Physical and emotional abuse trying to seek help

Hello, this is my first post to this topic and like always,my first post tend to be a bit long so please bare with me I apologize in advance.
I have been dating and living my boyfriend for four years and over this period of time he has become more and more abusive. *mod edit* What I experience is both verbal,emotional,and physical abuse but most often verbal and emotional. What started as nit picking became a violent deterioration of my soul and being. I am constantly put down on a daily basis and told I am unintelligent and incapable of just about everything,so much so that I am subconsciously beginning to believe it.
I was never thought to drive by my parents and I have a lack support in my life. my boyfriend often tells me I will never learn to drive and refuses to help. When I try to cook for him he stands over me and proceeds to tell me everything that I'm doing is wrong even grabbing utensils out of my hand and showing me how to do it. I get called names,a lot of names four letter words almost daily. I try to remember the very first time I was physically abused but it has happened so many times now it's a blur. Iv been pushed into things,hit,pinched,hair pulled,objects thrown at me,taken to the ground,smothered with a pillow,and the worst being *mod edit* . He cheated on me and dumped me,he came back and had sex with me without telling me he had sex with her. I ended up in a psychiatric hospital still begging for him back for some strange reason unknown to me still today.

My ex boyfriend began to tell me he missed me and l went back to him. slowly but surely the abuse began again this time with an edge, worse than when we started ( before the physical abuse started) he began to remind me of her over and over again talking about how he missed her I have been forced to relive those events over and over again,a living hell. The name calling and abuse keeps getting worse. sometimes he compares me to her. Eventually I had an embarrassing break down at work finding every reason not to return until I eventually had to quit. I cried that day a lot. The panicking got worse one day while hitting a bowl of marijuana everything came flooding into my head I couldn't breath my hands were tingling and I almost ended up in a hospital. These days I have no job little contact with people,and I can't leave my apartment. My boyfriend continues to abuse me to this day. I have no place to go my mom is mentally ill and my father and brother live in another state in a small flat with no place for me. I haven't gone to collage yet although sometimes I dream. I'm scared to leave my boyfriend because I believe I will sink without him.I am incapable doing things do to my panic attacks around people or social events. I have tired medications all to which have failed me with awful side effects mostly depersoinalization bouts. I am trapped,scared, lonely, and desperate this is my first time reaching out. Sometimes my boyfriend threatens to dump me and throws all my stuff out of my closet. Anytime I do something the wrong way he threatens to kick me out, I know I need to leave him but why can't I just go through with it? What can I do to prepare myself mentally? A lot of the time he tells me I won't be able to get my stuff because it's in his apartment and I have no proof that it's mine. I want to have a life but my anxiety is drowning me. What kind of treatment should I seek to get back on track? Why am I so damn attached to him? Please any advice of thoughts could be some help.

Sorry to hear about your situation. What would you want to study at college?

I think you give yourself the best advice, I wouldn't want to stay with someone who was physically and emotionally abusive either.

I may be a sexist when I say any man who hits a woman is a coward, but if that is a bit old fashioned now, so be it, these are my values. The smothering is a particularly insidious indicator and I really think you need to talk to someone there on the ground close to you, soon. Please.

It is very hard to give specific advice on a plan to get out the door as I don't know what resources are available to you locally, there may be a local number of a charity or something like that if you google domestic violence and your town/city name. Definitely worth speaking to someone local who can physically help you move on.

Thank you for the reply. It means a lot. However, I was wondering if one of the moderators/administrators could delete this post for me. it's nothing personal against the forum its just that it almost got uploaded to a social media because of my own mistake and it contains a lot of very personal information scared the living hell out of me. it would just put my mind at ease to get it off the internet, thanks.

Hey so-bo..

How are you doing at the moment? are you safe right now?

However, I was wondering if one of the moderators/administrators could delete this post for me. it's nothing personal against the forum its just that it almost got uploaded to a social media because of my own mistake and it contains a lot of very personal information scared the living hell out of me. it would just put my mind at ease to get it off the internet, thanks.

I'm sending you a message. xx