Help with this verbal/emotional abuse?

My Mom had anger issues when I was a kid it got slowly better over the years. There's a part of me that's still scared of her. If she starts to raise her voice, I get sudden flashes of her voice in the back of my mind yelling my full name and to come here. I keep expecting her to start yelling at me, especially when I'm not in the room and I hear it from another room. I expect to hear her coming down the hall, or rattling my locked door to let her in, saying my full name and expecting something bad to happen.

I was hit a few times, a slap across the mouth once or twice..maybe more. Spankings when I did something really wrong, with a wooden spoon handle, two or three times, just to get the point across not beatings or anything. She stopped that when I was around 12 or so, she decided that gentle parenting was better or something, can't remember exactly.

When I was 16 or 17, I had been under extreme amounts of stress and I kept myself locked in my room almost constantly. I barely remember what happened, I just remember my younger brother who was 6 or 7 at the time coming to ask me a question or something and I said no not right now and shut my door. I might have been a bit harsh but I wasn't trying to hurt him or anything, I just wanted to be left alone. Not long after my Mom burst into my room nearly screaming at me, something about me being a despicable person or daughter/sister or something, how I had made him cry for being a brat, that I should be nicer to him, that I should be just..better. I don't know exactly what it was. I was scared to death, I couldn't figure out what I had done wrong, everything I had done or might have done over the past week or few weeks went flying through my mind trying to figure out where I had gone wrong, if I was truly in the wrong, etc. This all passed within seconds, then she slapped me in the face, grabbed me and shook me (while saying all those things above), then shoved me back on my bed. Telling me to stay away from my brother, that I was a terrible sister and I need to 'get with it' or something and slammed the door. I was terrified. I had no clue what the hell happened, what I did or anything.

I KNOW that I was not the best sister, ever since he was born I didn't know what to do with my younger brother much, I couldn't relate so I just mostly left him alone mostly. I felt terrible about it, absolutely terrible. I felt like scum. I had already been berating myself for not being a better sister FOR YEARS and her doing that to me I just.. I wanted to scream at her that I KNOW. I SEE IT. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT. YOU NEVER TAUGHT ME ANYTHING. YOU JUST EXPECTED ME TO KNOW.

My brother and I get along better now because he's older and knows more things and I can find things to connect on. I don't let myself get too close though because I keep expecting to 'slip up' and do something or say something wrong and my Mom will flip out again. He looks up to me because I'm closer to him than our older brother which makes my fear even greater. I'm terrified of my bad habits, my negativity and pessimistic view of things rubbing off on him and blaming myself if he does anything similar to me that I don't like about myself.

My relationship with my Mom has always been up and down. I never know where I really stand with her because she can flip within seconds sometimes. Other times things go fine for months, then bam, I'm terrible again.

I have this deep seated fear that she's going to get very angry with me again, that whenever her voice gets loud that "I'm next" whatever the hell that means. I don't know if it's irrational or what.

I know she hates herself as a parent to an extent for my and my brothers not so great childhood, I know that she did her best with what she had (which wasn't a lot.), I know that her father had anger issues as well just more extreme. My father emotionally abused her, and us. Just so many things to equal our states of being, that placing blame on just one person or thing is not possible or right.

I don't WANT to blame her or anyone. It's just how it is and was. Even if I did, if I tried to call her out on it, if I told her how I felt she would say I was remembering it wrong, that she knows what she did and didn't do anything wrong, that I'm just twisting things around.

I don't know how to deal with feeling like this though. A part of me is always waiting for that other shoe to drop, I don't know how to deal with any of this. I just want the feeling gone. But I guess it won't until I move out and away from her? I don't know.

Unfortunately its just the defense sense that bring you the memories. So you can not be unprepared.
If for a long time you believe in the new system, you get used to the new atmosphere, when suddenly all change again something can break.

So unfortunately one feel bad to not stay worse.

I know a lot of people cant understand when you tell about only a woman yelling but if its as I imagine...a person completely out of control, completely gone mad..really crazy hard impacting feeling

BiB wrote:Unfortunately its just the defense sense that bring you the memories. So you can not be unprepared.
If for a long time you believe in the new system, you get used to the new atmosphere, when suddenly all change again something can break.

So unfortunately one feel bad to not stay worse.

I know a lot of people cant understand when you tell about only a woman yelling but if its as I imagine...a person completely out of control, completely gone mad..really crazy hard impacting feeling

I'm sorry, I don't understand what you're saying. Can you reword it?

I think what she means is you feel the way you do because you body is keeping prepared for it so you can deal better next time. Once these things happen, you mind processes it in a couple of ways. Consciously you are aware that your mother may not always be able to be relied on.

Subconsciously you body is going through lots of processes when you are at home. You body is listening for certain noises, tone of voice, timing issues, and the things your body know are a trigger for your mum. You pulse breathing etc are all effected but you consciously don't realise it.

When you move out and you should do it sooner than later you can look into how this has effected you and what you can do to change .. into a happier you.

I suggest reading some of the Child Abuse posts, lots of good tips that may help you. and also PTSD.

I am really sorry for you. Things will get better, and knowing why we feel things can help us move forward.

Take care.

Terry E. wrote:I think what she means is you feel the way you do because you body is keeping prepared for it so you can deal better next time. Once these things happen, you mind processes it in a couple of ways. Consciously you are aware that your mother may not always be able to be relied on.

Subconsciously you body is going through lots of processes when you are at home. You body is listening for certain noises, tone of voice, timing issues, and the things your body know are a trigger for your mum. You pulse breathing etc are all effected but you consciously don't realise it.

When you move out and you should do it sooner than later you can look into how this has effected you and what you can do to change .. into a happier you.

I suggest reading some of the Child Abuse posts, lots of good tips that may help you. and also PTSD.

I am really sorry for you. Things will get better, and knowing why we feel things can help us move forward.

Take care.

Oh I see, thanks for explaining.

Yeah, I'm trying to get a job so I can move. It's frustrating to be stuck here and trying to understand and deal with things when the problem is just a few steps away.

Thanks, I'll read some. I had a feeling for a while that it was abuse but I didn't want to acknowledge it, you know? It's hard.

Thanks for replying.

For some people it may be nothing for others it can be very painful. Your mother may never have meant it, she may love you in her own way, she may have issues of her own that prevent her being a loving mother in the mould you need.

So when those things happen, what you feel and respond to is categorised as abuse. Would the authorities take action, no, will many people be shocked no, but was it a loving supportive, nurturing safe environment no.

One action by a parent, one argument, one loss of control can have life changing consequences on a child.

Take car.

I learnt to be very skeptical about the interpretation concept.
Infact what I think is that its rare that one feel totally terrorised for something of no importance.
Usually when you try to use all your forces against a threat is not only yuor sensitivity.

This is my opinion.

Anyway...about that I would ask: was your mother a person out of control, with a dusky crazy tone of voice, with abnormal "psycho-motoric excitement/agitation"?

Because I learn that usually people say about that you must be quiet, that is anything, dont be too emotional ahaah! whaat?
And when happen under their eyes they are cautious, worried if not shaken and "oh God! Must we call someone?" etcetera. Infact when you dont follow your own sense (to abide by what all say), force your more natural and atavistic identity ignoring the situation then all degenerate in the heavy danger and violence.

So usually is only a way to shift the blame to the victim as ever and do anything. Not in the Terry's case obviously I mean.

Fortunately when you became old she had to stop, instead my mother didnt restrain herself, she used also violence and at your age then start to call at any time my father for non existent reasons and stress him till he let off nerves on me untill he start to go automatically. And against a man I could do anything.

Bib, I am so sorry you went through what you did.

No shades of grey, no interpretation of love, and care, you deserved much, much better.

I hope as life goes on, the pain will get less, but I think you and I and several others here could talk long and hard about how society turns a blind eye to mothers abusing children.

Almost politically incorrect to mention it.

Terry E. wrote:Bib, I am so sorry you went through what you did.

No shades of grey, no interpretation of love, and care, you deserved much, much better.

I hope as life goes on, the pain will get less, but I think you and I and several others here could talk long and hard about how society turns a blind eye to mothers abusing children.

Almost politically incorrect to mention it.

Thank you so much for your attention on me.
Unfortunately I am in a trap so when its only your pain maybe you can overcame, but when you are together within the problem..in an imbalance of powers, with a reduction in a brain region (Im sure caused by that) etcetera etcetera...le jeux son fait (I spent years looking for a solution an escape..all saying: you are still youuung..no worry..you know what? I am boared to see me aging -without existing, now I can say I wantED my youth, at the past; 27 years old).

Anyway I hate sugar pills, I know facts. But eheh I know also that we are going off topic so I really thank you for this bracket on me and eleanordes is welcome to update.

A huge to you Terry

I think what throws me off the most is that she'll be 'normal' (meaning, no extreme emotions) for weeks to months then suddenly out of the blue I or one of my siblings need to get our 'act together' and help her with stuff around the house. ???? As if I haven't done much of everything, supporting her, hearing her problems and issues for YEARS, as if I never do as she tells me to WITHOUT FAIL. Then later it's like a switch was turned off and she's crying about how she's sorry that I have to do 'so much work' and that she wants to do more but can't and needs my help 'more than ever'. I just don't get it. I don't get it at all. This is why she makes me nervous, I'm constantly waiting for that switch. I do LESS around the house because I'm nervous. I stay in my room out of the way to keep from rocking the boat but that does no good. She then says I'm lazy?? It would be great if I was lazy, I'd welcome it at this point, it'd mean I'd be able to change! But this now? It's going to take months, even years of therapy.

It's all so frustrating, especially now when she's in this mood where everything makes her upset (more crying than yelling) so I feel like I can't be upset with her.

So exhausting and confusing.