Our partner

Worried, afraid: Is this verbal/emotional abuse?

Open Discussions About Verbal Abuse.

Worried, afraid: Is this verbal/emotional abuse?

Postby opensky » Wed Dec 17, 2014 10:00 pm

This is difficult to write about, but I need to express these experiences in order to make some sense...and get help. Based on what I have experienced over the years, I feel I have been verbally/emotionally abused by a family member.

Some background: I moved to a small city a couple of years ago, and about 30 minutes outside this city, I have one family member, who is a few years older than me. For as long as I can remember, I have felt scared of this relative--walking on egg shells comes to mind--worried of upsetting him or getting him angry and then receiving his well-known rage without any personal sense of having done something wrong. I have felt this way for 10+ years. I felt particularly worried when relocating so close to him. Still, I proceeded and began noticing a strange pattern in behavior that has left me anxious, nervous, fearful, and questioning myself.

A week ago, one of my parents came over to visit me to spend a week with me. This was to be a one-on-one get-together, nothing fancy, just some time together. A few days into the visit, this relative of mine rapid-fired text messages to me asking why hadn't I told him about my parent visiting? Then told me that I must not believe in family and that he had friends who were more family than me.

I was shaking as I was typing the text message wondering what had I done wrong. I tried to explain the purpose of the visit, but he argued that I could have sent him a text message with the information. It was that simple, he explained.

In my mind, I thought: Don't I have a right to have time alone with a parent, do I have to relay every bit of family information to this one relative?

I explained again the nature of my parent's visit and said I was trying to live my life, not avoiding family. He ended his text abruptly saying I should live my life and that he was finished with me!

In the moments following this incident, shaking, I started to feel that I screwed up somewhere. Yes, I should have let him know, I thought. It was my fault that he was angry with me (he said he wasn't angry but sad). I was feeling guilty. I did something wrong, I thought.

This, however, was not the first time that these scary, fear-inducing outbursts I had happened to me. When we were younger, whenever I said "no" to something he proposed, I received these outbursts that made me feel scared. This pattern continued so I began to comply, to agree, to avoid his angry outbursts. As we got older, he moved away, we saw each other less and less, but whenever I heard he was in town, I would became nervous, relief only arriving when he was gone again. Now that I moved closer for work reasons, the pattern has emerged again.

I can provide a number of incidents that all ended with me being shouted at and then not hearing from this person for weeks. I either let him down or I failed him or I did not include or invite him to something. I am not listening to his advice. I did not order something at the drive-thru. And on and on. All I want to do is live my life, freely.

I feel as though this person is attempting to interfere, ruin and sabotage my life. I have felt miserable these past few days, doubting myself, wondering if in fact I did do something wrong.

Is this emotional/mental abuse? I need some clarity. My anxiety levels have shot upwards since the incident.
opensky
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 12
Joined: Wed Dec 17, 2014 5:06 pm
Local time: Wed Jul 09, 2025 6:12 am
Blog: View Blog (0)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: Worried, afraid: Is this verbal/emotional abuse?

Postby opensky » Thu Dec 18, 2014 9:03 pm

At the moment, what is most painful is this feeling of guilt, that somehow if I had done what he had said I should have done, none of this would have happened. It's just that I never what's what with him anymore. If I say something, that might make him angry. If I do not say anything, that too might make him angry.
opensky
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 12
Joined: Wed Dec 17, 2014 5:06 pm
Local time: Wed Jul 09, 2025 6:12 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Worried, afraid: Is this verbal/emotional abuse?

Postby Ada » Thu Dec 18, 2014 9:50 pm

Yes, that strongly reads like abuse to me. You didn't do anything wrong. No failure! No need to feel guilty.

My suggestion would be to cut off contact. He's abusing you and it's not fair or right. If he gets angry. That's his thing to deal with. Delete any messages, block his number if you can. You don't owe him anything. He's been like this for years. That's plenty of time to change if he was going through something tough personally. And just happened to be taking it out on you. That's not what's going on here. You don't owe him an explanation. You don't have to excuse yourself. Or help him fix himself. It doesn't matter what he thinks of you. Or what he says about you to other people to explain why this has happened. [He probably won't take any blame. That's also his thing to deal with.] Nothing like that. I honestly think "no contact" is best.

Cut him loose. Let him go off and do his own thing. You're right that you have your own life to live. And it shouldn't be in fear of this person. Also, if you can get some support, that would be great. Having your parents, friends or a counsellor in your corner. May really help if he tries to be pushy about getting in contact. And keep yourself safe too.
We think too much and feel too little.
 More than machinery, we need humanity.
 More than cleverness, we need kindness and gentleness.


Charlie Chaplain in The Great Dictator
Ada
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 10623
Joined: Mon May 28, 2012 9:47 pm
Local time: Wed Jul 09, 2025 11:12 am
Blog: View Blog (35)

Re: Worried, afraid: Is this verbal/emotional abuse?

Postby opensky » Thu Dec 18, 2014 10:44 pm

Thanks Ada. Appreciate the suggestions. Shaking this guilt is hard.

It has been a real struggle these last few days (especially in light of the fact that the Christmas holidays are on their way - perfect timing). I feel bad. In some weird twisted way, I feel I had a part to play in this.

Over the years, we have had many fun times together. In the past couple of years, he helped me without any trouble. But throughout that time, I still felt unsure and tip-toed as much as I could. Limited discussions. Defensive tactics, really. Good lord, maybe that was a bad idea...He said I rarely communicate with him. I have in fact limited my contact because I feel I do not deserve to be treated to his outbursts. So I have had limited my contact, and now this may have created this atmosphere.

I am just tired of being shouted at because I do something that does not meet his (unrealistic) expectations or his standards of what relatives should do for each other. In this incident, I wanted some privacy, some alone time with an aging parent. Is this wrong? I did not feel the need to inform this person about their arrival. Does this warrant an outburst? Was I mean, being selfish I just don't know anymore. I can't even think straight. I woke at last night at 3 am with a rapid heart rate, full of nervousness.
opensky
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 12
Joined: Wed Dec 17, 2014 5:06 pm
Local time: Wed Jul 09, 2025 6:12 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Worried, afraid: Is this verbal/emotional abuse?

Postby Ada » Fri Dec 19, 2014 10:45 am

No, that's the thing. As I see it, you absolutely 100% have the right to spend time with your parent without anyone else there. Or informing anyone else about their arrival. For me, that would include even another parent or sibling. Let alone someone who's more distantly related than that. The fact that you're worrying about this suggests to me that his abuse has been pretty bad.

You haven't created the situation. If he didn't have the outbursts, there wouldn't have been any issue at all. You'd have a "normal" relationship [I hate that word, but anyway.] Just like with anyone else.

Have you had a look at this thread domestic-abuse/topic11732.html about What is Abuse? It might help a little. This isn't just you and something that's happened by accident. It's not your fault. And it is hard to accept and deal with.
We think too much and feel too little.
 More than machinery, we need humanity.
 More than cleverness, we need kindness and gentleness.


Charlie Chaplain in The Great Dictator
Ada
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 10623
Joined: Mon May 28, 2012 9:47 pm
Local time: Wed Jul 09, 2025 11:12 am
Blog: View Blog (35)

Re: Worried, afraid: Is this verbal/emotional abuse?

Postby opensky » Fri Dec 19, 2014 4:52 pm

The link to the domestic abuse post you provided is fantastic. A thorough list.

Over the years, those many years, I endured a lot and would attempt to dismiss the outbursts as his personality: a hot and quick tempered nature, which can be seen in different instances and aimed at others as well. For me, it's been in my teens, 20s, 30s...but this has to stop! Other family members would explain the outbursts as a sign of his deep love...and deep hurt because I did something wrong to him. So I was 'trained' to believe that I was wrong and he was right, justified even. In this particular incident, he said that I rarely attempt to keep in touch, which meant to him that I did not want family. The furthest thing from the truth. I want to start my own family. Something wrong with that? With such delicate words, I feel, once again, like the bad person. With the holidays approaching, I don't know what to do.
opensky
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 12
Joined: Wed Dec 17, 2014 5:06 pm
Local time: Wed Jul 09, 2025 6:12 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Worried, afraid: Is this verbal/emotional abuse?

Postby Ada » Fri Dec 19, 2014 6:41 pm

You won't be able to convince him that you aren't the one with the problem. And you shouldn't have to justify spending time with anyone without alerting him. That's one of the hardest things, perhaps. He's going to disagree enormously with anything you do that isn't 100% his own way. And that way is what is not working for you. [Nor would it work for any other reasonable human being. People shouldn't have to deal with abusive relationships ever.]

Can you make plans that don't include him? And not say anything more. If he gets in touch, then perhaps say you're busy. [And "busy" does include having reflective time to yourself, if you enjoy that.] But you don't need to apologise for any of it. Or fit time with him in. Or explain your plans to him. Just "I'm sorry, I won't have time for that." Yes, from everything you've said. He'll have a tantrum. But then you get to have the holiday that you want. Without worrying about his approval or meltdowns. And in the New Year. Either he calms down his temper. Or he doesn't see / hear from you for another month or two. Hopefully in the end he'll get it. But he might not, and in that case, "no contact" might be permanent. That's still not your fault. You do need to look after yourself though.

I don't think there's a nice way to do it. No way that won't make him angry about you having your own life. That's why I think having backup from friends or family is important. You are not the bad guy here. But he's likely to pull every dirty trick in the book to make you think you are. And that is abusive behaviour. :?
We think too much and feel too little.
 More than machinery, we need humanity.
 More than cleverness, we need kindness and gentleness.


Charlie Chaplain in The Great Dictator
Ada
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 10623
Joined: Mon May 28, 2012 9:47 pm
Local time: Wed Jul 09, 2025 11:12 am
Blog: View Blog (35)

Re: Worried, afraid: Is this verbal/emotional abuse?

Postby opensky » Fri Dec 19, 2014 11:54 pm

Thanks Ada. I must be pondering this too much now, because I feel as though I am sinking into a mental hole. I have anxiety, and this incident is not helping.

A few months ago, I began limiting contact. Very few emails, simple email/text replies, more selective in sharing information, doing my own thing, etc. The reason: The relative in question was 'persuading' me to purchase a rather high-ticket item (car), one that I did not feel comfortable or ready to buy. "Oh don't over-think," he said. He kept talking and talking and talking, telling me about why I should buy this item. "I know I'm causing you stress," he said. "But you need to buy this." I was becoming drained and told him I'd think it over. "You have three weeks," he said.

From that point, I felt so drained and pressured, why can't I be free, just as he was free to take almost 2-3 years to research and buy his high-ticket item. I decided to limit contact.

Now I feel that that decision to limit contact has culminated and caused what went down a few days ago. After all, he said I hadn't been in touch recently and sounded 'upset' about it. I should have followed his protocol and notified him, plain and simple. I made a mistake.
opensky
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 12
Joined: Wed Dec 17, 2014 5:06 pm
Local time: Wed Jul 09, 2025 6:12 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Worried, afraid: Is this verbal/emotional abuse?

Postby seabreezeblue » Sat Dec 20, 2014 1:14 am

it sounds like you're feeling really trapped here by your relative and that you're desperately trying to keep him happy but he's moving the goalposts and demanding more each time..
You'll likely never be able to fulfill his demands because what he wants is not reasonable.. he wants control when human relationships have to be balanced to work.


I have a sister who demands like this all the time and honestly, my life is quieter when i give in but it damages me in the process if i don't stand up for my own needs.

why was it up to you to notify him of your parents visit.? His relationship with them is up to him and them to sort out and if they had wanted to see him badly enough, they would have called him to make arrangements.

He sounds like he'd make a brilliant load of commission at marketing but also that he'd leave the people he's selling to feeling exhausted and like they really want to cancel the deal because they were pushed into it.
Can you recall talking to a really pushy and manipulative salesman at any point and remember the way you felt afterwards..? If you bought something, the regret you felt afterwards and if you didn't, the guilt and anxiety you felt after that.

I'm wondering (and please don't answer if you're not comfy) if this relative is your brother..?
It's just that it would make sense if he is.. he sounds like he's grown up being told that you're supposed to keep him happy and meet his demands. What should have happened though is that you were taught that the scales should be balanced.
xx
Shine me a light up
and i'll run round the moon..
User avatar
seabreezeblue
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 5665
Joined: Mon Dec 09, 2013 1:07 pm
Local time: Wed Jul 09, 2025 11:12 am
Blog: View Blog (26)

Re: Worried, afraid: Is this verbal/emotional abuse?

Postby opensky » Sat Dec 20, 2014 2:47 am

Thanks seebreezeblue. You are quite perceptive. He is not a brother, but an older cousin. As I mentioned in a previous post, we have had good times. But still, I always feel afraid of his temper, which usually flares up when you disagree with him or do something independent of him. He feels left out, apparently, and I am seen as this sneaky guy. But I don't think he realizes that his behaviour keeps pushing me away. The outburst, the probing questions, the pushing salemen, etc. I'm getting older and quite frankly I'm getting tired of this. When this last outburst took place, I had it, just had it. But the more I review the incident, the more I feel I should have stuck to protocol and inform him, for the sake of keeping peace. I'm pretty sure I'll come out of this as the bad guy and he the good family member keeping the family torch burning. I am absolutely certain.

I'm curious to know. Do you think this person has a behavioral disorder, or is he simply someone with a quick hot temper who knows of no other way to show his love??
opensky
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 12
Joined: Wed Dec 17, 2014 5:06 pm
Local time: Wed Jul 09, 2025 6:12 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Next

Return to Verbal & Emotional




  • Related articles
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests