Worried, afraid: Is this verbal/emotional abuse?

In the spirit of the season, I texted the family member in question and wished him a Merry Christmas...A few minutes later he replied with what seemed like a semi-cordial "enjoy the holidays, take care."

Other than that, I feel like I'm on the receiving end of the proverbial "silent treatment."

I still shake my head when I think how this--an innocent visit from a parent--became a huge explosion about me not wanting family.

I often feel like that myself and think that i should have done things differently to keep the peace but i also need to do what's right for me..
That's something that took me a long time to learn. I'd much rather feel guilty that people will think of me as the tough one that doesn't allow people to walk all over me than feel resentful at the person because i did allow them to.

I'm most definitely the bad guy in my family a lot of the time but when i explain things to outsiders.. they give me a different opinion.. and that's really valuable because it allows me to see how things really look.
Families are supposed to be loving and nurturing.. they're supposed to be ''home''
Somewhere that you wander back to in times of heartache or times of joy..
They're supposed to be places where you feel understood and know that they'll consider your feelings and opinions to be as valid as anyone elses.
They shouldn't always agree with you but they should weigh up whether they should agree with you and i'm really sorry that this doesn't seem to be the case for you.

A family torch takes teamwork to keep it alight and burning.. you can't hold it, refuel it and light it all by yourself. If the wind is too strong, you need someone to come and help you protect it.

I can't say if your cousin has a behavioural disorder or what variety he may have if he does.. I do know that he sounds pretty childish and needs to learn how to help you with the torch

Have you texted him back in reply to his one to you..?

xx

When I received his reply, I will admit, I was a little stunned. I read it--it was brief--and breathed a sign of relief. However, I did not respond to his text, both out of some fear of upsetting the situation (again?) and because his original text so disturbed me (and quite frankly ruined the time I had remaining with my parent) that I just let it go. A friend suggested I do not contact, but not contacting family is, to put it mildly, challenging, especially now, when such an act could be interpreted as further 'proof' of my distancing from family. I can't win.

As I have mentioned to friends, I will emerge from this as the bad guy who should have informed him, thus proving that I want to connect with family. Having not informed him, I will be seen as this bad person who does not want to maintain contact with family. How sad.

The word family is used frequently among my relatives, which is a small circle of scattered over large distances. But I am curious as to how they define family. Is family autonomous people coming together in love and understanding, or is a group of people who must follow rules and whoever does not follow those rules becomes blacklisted or receives the silent treatment (apparently, some have been in that mode for years before reconciliation).

I have limited contact because I cannot endure these outbursts any longer. While they do not occur at every moment, I feel I have to watch what I saw and do as I am told to mitigate the outbursts. To avoid them altogether, I go along to get along. But now I see this is not living an authentic life..and life is passing me by.

By no means am I perfect (no one is). I have my flaws, and I am sometimes private and like time alone (and, when socializing, with people who are calm, not pushy 'salespeople' or those who are easily angered). But this does not mean I do not want family. I want to live my life, not disconnect. That's exactly what I said when the incident occurred.

Right before this incident happened, I received two pieces of good news: one friend was pregnant and another had his fourth baby. And lo and behold, what do I have...

I agree, I too cannot pinpoint any behaviour disorder (and I have attempted to track down symptoms). But several people have said something is abnormal--these are not reactions of a normal middle-aged adult--trending towards childlike, temper tantrums when having not gotten his way or slighted in some way.

Great thinking on standing up for yourself and being vilified versus remaining silent and feeding resentment towards said person.

Hi, I want to update this thread. Over the holidays, I did not hear back from my relative following his out of the blue angry outburst incident almost three weeks ago in which I told him I no longer accepted this behavior.

There were more angry/sad ramblings he texted back to me that shifted the topic to me not attempting to communicate with him (I chose to limit contact after a previous incident in which he was probing me on delicate issues while I was at work and he apologized for being pushy) and then not wanting family, which was totally ridiculous. I told him I was only trying to live my life, not harming anyone, i.e. take care of my life. One of the more hurtful things he said was that he was not surprised by my response and was done with me. That hurt, it's as though he has held resentment towards me for many years. Yet, for the life of me, I have never provoked him. Never.

I plan to see my therapist (how many hundreds of dollars have I spent on therapy because of his behavior...) and, in the meantime, I am trying to move on with my day-to-day responsibilities.

Further advice?

opensky wrote:One of the more hurtful things he said was that he was not surprised by my response and was done with me. That hurt, it's as though he has held resentment towards me for many years. Yet, for the life of me, I have never provoked him. Never.

Another way to interpret what he wrote. Might be to see it as part of a bigger pattern in his life. If sooner or later EVERYONE gets to this point with him. I can see why he'd react with hurt and resentment. Even though in your case, it 's unwarranted.

That doesn't mean you are wrong to limit contact and set some healthy boundaries! It's not being mean to him or abandoning him. It's a major sign that this is his problem. And a behaviour pattern that he needs to address if he wants it to change. Nothing to do with how you are. There are no changes you could make that would affect his pattern.

Thanks again Ada. Your interpretation could be on to something.

It also reminded me: In my family, among some relatives, there is this thing with blacklisting other people, where siblings, after a major disagreement, do not speak with each other for months or years. Weird.

Every part of me is telling me: "Say you're sorry..." or "See, you should have done what he had said, it would have been so easy." But I feel as though I would be shaping my life around his needs and expectations, not what I want, which was, in this case, a low-key visit from my parent.

I honestly feel so low right now, like a bad person. I'm isolating myself. Having a hard time concentrating at work, too. Stupid anxiety!

"I'm just trying to live my life," I had texted him back. Now I feel that must have sounded selfish. Hell, I don't even know anymore!

Big hugs to you, if wanted. That's a horrible way to feel.

It's not selfish to want to live your life. Nothing you've written here has been unreasonable. I think you've gone much further than many people. [Certainly me ] In trying to keep the peace between you. I know it's difficult. But please try not to second guess his thoughts and responses. He's responsible for how he feels. And how he interprets what you texted. Not you.

Please try not to isolate yourself from other people. I think that will make things worse, not better. Connecting with people who have healthy boundaries and behaviours. Will help you calibrate his better. And not leave you feeling like you should be changing to suit his expectations. [You're not selfish to say no to that!]

Well well well. Yesterday evening I received a text message from my relative in question. It was a picture of his workstation: computer, monitors, phone, papers, folders, etc. "This is where I work," said the caption. "That's nice," I replied, not knowing what to say to such a bizarre message. Later on, another text: "Good night." It's as though nothing ever happened. The mean comments, the belittling, the cut off. So after triggering an anxiety-riddled holiday, this is his tentative move to reach out? I would not be surprised if I receive another message inviting me out over the weekend. I feel very tired and weary and not interested to meet at this time. I need to set some personal boundaries; this is what people have been telling me. We can disagree, that's fine. But no more outbursts, no more blasts, verbal or textual. I no longer want to be surrounded by people who make me walk on eggshells.

How very odd..

Not by any means the oddest way of reaching out I've ever seen but this sounds like he's trying to pretend that nothing happened previously.


I'm glad that you're setting some initial boundaries while you recover emotionally from the events over the holidays.. I know just how tiring it is to have to constantly watch everything you do and say.
You can work out at a later point what kind of boundaries you might like to create - for now though, just be nice to you.
Hugs to you if you'd like them

xx