a part of your youth (the part when you didn't appear so optimistic and happy), your only criteria for "right" and "wrong" is "does this match up with my parents beliefs" or "does it not match up with my parents beliefs". Incongruency between your beliefs and your parents definitions of "right" and "wrong" does not illegitmate your beliefs.


Moral confusion, self-frustration, and uncertainty can all be quickly remedied with the useful elixer of acceptance.

plicketycat wrote:Think about it this way: if you took your car to a mechanic and he did his best, but the car was more broken when you got it back, you'd be angry, right? You'd refuse to pay him, right? You'd never take your car to that guy again, right?

Why should you learn to accept, forgive and let someone keep breaking your life - just because they happened to have donated some genetic material to you and managed to take marginal care of you when it was convenient for them?

Brilliant metaphor, plickety. Genetic relations does not provide legitimate grounds to repeat step #4 (From my post above, 5th post) nor to continually put your life back into into a "car-smasher" or life-destruction routine.

That said, I've got a question about thread flow. What do you do when someone gives just atrocious backward (almost "dangerous") advice? For example, I've posted a problem (with abusive parents) and some idiotic, obtuse, knuckle-headed poster said that you were indebted to go back to your parents and "respect them and even repay them" despite the emotional destruction and pain they caused.I know that advice perpetuates destructive beahavior; that advice is wrong. If I didn't realize how destructive that suggestion was (because it would exacerbate emotional confusion and turmoil), it could be incredibly "hurtful". The question: "What actions do you take and how do you respond to someone who not only provides "unhelpful advice", but advice that deliberately makes your situation worse? Because you can roll your eyes at just ridiculous, goofy, or irrelevant advice, but when someone holds a conviction that their advice is helpful, when it would seriously make matters so much worse, how do you deal with that? You almost feel like just saying "that's wrong" wouldn't be a bold enough move to exclude the destructive advice from the equation, but you don't want to waste your time "denouncing" someone who makes you situation worse because ignoring would be the most prudent maneuver in such an example.

kooz wrote:The question: "What actions do you take and how do you respond to someone who not only provides "unhelpful advice", but advice that deliberately makes your situation worse?

DO NOT... I repeat... DO NOT engage the enemy! Either thank them for their advice and ignore it (if they are giving it to you in person), or ignore that they even said anything (if it's a post or mail). If you attempt to tell someone that their view of the situation is backward and their advice less than enlightened, they will only harangue you to death trying to force their views and opinions on you.

If you overhear someone giving someone else this crap advice, privately call the person over, validate their feelings, and give them more enlightened advice that is actually helpful. Just don't get into an argument with unenlightened, it normally doesn't do any good.

Our culture is way too embroiled with the religious edict of "Honor Thy Mother and Father"... what about honoring your children, eh?! If you like, you can read my post about the destructiveness of modern religion at http://psychforums.com/viewtopic.php?p= ... ht=#115595.

plicketycat wrote:

kooz wrote:The question: "What actions do you take and how do you respond to someone who not only provides "unhelpful advice", but advice that deliberately makes your situation worse?

DO NOT... I repeat... DO NOT engage the enemy! Either thank them for their advice and ignore it (if they are giving it to you in person), or ignore that they even said anything (if it's a post or mail). If you attempt to tell someone that their view of the situation is backward and their advice less than enlightened, they will only harangue you to death trying to force their views and opinions on you.

Thanks a ton plickety for responding. I genuinely appreciate your response, advice, and words, especially! Oh, I've had my share of being "harangued" conversations, that's for sure. To some extent I've been abused so much that I've almost been forced to take "drugs" because the enemy felt so "right" on their point of view. I think your approach sounds like a SAFE one. However, I don't take as a black-and-white approach. If someone disagrees and it results in friendly banter and neither of us seriously threaten each other, I'll definitely stay engaged in the conversation and share my views using the "argument" as a grindstone. However, recently, after overcoming serious trauma with manipulative, abusive, sick, twisted people that you must label some people as "enemies" and interacting with those specific people only brings you doubt, fear, anxiety, and pain, some people you can never "win" with and interacting with them only hurst and cripples you. (I currently am in such a situation, but feel bound to that person out of finances! So I have a financial problem that infuriatingly seems like there's a conspiracy against me from resolving! just joking about the conspiracy part:). Anyways,
If you overhear someone giving someone else this crap advice, privately call the person over, validate their feelings, and give them more enlightened advice that is actually helpful. Just don't get into an argument with unenlightened, it normally doesn't do any good.

Our culture is way too embroiled with the religious edict of "Honor Thy Mother and Father"... what about honoring your children, eh?! If you like, you can read my post about the destructiveness of modern religion at http://psychforums.com/viewtopic.php?p= ... ht=#115595.

Sorry for the delayed response. I have a VERY STRONG anti-religion (and anti-cult vibe so your post sounds fascinating. Thanks so much for providing the clarity, and sharing so generously your conversational wisdom! Thank again!!

kooz wrote:However, I don't take as a black-and-white approach. If someone disagrees and it results in friendly banter and neither of us seriously threaten each other, I'll definitely stay engaged in the conversation and share my views using the "argument" as a grindstone.

Well, of course, if someone seems open-minded, genuinely caring and respectful of a different opinion then I tend to discuss things with them (whether they agree with me or not). Those are the nice "grey" people... but when you get someone who has some intense personal investment in being right about something that you don't agree with, it's pointless and possibly damaging to continue to discuss your beliefs and opinions. It's all about accepting that your feelings, perceptions and beliefs are valid, and then acknowledging that they are right for you and that you are entitled to your own Self, regardless of what anyone else thinks

plicketycat wrote:

kooz wrote:However, I don't take as a black-and-white approach. If someone disagrees and it results in friendly banter and neither of us seriously threaten each other, I'll definitely stay engaged in the conversation and share my views using the "argument" as a grindstone.

Well, of course, if someone seems open-minded, genuinely caring and respectful of a different opinion then I tend to discuss things with them (whether they agree with me or not). Those are the nice "grey" people... but when you get someone who has some intense personal investment in being right about something that you don't agree with, it's pointless and possibly damaging to continue to discuss your beliefs and opinions. It's all about accepting that your feelings, perceptions and beliefs are valid, and then acknowledging that they are right for you and that you are entitled to your own Self, regardless of what anyone else thinks

Yeah...that's exactly what I was trying to say. Cut bait and don't engage the enemy when they damage you, otherwise it can be okay if they are the "nice" grey area people.

About parents...
What you do with stocks is what you do with parents. I buy stocks, they go up, then plummet, then I feel thankful to get out with the money I put in; sell before they plummet, stop letting your parents many inadequacies drag you down ; don’t buy into them!
Part of my problem was that I would throw months of my life down the drain in agony because they “disapproved-of” quality of my parents made me upset. Parents will always disapprove, frequently disagree, with their children, so why try to morph them into people who “make you feel better”. The biggest step we have to learn is our parents have good and bad aspects, but most importantly that they are NOT extensions of you! You have your own identity, uniqueness, and originality.
You have to distinguish avoiable hurt from unavoidable hurt. An unavoidable hurt is realizing that your mother, for example, is incapable of loving and will always ridiculously find flaws in you. An avoidable hurt is accepting that and to stop expecting your parents to act differently. Stop throwing yourself in their meat-grinder of vacant love expecting it to produce a birthday cake of happiness! Accept that your parents have flaws, are not extensions of you, seriously hurt you, and will continue to hurt you if you remain connected with them. This prevents you from tripping up and reverting back to “needing their love and approval”, which only causes problems.

Pain you feel from parents is about them, not about you. Let that go and enjoy your life. That's what I'm trying to do!

my question is what do you do when a parent re-enters your life after abandonment? A part of me just wants to say "you were a bad parents" to get that off my chest, but maybe that would be "engagint the enemy", maybe the best thing to do is just "act like things were okay" and not interact with parents? The problem with telling them how I truly feel about them is then I feel guilty and they try to "fix things", which are infixiable, just their personalities are wrong. I'm 23 now and really want to (and should) be focusing on my own, new family and really never want to interact with the destruction my parents caused ever again, but am not exactly sure how to do that. I fear they will creep back into my life again and again, causing repeated turmoil. I just need a "block" for them, so I can genuinely commit to my life, my family, my job, my dreams.