I think that my girlfriend was abusive but I'm not sure

When I was younger I dated this girl who would regularly spend whole nights criticizing me. She would berate me for 6 or more hours about things like the way that I would smile or laugh nervously. She would tell me that I was being fake and when I would try to explain we would end up arguing about it all night. “Arguing” is not the right word though, there was absolutely no way that I could get anything that I was trying to say through to her when she was doing this. She used to do this sort of thing regularly, sometimes every night for a week or so, maybe more. She did the same thing during the days, whenever we were alone. She made me cry many many times. Sometimes after a whole night of this I would be so frustrated that I would slam my head against a wall or hurt myself in some other way. It wasn't just the nervous smile and laugh that she would use to torture me like this. I remember her attacking and arguing with me for whole nights because she thought that I was intentionally not telling her about good music that I liked. She used that one a lot. It was an argument that I couldn't win, even though I was absolutely sure that I was not intentionally keeping good music from her. Why would I ever do something like that? One night she accused me of wanting to sleep with my own sister. I had never even thought of such a thing and I was disgusted and offended, but she wouldn't believe me and argued with me all night about it. It was so debasing and awful. It hurt my relationship with my sister, I was less comfortable with her for a while after that. It was really sad actually, my sister and I were really good friends and she didn't understand why I was suddenly more distant. There were so many days and nights like this over the years that I couldn't count them all. And it was even worse over the phone. There were whole weeks when I didn't sleep for a single night because she wouldn't let me, and if I did just hang up the consequences were god awful. Unfortunately, she was the first person that I fell in love with, and I let her treat me that way for a long long time. She was two years older than me and I had never even kissed a girl before I met her. She had absolute power over me because I was in love with her and I desperately wanted her to love me back, for years. I didn't understand how wrong the things she was doing were, she had me convinced that I was a terrible person and she was my one saving grace. I wasn't sure that she was wrong to do those things at the time, she had me convinced that she was doing things like that because she cared about me and wanted to make me into a better person. For a while she had me fetching water and food for her and when I would bring her those things she would say “thanks slave.” She says now that that was just a joke. She spent days on end telling me that I didn't show her that I loved her enough. She cheated on me with her ex boyfriend. Once when I thought that she was really being hurtful and insane I decided to record what she was saying so that I could check the next day when I was in a different mood and try to tell if it was me that was acting crazy and being impossible like she was telling me. When I did check I was more sure than ever that what she was doing and saying wasn't right. I remember listening to the recording a realizing that literally the whole thing was her battering and abusing me, I couldn't even get a word in. When I told her about this she she got so angry and eventually got me to deleted the recording and to apologized to her for doing that. She made me feel like I had done something really wrong. I think that it made her feel good about herself that she had so much power over me. This is all just scratching the surface, I can't even begin to express how torturous this relationship really was. Sometimes she wouldn't let me sleep for two or three nights in a row, and when I started falling asleep involuntarily she would get really angry at me. Every once in a while when I couldn't take these arguments any more I would pack up and leave in a rage. I always went back because I'm a ######6 idiot. To this day she still wants me to believe that I was wrong to ever leave like that and that it was such a terrible thing to do to her. All of this is just the tip of the ice berg, there were so many other incredibly hurtful things that she did and said to me. Our relationship was like that for years. I'm starting to understand now that all of this has had a very severe impact on me. This “friendship” led me directly into a very deep depression and an addiction to heroin and then to meth. The first time I decided to do heroin it was because I was thinking of her. When I first got addicted it was because I was always thinking of her or talking to her and it would hurt me and I would want it to stop, so I would turn to heroin. It became such a habit that to this day when I talk to her I immediately want to do a shot of heroin. For years I was thinking about her all of the time when I wasn't talking to her. It was such a miserable situation that I thought about killing myself over it all of the time. I would shoot heroin because I thought that it was better than killing myself outright. That relationship shattered my self-esteem and any sense of self-worth that I had. I've wanted to kill myself more times than I can count since I met this girl. Now my life is in ruins, I still think about killing myself every day. The only reason that I don't do it is because I don't want to hurt my family. To this day when I smile or laugh nervously around people I become very self-conscious and experience an agonizing shot of self-hatred. The primary emotion that I feel toward myself is loathing. I have terrible depression and anxiety that has me constantly feeling like there's no point in me going on. I'm trying to recover from the addictions now and it's one of the most painful things I've ever been through. I never will completely recover. I can't get close to anyone else now. I don't even want to be in a relationship anymore. When I think about trying to get into another relationship, the first words that run through my head are “I should just kill myself instead.” At the same time, I am so lonely and I wish so much that someday I could find a love that isn't poison. But I think that she has ruined my ability to ever be in love again. Before I met her I had friends, I was in college, I was excited by life and love and I had a bright future. She ruined all of that. I tried to talk to her about all of this but it got nowhere. I feel so angry at her now for what she did to me and for the effect that it had on my life. I feel that she ruined my life. Am I wrong to feel like this? Was this emotional abuse? What should I do?