This is difficult to write about, but I need to express these experiences in order to make some sense...and get help. Based on what I have experienced over the years, I feel I have been verbally/emotionally abused by a family member.
Some background: I moved to a small city a couple of years ago, and about 30 minutes outside this city, I have one family member, who is a few years older than me. For as long as I can remember, I have felt scared of this relative--walking on egg shells comes to mind--worried of upsetting him or getting him angry and then receiving his well-known rage without any personal sense of having done something wrong. I have felt this way for 10+ years. I felt particularly worried when relocating so close to him. Still, I proceeded and began noticing a strange pattern in behavior that has left me anxious, nervous, fearful, and questioning myself.
A week ago, one of my parents came over to visit me to spend a week with me. This was to be a one-on-one get-together, nothing fancy, just some time together. A few days into the visit, this relative of mine rapid-fired text messages to me asking why hadn't I told him about my parent visiting? Then told me that I must not believe in family and that he had friends who were more family than me.
I was shaking as I was typing the text message wondering what had I done wrong. I tried to explain the purpose of the visit, but he argued that I could have sent him a text message with the information. It was that simple, he explained.
In my mind, I thought: Don't I have a right to have time alone with a parent, do I have to relay every bit of family information to this one relative?
I explained again the nature of my parent's visit and said I was trying to live my life, not avoiding family. He ended his text abruptly saying I should live my life and that he was finished with me!
In the moments following this incident, shaking, I started to feel that I screwed up somewhere. Yes, I should have let him know, I thought. It was my fault that he was angry with me (he said he wasn't angry but sad). I was feeling guilty. I did something wrong, I thought.
This, however, was not the first time that these scary, fear-inducing outbursts I had happened to me. When we were younger, whenever I said "no" to something he proposed, I received these outbursts that made me feel scared. This pattern continued so I began to comply, to agree, to avoid his angry outbursts. As we got older, he moved away, we saw each other less and less, but whenever I heard he was in town, I would became nervous, relief only arriving when he was gone again. Now that I moved closer for work reasons, the pattern has emerged again.
I can provide a number of incidents that all ended with me being shouted at and then not hearing from this person for weeks. I either let him down or I failed him or I did not include or invite him to something. I am not listening to his advice. I did not order something at the drive-thru. And on and on. All I want to do is live my life, freely.
I feel as though this person is attempting to interfere, ruin and sabotage my life. I have felt miserable these past few days, doubting myself, wondering if in fact I did do something wrong.
Is this emotional/mental abuse? I need some clarity. My anxiety levels have shot upwards since the incident.