Is he showing signs of abuse...?

Hello, my name is Beth and I am 20 years old.

I have been with my boyfriend for just over 3 years now, and recently I have started questioning the quality of our relationship. I am very confused as to whether or not my relationship is good, as my friends often tell me that we are a cute couple, and another friend says that there's nothing wrong with the relationship.

I am unsure if I am over dramatic, or if he is showing early signs of abusive behaviour, or if he is just not a nice boyfriend.

Since the beginning of the relationship we have argued, from the very first week. At first, the arguments were, or at least I think they were, always my fault, as I was very clingy and cried a lot of the time. We argued for hours on end over Facetime and he always put up with it. (This is something he often holds over me, and will say that no other boy would have put up with for so long)

Our arguments, up until approx. 6 months ago, have always been about him not replying to me, how he doesn't seem to care about the relationship, how he makes no effort to come see me and my family at my house. I always have to drive to his house, which takes about 20 minutes, and he expects me to even if I have been out of the house at university for as much as 10 hours of the day. He goes to the gym which is 5 minutes from my house, drives home, and still wants me to come to his house. He hasn't stopped at my house since last February, I stop at his often twice a week.

He doesn't read my texts or messages, he doesn't constantly check up on me, he doesn't control my friendships or stop me going out, he doesn't forbid me from doing anything, and I can't even go as far as saying he calls me vile names, such as a bitch or a slut. He doesn't do these things.
However, he makes me feel bad, and low. When I go see him, he doesn't greet me at the door, and won't. He rarely looks pleased to see me. He doesn't greet me with a hug or a kiss, if I try, more often than not he pushes me away and says 'no' like some weird automatic habit. If he's in a bad mood from work that day, that's it, I pretty much know I'm gonna end up crying by the end of the night. He winds me up relentlessly, and can go 2 hours into us first meeting without saying a single nice thing. Just stupid things, but enough to pick away and make you go crazy. Whenever we watch tv, which is all we ever do any more, he chooses what to watch. I suggest something, he says no, he doesn't want to. Even when it comes to ordering food, we order the food he wants. Sometimes when he winds me up so far, I start to cry, and he gets angry at me for crying. It makes me feel so confused, because it should make him realise that he's upsetting me and yet it makes the arguments worse. He rarely kisses or cuddles me. Often he only starts being 'good' with me after we've had sex, and very often blames us not having sex for the argument we had.

About 6 months ago I made a new friend online, a boy, and we began chatting extremely regularly, it was harmless, we played video games together, and we Skyped a few times, because we knew we weren't going to meet in real life. I've always been friends with boys, so I didn't think much of it, and didn't tell my boyfriend I Skyped him as I knew he would make a fuss about nothing. Eventually he asked directly if I had Skyped the boy, I told him yes (as I would not lie), and it hit the roof. My boyfriend still brings it up now, and speaks about it as though I had slept with this other boy. It really upsets me and he makes me feel as though I've done something so awful. It makes me feel sick worrying about it and now I often dread going to meet up with my boyfriend in case he brings up the topic again.

Since this event he no longer seems to trust me with any boy mates, and makes me feel bad about talking to them. He never says a word about making me not speak to them, but the point is he makes me feel guilty.

I should point out that between all this, he always tells me that he loves me and wants to be with me forever. He (as far as I know, and I have tried to check) doesn't speak to any other girls apart from occasional chats with co-workers. He doesn't drink, smoke, or go out clubbing. He's a risk free boyfriend. And this is why I'm so confused.

Am I over reacting? Is he a good boyfriend and I'm just being picky? I just don't understand what to do. He makes me feel very upset a lot of the time, and angry, and I just feel so low on his priorities. Lately I put my university and family far above him, to make it feel more even, to give myself a sense of freedom and empowerment however I just can't shake this feeling of helplessness. Please help.

Dear I don't normally drop in on this forum, but you asked if he was a "good boyfriend"? The thing is with people, whether the one you are attracted to is good or not, has not too much to do with it. Attraction is based on so many things. Love is another thing that has defied philosophers for centauries. This is one of the great struggles we all have.

Questions that should be answered are does he make you happy.

And of course the big one is predicting that you two will still be happy when all the unwritten parts of life play out for you both.

Take care

Am I over reacting? Is he a good boyfriend and I'm just being picky? I just don't understand what to do. He makes me feel very upset a lot of the time, and angry, and I just feel so low on his priorities... Please help.

It's possibly that you're overreacting, but I doubt it. You've been dating him for long enough to understand when something is wrong. It sounds like neglect, which is a form of abuse, though often not something the abuser is aware of. If it bothers you, then it's definitely something that you should address. If he's feeling threatened by you chatting with another boy, then chances are he's having trust issues. If you've never given him a reason to distrust you, then there may be something else causing it. Maybe he's been betrayed in the past. Maybe he is insecure and afraid to lose you. Maybe he's just the jealous type and since you two chatted online, maybe he thinks that you could fall for this other guy like you did for him. All speculative. You've got to talk to him to find out what's going on. Don't be accusatory. Just try to have a discussion. If you're afraid of becoming overly emotional, try doing it through email, as it gives you a chance to detach yourself and think things through before responding.