Abuse? I'm not sure... Help!

Hi, I just wanted to outline my 'story' and get some other opinions - thanks a lot in advance for any replies!

So, I have been in my current relationship for 7 years and have been married for just over 2 of those... We have a 2 year old daughter. I'm currently studying and also working part time overnight to get extra money for our family.

Basically, the main part of my situation revolves around my husband's input towards the relationship - or lack of it. His main vice is computer games and alcohol... Gaming takes up around 95% of his waking hours (outside of work - he only works 28 hours per week and has no desire to do more / get a higher paid job) and whilst he has attempted to stop drinking (he used to drink a lot and smash things up - never violent to me), he has fairly regular episodes where I will come home to find him very drunk and in a mess. He also has absolutely no social life - he never goes out with friends (and has no desire to), so when he isn't at work, he's at home and even on the rare occasions that he does go out, he demands I go with him.

This all means that I get no help whatsoever around the house with any housework - he never cooks, cleans, does washing and barely takes care of our daughter - his idea of 'watching her' is sitting on the floor of her room with his handheld console while she runs around.

I am often kept up until the early hours whilst he plays games and chats online to his 'friends' and also get woken up at the crack of dawn by him clicking away on his controller and/or chatting.

At the same time, he blames most of it on me - everything is my fault and i am a bad partner etc. and am always mean to him if I nag or complain about how he is. I also get questioned non-stop about what I am doing while at home and he phones me while I am out at least once an hour to check where I am.

This is having a huge impact on me... I am falling behind with my studies due to not being able to work at home with the constant noise from his gaming and complaining, and also needing to watch our daughter all the time because he can't/won't do it. Our daughter also has been found sleeping in her cupboard a few times recently and i am worried this is due to wanting to get away from the shouting and arguments.

To make it worse, we live in a block of flats that are owned by his parents and they live upstairs from us... They constantly take his side and also continually use the arguments that "he works, be happy" and "at least he doesn't go out with his friends all the time", which basically gives him the right to do what he wants at home in their eyes.

Am I being abused?! I have been worn down over the years and feel like things might be my fault? I could use some help and advice.

Thank you guys

Hi. Im from the UK too. Dont want to sound judgemental but this will. Why did you marry him or have a child with him if he was like this? Or did he just become this way since then?

He will blame you, as by staying, you are putting up with it, and therefore in his eyes 1) condoning his behaviour and 2) he will have no respect for anyone who puts up with it.

His parents must be able to hear what's going on, but even if not, ofc they stick up for him. He's their son.

I would worry about you and your daughter. Now it's affecting her if you can, get out of this relationship. Do you have any friends or relatives you can go to?

Hi, thanks so much for the reply.

Don't worry about sounding judgemental, I often ask myself the exact same question!

It's a combination of things really - he wasn't anywhere near as bad as he is now when we first met, so to a degree I do feel as though he fooled me by putting on a different persona, that then slipped the moment we tied the knot, but also, I often think back and beat myself up because the signs were there, I just chose to always look on the bright side and allowed his good/better points to shine through (stupid I know).

Unfortunately, his parents live two floors up so they don't hear what goes on, but even if they did, it wouldn't make a lot of difference - he can do no wrong in their eyes. It's strange because they know what he does - they've seen his drunken episodes many times and I've explained how he is to them. He also has a brother who is completely different; works hard, takes care of his family, always helps everyone out etc., so I can never work out why they can't see what a monster their other son is in comparison?! I guess as you said, he is their son, so they'll never go against him.

i''ve lost touch with all my good friends (largely due to him - my fault also, for allowing it to happen), so I don't have anyone to turn to and my family are completely unsupportive - they take the line that "you made your bed, now you have to lay in it". They won't even come to my home to visit me/us. This is why I haven't left yet - I want to more and more now - because I am dependent on having a roof over my head and food on the table for me and my daughter... I think to an extent him and his family know they have me trapped. As I said in the first post I am now working overnights as well as studying to try to save some cash to move out - he's making life hell for me though... Waking me up at times when he knows I have to sleep... Making it almost impossible for me to relax on my days off etc. etc.

Thanks a lot for reading and your reply, I really appreciate it!

Thats ok. I know what it's like to be in a controlling relationship where they eventually manage to keep you from anyone that could help or care.

Have you thought of going to a refuge? Might need to if its that bad and there's noone else.

Make sure you have your own finances. No joint account or your money into his account.

And his parents will know the difference between him and his brother. They just choose to ignore it or condone.

The person I was with had parents who covered and lied for him and his sister was nothing like him.

It happens. His parents were very old. He could manipulate them easily. He lived at home with them. In a way your husband does too as they own your apartment.

Try to get back some control. Coming on here is the first step. Try to find someone who could help you (even if not physically, but still has the patience and kindness to offer support and advice).

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/

Hope that helps a little. Feel free to contact if you want to chat further with me.

Hello, thanks again for your reply. It's really helpful just to know I'm not alone and that other people understand what i'm going through. Just one person telling me it's not my fault and that my husband is in the wrong has given me more confidence.

I've registered to see a counsellor where I study (i didn't realise that they had one tbh) after speaking with my tutor due to completely screwing up an exam due to the anxiety and stress (and not being able to study properly due to my OH) - hopefully it will help to speak more about my problems. I think that is one of the main things that makes everything worse - not having an outlet for my thoughts and feelings.

Recently, since I have really started to question his actions (out loud), my husband's behaviour has gotten a lot more erratic and it makes me wonder what is going on in his head. For example, one moment he is shouting at me saying how awful I am and how mean I can be and that he is going to divorce me and make me leave, and then the next he is saying how much he loves me and that he wants to spend time with me, and that it is me preventing that from happening (I keep my distance from him at pretty much all times now). I've gone as far as trying to tell him how I feel and how much he hurts me, to which he seems to acknowledge and says how upset that makes him to hear, yet then 5 minutes later he's acting as though the conversation never happened and everything is hunky dory.

I've had a really bad day today - I worked 9 hours overnight last night and spent most of my shift feeling awful (I think due to exhaustion and not eating properly), followed by having to go food shopping straight after work because we had nothing in the cupboards. Once I got home I tried to go to sleep, but he spent close to 3 hours making lots of noise in the next room with our daughter (it was his day off today), even after I pleaded with him to stop. Finally he said he was going to take her out for a couple of hours, which was a huge relief. After 5 or 10 minutes I heard my daughter crying and also so glanced over towards where his consoles are to check if the lights were on (he connects his handheld computer to the main console) and sure enough he was sitting on the floor in her bedroom playing while she was stood next to him screaming. It ended up taking over an hour of me shouting and complaining before he went out, by which time I was a wreck. I finally slept for around two hours and he then came in and woke me up to say I needed to spend time with him, upon which he promptly switched his main console on and the big tv in our room and started gaming - I screamed at him to let me sleep, but he kept saying he wanted me to watch something on his game. He spent around 30 minutes saying "i'm just doing something, it'll only take 1 minute more", before finally going back into the other room after saying how horrible I am for not wanting to spend time with him. This is a pretty much typical day for me at the moment.

Sorry for the long post but I needed to get out today's frustrations. Hope everyone is having a better day than I am x

That's ok. He sounds like a mix of both my exes tbh. The push/pull of nice v nasty and the procrastinating in taking his time and the making noise to give you sleep deprivation are all linked. Control. You cannot react and think properly (let alone work and study) without your sleep.

You just have to go about your business for a while if you can as though he is a flat mate rather than a husband. I do not know how to get him to stop playing these controlling mind games, but one thing I do know is if he thinks it's not getting to you then he will stop. He may well start something else to see if that works, but try hard, particularly with the noise, not to complain. Act like you slept through it even if you didn't. It takes a really big conscious effort on your part but it works. Try it.

And yes I think going to a counsellor will help. And ask wherever you're studying to take your home situ into account to sit the test again. Do not be afraid to say you are suffering domestic abuse which you are trying to get away from.

I know it's hard to admit it but it is indeed that.

And no, you're not alone. I may not be able to physically help you but my online door is always here even if it's just to let off steam.

Just make sure you clear your internet history and don't use passwords to this site that he would know or guess. Hopefully he's not one of those really creepy guys who has spyware on your laptop but to be safe maybe only use a pc not located at home.

tc of yourself.

Yeah as soon as you can you need to dump him.

So, I finally got him to sit down with me again and have a 'serious' discussion (he never really wants to talk seriously - everything is either a joke, or he just dismisses it immediately), where I explained how I felt and that I really don't love him any more. I said that I want to continue cohabiting together, but that I will do my thing and he can do his - i.e. I won't cook or clean for him any more, but we will just look after our daughter together and I'll watch her when he works and vice versa. To my surprise he agreed and was actually quite nice about things and finally accepted (or so I thought) how things really are.

Fast forwards a few days, and he's right back to complaining that I never spend time with him and that I am constantly nasty to him etc. Today we spent the whole day together as we took our daughter out for the day, and to be honest it was hell - he complained the whole time and basically wanted to get home as quickly as he could so he could play games. Once we were home he then again complained non stop that I never spend time with him (even though we'd been out for around 6 hours together).

Tonight I went out to get us a pizza for dinner and when I came back, I caught him leaving the flat in his underwear with our daughter, apparently trying to take her to his parents as he was through with me and was going to leave. I obviously stopped him taking her and he then stormed off and came back a while later being very mean towards me and saying how he can't take being with me and that I am unloving and emotionless and that I am an awful wife etc. (all this after I told him I didn't love him any more and explained we were not 'together' now). I am due to work tonight so I really need him to watch our daughter, but he keeps threatening to leave. I wish I could just tell him to go, but once again he has me trapped and he knows it.

I just don't know what to do or where to turn - I am an emotional wreck almost 24/7 and I never know what mood he is going to be in. I think people don't realise what he's like because he isn't violent, but I can't handle this emotional abuse much longer. I am about to go back to university and am not sure I can handle the classes and studying, with my overnight shifts, all with him in the background disturbing me and being abusive non stop.

I've been keeping a tab on his gaming, and for the past few weeks I think he's been playing for approx. 50-60 hours per week, which is absolutely crazy when I hear myself say those numbers. Yet I am the one who never wants to spend time with him apparently.

Work starts in an hour and I have no idea how I can cope - I haven't slept at all today due to him and now have no time to get to bed before I need to leave. I am such a wreck its horrible

Sorry again for the long post and for rambling. Thanks for reading and I hope you're all having a better weekend than I am

Be careful about leaving your child alone with him incase he takes her somewhere to hide her from you. He obviously feels like you might leave with her so he will be thinking about that.

Did you ever get to speak to a counsellor?

On the face of it on the data I have, I have several opinions, none of them pleasant.

They all involve cutting the cord.

Definitely keep an eye on the child that he doesn't use that as leverage.

-- Mon Jan 19, 2015 4:21 am --

On the face of it on the data I have, I have several opinions, none of them pleasant.

They all involve cutting the cord.

Definitely keep an eye on the child that he doesn't use that as leverage.