Abuse from an adult daughter-help

I hope I'm in the right place. New to this site. I put into Google 'how to deal with an abusive daughter' and I finally arrived here.

I wont go into all the stories, suffice to say, my daughter is 27yrs and still abusing me. Ive been her punch bag, mostly metaphorically speaking for all her life. In-between what I now label as episodes, she is just beautiful and caring and kind and sensitive, then whammo, she's off on one. She becomes beyond reason and is the most spiteful person I have ever come across. I had hoped she would grow out of this, although these incidents seem to be less, they are more painful as I get older. She will turn at any given moment and its which way the wind blows as to who she fires at. As a teenager, I had the police out on many occasions. She lives with her three children now and her fiance, who now get the brunt. They have also had the police because she has flipped. But when the pressure is on, she is always able to make things right and the butter wouldn't melt in her mouth kicks in. Just a very brief outline.

My difficulty is, looking after my emotional self. Every time this happens, it is so painful. My son and his family, myself (I'm single), and my daughter and her family all took a camping vacation. She was 'on one' and I sensed trouble. She kicked off at her boyfriend. He came to me and said he couldn't stand it any longer and was leaving. He left and came back, then she left and didn't come back. She caught a taxi home. We were all frantic looking for her in the dark. She left us with her three children (my grandchildren). The eldest 10yrs said "I think mummy has left because of me". This broke my heart. I then got the message of abuse. This time, it was because I had been disloyal! Well in truth, there is always some outrageous excuse to abuse me. It is an excuse to lash out.

After so many years of it, I have decided to detach myself from her completely. I simply don't know any longer how to deal with it. A few years ago, she had an episode, I thought that she has issues with me,I'm going to let her get them off her chest. I allowed an hour and a half of pure venom to come from her. I did not retaliate, i did not try to reason, I just let her vent as the tears just rolled down my face. I have given her the opportunity to share how she feels about me, but I'm not prepared to do this every week. After the holiday, that was ruined for all of us, I sent three messages telling her, that I know she's hurting and I love her. Come and talk and have a tea. I also rang once and she would not answer.

I decided that this is too far this time and I have dismissed her from my life. This means that I wont get to see my grand children grow up. I find it a very lonely and sometimes desperate place. I actively decided to stay single so that I could invest all my time in my family. I guess I'm really looking for people to chat with who are in a similar situation and how they deal with the blows, and if there maybe a solution. I know that after 27yrs of being abused, my self esteem takes a terrible knock. I wasnt a perfect parent but I did my very best.

I am so sorry for what you are going through, been through and the pain that will lie ahead.

You don't see your case very often, I think we are collectively scratching our heads for some words to help. I have an appointment this morning (my time) but will come back here later today.

I am kind of scratching my head a bit here as Terry says..

I'd love to be able to give you a message of hope and tell you that you can get this all sorted out quickly.. but sadly, just as some parents are clearly lacking in empathy - unfortunately, now and then there will be a child that didn't manage to learn that other people are just as important as themselves and if this is carried over into adulthood, the result is so so difficult for the persons parent to come to terms with.

A couple of questions if that's okay..
You said that;

In-between what I now label as episodes, she is just beautiful and caring and kind and sensitive

Is this really true or is this something that you say to yourself and others because of your need to defend her.?
When she's not in an episode, if you ask to discuss something that she did in her last episode, will she instantly be kicked off into another episode?
Can she talk about her real feelings? like sadness or feeling vulnerable at all?
Where's her dad/father? and is he similar at all?
xx

Ahh seabreezeblue

Thank you for your response and question. No, not at all, everyone who knows her would say what a perfect angel she is, and find it hard to believe until witnessed. People, like my mother in the very early years, I'm sure didn't believe me when I spoke of the venom would come from her. Her grandmother was truly shocked when she saw the messages that my daughter used to send me in peak.

She will discuss 'what caused the episode' and justify her behaviour. There is always an element of truth in what has happened, but her response is extreme and without control. Occasionally she will use physical violence. She in a way is like a small child in an adult body. Yes, she can discuss what she perceives to be the issue, but not her response, that would possibly cause her to kick off but not necessarily another episode. She is a very sensitive young lady. I dont know if I am permitted to say here, please remove admin, if not. I have just purchased a book,called 'Walking on Eggshells and it focuses on people affected by people with borderline personalities. This is the closest I've managed to come to find similar behaviour behaviour patterns. '

This weekend, my family, manipulated an encounter. I had blocked her from my life. So of course, I'm thrilled to be back in touch, very nervous, and know that the next episode is in the post. As I understand, in fact she told me, she was arrested during the last event about 6 weeks ago and taken from her home to the police station. My grandchildren would have witnessed the whole thing. Her reasons are valid on this occasion,(She is the Mary Poppins of all Mums, simply a brilliant mum in every way and has never lashed out on the children) but her responses are not. The way I see it is, I have three options.

1. To learn to not allow the episode when it happens to hurt me so badly. I've been practising for years.

2.Change the relationship to a more detached one

3. Remove her from my life.

I will be lulled again into a false sense of security now, until the next. However, I feel very much less alone now that I've found this forum

Misdy, Sea asked what I was going to. Where is dad in all of this. I unfortunately am also going to ask more questions than give advice.

This forum is so impersonal, the anonymity at times is good but I really wish I could give you a shoulder to cry on. It sounds like you have worked very hard to have a happy family. It must be terribly frustrating to be where you are now. However if you can try to answer some of these we will see what we can offer. ... so lets go.

Is the fiancee the father of the three children or was that father driven away.

What sort of job does she have. Has she had any episodes at work or does she just explode at you and the fiancee. Does she have any hobbies interests.

Did she do study how did she go, how did she go at school.

You say she has not exploded at the children (I must warn you that I tend to focus on the kids). The story about her daughter is very real. She may nor be directly abusing them but it is damaging them, and of course you know that, it hurts to see it.

When these things happen does she explain them away in a rational way that bends the truth severely, or is it like they never happened and going there risks further drama. Does she lie a lot or deny a lot.

Also can you elaborate or your childhood, marriage, drinking, triggers (and sorry if it may be painful) etc.

How is your son's relationship with her.

The number 27 resonates. You were in a program for 27 years, the program was 27 years ago (your daughter is also 27) ?? Can you elaborate. Did you indicate that you had issues, did you get counseling, treatment, medication ??? You indicate she was very difficult even when young. How difficult.

I am sorry if I am digging to deep, but it is difficult to know where to guide you and we do want to help.

Also this is a good place to vent. it often helps. We often feel that no one understands. I assure you ........ we get it.

We are not professionals ... we are professional survivors.

Sorry if that is a huge invasion into you life, maybe just give us parts at a time.

You sound like a fine woman, would make a wonderful grandmother. I hope you can get there.

You're very much okay with mentioning the book - we ask that members don't advertise their own books without asking permission from admin (and then they can only advertise in a specific area of the site) - but I'm pretty sure you aren't the author of Walking on eggshells so you're good (:

Like Terry, I'd like to ask a bit about her job and if the episodes happen everywhere or if she seems to be able to control them aside from when she's with you or her fiance.
While she hasn't ever had an episode to one of her children, my concern (and i'm sure you've thought over this), is that her behaviour will be impacting on her children.. children pick a lot up and if one of their parents isn't stable sometimes, it will worry them..
Has anyone ever spoken to your daughter about the impact this has on her children at all?

I wonder if you've ever considered joint counselling with her? is that something that you'd both consider? if you approached the subject with her and said that you'd like to be closer to her and get things sorted out with the assistance of a counsellor as a guide, do you think she'd be up for that?
xx