This is abuse right? I'm not just imagining this....

This is the first time I'm writing out what goes on in my relationship but I feel as if I can't cope with this anymore. I'm 24 and my boyfriend of 3 years is also 24 years old. We have known each other since we were 13 years old and were best friends for a long time, so I find it hard to believe someone so close can do this to me. I keep wondering if I have got it wrong or why is this happening..

My boyfriend makes up things and accuses me of lying constantly. I have grown so tired of having to defend myself, keep telling him to stop and explaining every small thing I do isn't a lie. For example if we are out in public together there are men and women walking around but if I am looking in front of me and there happens to be a man there he will start saying why am i looking at them, when i am not. Or he will say that I'm an attention whore so I'm looking at this person to see if they are checking me out. It is really abnormal. I am only looking in front of me, I am not doing anything but when I say this he will scream and swear. Immediately he gets very nasty and calls me a liar, followed by every swear word under the sun. This is just one example of this behaviour. He will constantly make up things in his mind, which he has decided has happened when it hasn't and decides that I am lying. I just don't understand why he does this to me. I spend everyday being sworn at, accused of lying, any small thing turns into a big fight that lasts hours with every weakness I have been thrown in my face. Then he pretends like he didn't do anything and blames me for it. I just am floored by this. He then gets very angry and aggressive that I am upset by this behaviour and should act loving towards him as soon as he is done picking me apart and screaming at me.

There have been many times where he has done these things in public on the underground where he will say a guy was looking at me and I'm *insert swear words* for not telling him someone was looking at me. But this is ridiculous because I don't see anyone looking at me and again I'm not doing anything. He will say these things on a crowded train and when I tell him to stop, he tells ME to stop making a scene and then starts to loudly shout 'Why do you hit me?'. At that point I start to cry because he was swearing at me and being so nasty and I'm not the one making a scene I just tell him to stop. But he will do this all over the underground, on the platform, on the escalator, on the train. I don't hit him, he has tried to strangle me several times. But he really adamantly says this hasn't happened. When I'm in the car driving and he randomly starts screaming at me for being a whore for flirting with me (which i don't, never have and don't have male friends in my life, don't talk to males at all unless they are family) I try defend myself by saying I haven't because I haven't flirted with anyone. He just tells me that I deserved to get cheated on by my ex boyfriend, I'm an attention whore, liar and insert all possible swear words in every combination. He will do screaming in my face while I'm driving which is dangerous and when I finally can pullover he just lowers the window and screams to people in my neighbourhood that I hit him and why do I do that to him. There is no getting him to stop. His friends keep adding to this by saying they say me with a bunch of men but that's not me they saw! But he chooses to believe them. Somehow because I don't agree with the story he has made up in his head I'm very untrustworthy and a liar, but I'm not like that. He just decided that he was not my first time, but he was! It really hurts that I waited until I was 23 to do that and he just states that I'm lying about that and I had sex before, followed by a convoluted story he made up that I did that with my ex boyfriend and that's why I was so upset after we broke up. But this isn't true and no matter how many times I told him this he would just get angry and very aggressive and say things like 'You'll see what happens for lying to me' in a very aggressive way. Once a day has passed he will act like he never threatened me, grabbed my arm aggressively and proceeds to call me a twisted manipulative liar for saying he did that....but he did! How can he just deny that? I'm not allowed to be upset by that or have space when he acts this way, but if I missed his call once 2 months ago he can just fight with me over it again and again and again, and uses this to deflect the issue that he just threatened me and got very aggressive. Where did they person I have known for so long go? I don't understand anymore. How can someone break me down to this point that I can't seem to walk away and stay away?

I just don't understand why he is doing this to me? Why couldn't he just be happy with me? He is just ruined our relationship by making up stuff and there is no reason for it. He turns everything into a huge fight and tells everyone we know that I don't support him or do anything for him but it's really the other way around. People just believe him. I honestly feel so broken inside from this and I don't know how to get through it. Can anyone even help me?

I'm sorry you're going through this. I think you have to recognize that your boyfriend is highly insecure and lacks confidence in himself, and then blames you as the cause of those feelings, even though they originate with him and have nothing to do with you. I don't think that's a problem you can solve.

If you argue or try to reason with him, that only reinforces his feelings of inadequacy. No matter what you did, even if you isolated yourself from society and did only what he wanted, the problem would remain because it's his problem, not yours. You can't fix it or control it or appease it.

Also I think he may be suffering from a mental illness such as schizophrenia. It tends to manifest itself in young people around your age, and often the person will have seemed very normal earlier in their lives (think Amanda Bynes). From your description, his instability is well beyond what could be considered a simple behavioral disorder. He has breaks from reality and believes them to be real. Also he seems on the verge of violence, which could be dangerous for you.

The best thing would be for you to gently lessen your involvement with this guy, but I suspect that will be tough due to his insecurity & illness. He won't want to let you go. Also he probably needs medical care, but he won't be accepting of that either. It's possible that he could recover to something of his former self, but would likely need regular medication. As his friend, you might be able to help him to get the help he needs. As his girlfriend, you might be a constant source of agitation, at least until he is stabilized. It would be a difficult journey, and one that you'd need to be sure about before embarking on it.

I think the main thing is that you have to be careful to look after yourself here, and consider your own needs & welfare. It would be easy for your feelings for him, together with his problems, to swamp you in a way that you could not easily extricate yourself later. So please be careful and be sure to think about your own well-being too.

What your boyfriend is doing is absolutely abuse. You are not making it up or imagining anything. Your experiences are 100% valid. Sending you love and suppprt <3 You don't deserve anything that is happening to you. Your safety and wellbeing are the most important things in this situation, so consider seeing a therapist if thats possible for you. Best of luck, stay safe xx

I'm more inclined to think that this is a poorly executed attempt at denial, blame shifting and gaslighting due to huge huge insecurities than schizophrenia but..
this is absolutely abuse and you're definitely not imagining things at all.

It's a good idea to check out the idea that he may genuinely believe everything he's saying but the only way that's going to be possible is if he agrees to seek help and seek it quickly..
The level of abuse that you're going through is really concerning - ultimately, the guy you currently see in front of you is the real person and the one you fell in love with isn't there anymore.
Can you leave him and go to a safe place for the time being..?
I think a break from him until he's in therapy and seeing a psychiatrist (if you do really want to keep trying) is likely the safest option for you.

xx

I agree with seabreeze, it's sounds very unsafe.

He's definitely devaluing you. Has he cheated or brought up an ex girlfriend to hurt you? Does he ever apologize?? Does he call you constantly? What do you know about his parents and his childhood?

If your interested, PM me and I'll share an article that literally changed my life. Every relationship I have been in has been abusive and I have denied and denied and let them make me feel guilty until they finally did something so outrageous that I couldn't take it anymore. I will say this from now until I die..never never ever let someone tell you that what you feel is wrong, you have the RIGHT to feel things and to act according to your needs! You are good, true love will never hurt and you deserve that.

One more thing, I always told myself, if he can get help it'll be ok, or I'm gonna help him realize how much I love him and how perfect we could be. Sometimes when I think about my ex that broke me down so far I don't know how I ever got up, I STILL will say if only he would change, we would be amazing. He's not gonna change!! If you have a little voice inside your head telling you "but what if.." please don't listen. He's the only one who can change and I would stay far far away because (IMO) he don't stop until he breaks your soul.

I hope the best for you.

avatar123 wrote:I'm sorry you're going through this. I think you have to recognize that your boyfriend is highly insecure and lacks confidence in himself, and then blames you as the cause of those feelings, even though they originate with him and have nothing to do with you. I don't think that's a problem you can solve.

If you argue or try to reason with him, that only reinforces his feelings of inadequacy. No matter what you did, even if you isolated yourself from society and did only what he wanted, the problem would remain because it's his problem, not yours. You can't fix it or control it or appease it.

Also I think he may be suffering from a mental illness such as schizophrenia. It tends to manifest itself in young people around your age, and often the person will have seemed very normal earlier in their lives (think Amanda Bynes). From your description, his instability is well beyond what could be considered a simple behavioral disorder. He has breaks from reality and believes them to be real. Also he seems on the verge of violence, which could be dangerous for you.

The best thing would be for you to gently lessen your involvement with this guy, but I suspect that will be tough due to his insecurity & illness. He won't want to let you go. Also he probably needs medical care, but he won't be accepting of that either. It's possible that he could recover to something of his former self, but would likely need regular medication. As his friend, you might be able to help him to get the help he needs. As his girlfriend, you might be a constant source of agitation, at least until he is stabilized. It would be a difficult journey, and one that you'd need to be sure about before embarking on it.

I think the main thing is that you have to be careful to look after yourself here, and consider your own needs & welfare. It would be easy for your feelings for him, together with his problems, to swamp you in a way that you could not easily extricate yourself later. So please be careful and be sure to think about your own well-being too.

Thanks so much for your response. The gently lessening my involvement is exactly how you said it is, very difficult. He really doesn't think he needs medical care and that I'm just so crap as a girlfriend that's why he feels this way but he still won't let me go. I don't know how to take this step. I'm so hurt, sad and scared. He just argues with himself for no reason and blows up at me. Calls me twisted when I say that he is being immature about a very very small thing. I have never been a position like this before and it's just so difficult. I do feel very alone in this. How do I get out of it?

-- Sat May 30, 2015 11:56 pm --

seabreezeblue wrote:I'm more inclined to think that this is a poorly executed attempt at denial, blame shifting and gaslighting due to huge huge insecurities than schizophrenia but..
this is absolutely abuse and you're definitely not imagining things at all.

It's a good idea to check out the idea that he may genuinely believe everything he's saying but the only way that's going to be possible is if he agrees to seek help and seek it quickly..
The level of abuse that you're going through is really concerning - ultimately, the guy you currently see in front of you is the real person and the one you fell in love with isn't there anymore.
Can you leave him and go to a safe place for the time being..?
I think a break from him until he's in therapy and seeing a psychiatrist (if you do really want to keep trying) is likely the safest option for you.

xx

Thanks so much replying. He does think everything he is saying is right but I also feel that he knows when he is gas lighting. I have no idea what he is insecure about. The only thing I know is he is angry I had a boyfriend before him. But he also had a girlfriend before me so that is illogical. I can't even have a day without contact from him. He gets very very angry, aggressive and threatening. He talks to his friends that think his behaviour is fine and tell him this. He just uses that as a point to say he's not wrong for the way he acts. I'm not sure why he doesn't want a peaceful life and to just get along with me or anyone around him.