At my wits end

I am going to a psychologist in 2 days to sort some of this stuff out, but I have already been in contact with my wife's former sister in law ( separated from her brother) who has known my wife for many years, and who also happens to study psychology. The lady felt terrible for not " briefing" me on my wife when we first met, as she did not think it was her place to do so. Yes, it does appear that my wife has been like this long before I met her, and her first husband after 20 years left her because of the same type of behavior that I am seeing. As far as a " happy ending", I am starting to understand what it is that I was trying to deal with, and as you said, trying to get her to see a counsellor wont work. She will not tolerate being cornered about her behavior. I tried it already, and she will not return. It is looking more and more like these relationships follow pretty much the same pattern, and will eventually self destruct. The pattern you described is almost exactly what I have experienced. Intense love bombing, extreme jealousy, over the top affection and attention, then when she thought she had me " hooked", the devaluing, belittling, controlling behavior (extreme), and then the discard when I had enough and stood up to her. Do any of these things sound familiar? I guess my happy ending will be when I have completely let go of the idea that I could "fix" her, and meet someone who doesn't need " fixing"......

1simpleguy wrote:...The pattern you described is almost exactly what I have experienced. Intense love bombing, extreme jealousy, over the top affection and attention, then when she thought she had me " hooked", the devaluing, belittling, controlling behavior (extreme), and then the discard when I had enough and stood up to her. Do any of these things sound familiar?...

Not only does that sound familiar, but I could have written that, word for word, to describe what happened to me. The hardest part, for me, has been accepting it and letting go. I wish I could just shut off my heart to that person, the way they shut off their heart to me. But then again, I wouldn't want to be like them. I hope that your wounds are not too deep, and that you can find peace in whatever path you take.

It is interesting that you mentioned that your wife's former sister-in-law wished she had briefed you in advance about her history. I have often wondered if I would have done anything different, if somebody had warned me in advance about the person I loved. But I do not think it would have mattered, because the love that I experienced at the beginning was so deep and beautiful, that I simply would not have believed that that person would one day turn on me and hate me so intensely. Even if I knew that that had been a pattern throughout their life, I would have believed that I was the exception, because of how tenderly they loved me, and how much I loved them. Second-guessing things that have already happened will just drive you nuts -- we do the only things we can do at the time, based on our experiences up until then. (Trust me, it took me a long time to come to that realization, because I second-guessed myself for ages after my relationship with that person ended, and I sometimes still do, in moments of weakness...).

Hi WiltedDaffodil,

I did go to the psychologist, and although he cannot diagnose from afar, he agrees with my assumption that some sort of pd probably npd is what I was dealing with. That helps for closure, as did his comment that I am doing very well given the situation. I am away from her with my daughter ( who by the way seems happier to be away from her), and once I started to accept what happened, and began to rebuild my self esteem, and my confidence that was so badly shattered, I was approached by a very nice lady who is interested in going for drinks and perhaps supper. She seems very nice, and while I am nowhere ready to be involved with someone else given the damage I have suffered, the difference that comes from having a more positive outlook is certainly obvious.

Simpleguy,

So glad to hear that you are feeling better and getting some emotional fresh air!

Thumbs up to you!

Go love life again, one day at a time. There are so many good things out there waiting for you!

I am so glad to hear that you are beginning to find some peace (and your daughter, too), and that you are feeling better, and finding yourself once again. I wish you all the best!