Has my childhood negatively shaped me?

To start off, growing up, my mother was physically and emotionally abused by my father. He no longer hits her but the words are still there. My mother emotionally abused us because of her pain. She once asked me why I can't be like everyone else and she always is extremely disappointed in me. She used to hit me as well. Even though she treats me like crap, I always do anything to please her because I want her to love me.
Also, when I was young, her friends son used to take me to his room to hang out but would always just show me his dick. He never touched me tho. I told her and she told me not to tell my dad because she still wanted to hang out with them. I had seen his dick 5 times since I told her, I was 10 when it happened. I no longer go there.
No one in my family knows how to love. In my entire life, I have never truly felt loved, nor have I loved anyone. I have commitment issues, trust issues and I won't date. I have such high anxiety and I feel lonely all of the time. But even though I am always lonely and want love, I can never break out of this self loathing shell I've created for myself.
Am I just making excuses for the way I am or has my life shaped me to be someone I don't want to be?

I am afraid that I will answer yes to the question. We are all shaped by our experiences. Some experiences are enabling others we carry like the weight of the world.

No matter how we start, we can make a deliberate difference to our lives by trying to positively influence change. It may be hard but unless you try it will never happen.

Don't let your childhood define you, and yes I have been there and done that and at times still struggle.

The struggle with it, is worth it.

Good luck take care.

agreed..

You're not making excuses at all - until now, you've done what you needed to do to survive and that often involves emotionally shutting down to self protect..
The hardest thing of all is to learn to trust when you've never been able to before - that takes a lot of careful and gradual work but it can be done - you can start to step out of your shell a bit now.. it's a lot safer out here than your childhood made you believe and there are many good people.


Have you tried out therapy at all and if not, what do you think of trying?
One thing that could be really helpful for you is group style therapy/support sessions - it would start you off really gently and allow you to get to know other people that feel very much the same way as you do..
asking you to jump into the world instantly is far too much pressure so please don't expect that of yourself and try and stop beating yourself up.. you're doing amazingly already - you need to build up trust slowly xx

I have tried therapy, does not make me feel better at all. I don't like having to pay someone to pretend that they care about me. I have good friends but even then I don't tell them about my problems, I just help them with theirs. I try to be more trusting and outgoing but I never succeed. I try to love myself but that's hard to do as well. Thank you for listening to me.