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Mother refuses help to get out of an abusive relationship

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Mother refuses help to get out of an abusive relationship

Postby mrodriguez96 » Mon Jul 20, 2015 7:19 pm

Hello everyone!

I really don't know what to do and I would like to see what others have to say about this situation.
I'm the son of a single mom. She's never been good selecting men. She's had several failed relationships. The last before this one ended because the guy was married and everyone pressured her into leaving him because the wife would contact everyone trying to embarrass her and it was just a horrible situation. And she blamed it on me and occasionally still does.
She's a really good person in other aspects. She's not perfect but I believe that besides her problem with men, she's a really good mom.

So for about six year she's been with this guy that's 13 years older than her (she's 49) and he's a horrible person. Luckily we don't live with him but she goes to his apartment every weekend. At first it wasn't so bad, but it became unbearable for us (me and my grandmother) recently (for the past 3-4 years or so). He treats her like the worst crap in the world. He yells at her as if she's his servant. He calls her a whore. He also calls us (my grandmother, uncles and aunts, cousins) names and humiliates us though not in our presence because since we found out how he treated my mother we've never invited him over or been in the same room. He has texted offensive things to me and also about my family. Somehow that was my fault according to my mother because I know how he is and shouldn't have provoked him (I told him I didn't want to spend New Year's Eve with him).

I don't think he beats her regularly. But he's been aggressive. I saw him pushing her out of his car once, and a few weeks ago he punched her in the face. According to her he did it as a reflex since she was trying to get his found out of his hands so it wasn't intentional. And she got this horrible bruise in her mouth. He's been held for aggression, fraud, corruption, but was never sentenced for anything. Oh, and once the guy's son threw a can of beer to her face and she bled. Long story, but he ended up calling her a whore and stupid bitch. (She was there to bring him back to his apartment because he was drinking with them and she hates that.)

We're a really great, loving family. She's financially successful and self-sufficient, and the guy gives her nothing. She doesn't have a child with him. He's old and unhealthy, so sex is probably not a reason. There is nothing besides her emotions/thoughts/traumas?/etc. attaching her to him. I go to this wonderful therapist who loves us and has supported us for years but she refuses to let her help her leave him. He doesn't want to go to therapy either.

Anyway, this is taking a toll on us. I'm growing to resent her. I really am. I am disgusted by what she does. I can't believe my mother is doing this to herself and her family. And she doesn't let us help her. What am I, an 18 year old guy supposed to do about this? She refuses help from anyone. She doesn't realize -or refuses to realize- that there is something seriously wrong with her relationship. I'm going away to college in 2 weeks thankfully and hope that our relationship dies eventually if she keeps her relationship with this man going. She lives with my grandmother so I'm kind of worried about that, because she gets crazy when she is confronted about her boyfriend. But my uncles and cousins are really close to my grandmother so I know they will look out for her. My mother is broken and emotionally sick. But what are we supposed to do, force her into getting treatment? Force her to leave? I don't think we are legally allowed to do that.

I live in a sexist country where even women who want to leave their abusive partners are not given sufficient help. I doubt my mother, who does not want to leave him at all, is going to be given any help at all.

Please give me advice on what to do. My therapist tells me to just respect her and support her and try to get her to see things clearly when I think is appropriate. But I feel sick pretending to love her. And I don't think I'm helping her pretending everything's ok as it reinforces her belief that her relationship is nothing out of the ordinary.

Please give me advice.
mrodriguez96
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Re: Mother refuses help to get out of an abusive relationship

Postby Terry E. » Wed Jul 22, 2015 8:26 am

People in relationships are one of the most puzzling things in the world.

When I was very young my mother fought with my father constantly provoked him into fighting, hitting her then she attacking him, she hit him with a saucepan one day, sounds funny but it opened him up. He retreated to our back yard, it was a Saturday morning and I went out to see him. I was maybe 5 or 6. He was in his pyjamas he was calm and looked very sad.

He did not leave. Only when she cut up all his suits and shirts except one did he face the reality it was over and left. She was a monster, but he could not see it.

My father was one of this countries best ever accountants and later became CFO of a major international corporation, one you would know the name of.

She treated him terribly. Later she tried to kill him twice. He never acted on it. I could never understand.

Many years later a found out a family secret about his grandfather and got better perspective.

What is happening to you is you are struggling to understand and possibly loosing respect for you mum.

I can understand that. Always try and keep her in your heart even though at this time it hurts, because you want her to be happy and you can't see how that will happen. You may not understand but don't close you heart.
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