Is this emotionally abusive?

Okay, well first before I dive into everything I just want to give a background. We are both gay, I am 16 and he is 17. I met him as a freshman, when he was a junior. Both of his parents died and he is emotionally abused by his family and current guardians, who suffer from alcohol issues and mental illnesses. We have been dating for almost 1 year now. To keep him anonymous I will just call him Chase.

Chase and I started off with a really lovey dovey relationship and I never suspected anything wrong with him but of course I didn't really know him until we actually committed and started dating. Nothing felt wrong until about two months into the relationship when something happened. We were texting in class and all of the sudden he got really sad / mad. He started giving me minimal answers, which he had never done before. I kept asking what was wrong what was wrong what was wrong but he only replied with "nothing" over and over again. All of the sudden he entered my class just to say hi to my teacher who he is friends with, knowing I was in there that period. He seemed perfectly happy and fine, he didn't even look at me. Then he continued not answering me and started following me around for the next few periods but not saying anything to me, just walking past me. I kept texting him asking what he was doing and he said "why aren't you saying anything to me? Why are you just walking past me??", and I just replied with "I don't know I'm really confused right now and I don't know if I should talk to you because you're mad at me". He then finally unleashed on me that he was angry because of my best female friend Jen because he thinks that we are "too close" and that it makes him nervous and uncomfortable. And then I left and I started crying in the bathroom and he told me that "he was crying too" which I know wasn't true because everytime I saw him in the halls when he was following me he was laughing and talking with his friends.

Things like this continued, like whenever I wouldn't answer his texts for a while he would get really mad at me and give me one word answers and not tell me what was wrong. Whenever I told him I needed to go because I had to do something he would get really sad and make me feel extremely guilty. He would make me feel guilty if I didn't text him in all classes all the time, which eventually led to my grades falling because I wasn't focusing.

After quite a few months things like this kept happening but he had trained me so well I knew how to deal with him and I just allowed it to happen. It has come to the point where I only hang out with him every second I am alive. If there is a day I ask to just have to myself he makes me feel guilty and sad. He takes me with him in his car after school and we hang out all day until 11 oclock at night when I go to bed which is making it so I can't do homework, and he makes me feel guilty if I ask to go home early because I have stuff to do. This is majorly effecting my life and I'm not getting anything done other than being with him.

Whenever I don't give him something he wants he gives me the silent treatment and wont tell me whats wrong. 90% of my time with him consists of me asking him whats wrong and apologizing. I've become so paranoid of hurting his feelings that it has extended to all parts of my life. I'm constantly afraid that people are mad at me and that people are offended by the things that I say. He's trained me so that he will guilt me into doing as he pleases, he harnesses my emotions. I have to constantly monitor my speech and usually refrain from mentioning talking to any of my gay friends because I don't want him to get mad at me.

We have also been having sex about everyday since the second month of our relationship. At the beginning I was having trouble accepting anal because of the pain but he would guilt me and blame me for asking to stop because I wasn't enjoying it. He told me that I traumatized him sexually for not accepting anal. If I don't do things the way he wants to do them sexually he guilts me and makes me feel bad like I did something wrong.

But the thing is is that I love him. He does so much for me. He pays for everything for me, he takes me out to eat everyday, he got me a job, he pays so much gas to drive me everywhere, he buys me concert tickets, he literally does everything for me. Whenever I try to talk to him about how I feel he guilts me and tells me that he does everything for me and that all I do is treat the ones I love like $#%^.

I enjoy being with him but when it comes down to it everyday I am apologizing for doing something wrong. Its come to the point where sometimes I ignore him or get easily offended by the things he does that don't actually offend me so that I can feel as if I have control in the relationship. I'm scared of losing him because I don't want him to kill himself or make me feel bad. I'm just in general afraid of being alone because I have become so dependent on him. I'm so scared and sad and I just need help.

Alright, I'm going to try to save you from making the same mistake I made in your shoes. I was in a relationship almost exactly like yours back in high school (my gf was a little more subtle than your guy, but the principle is the same). I'm going to respond in line point by point where flags went up for me. Btw I've been with her 10 years now and am trying to get her to work on her issues, while working on mine as well.

Chase and I started off with a really lovey dovey relationship and I never suspected anything wrong with him but of course I didn't really know him until we actually committed and started dating. Nothing felt wrong until about two months into the relationship when something happened. We were texting in class and all of the sudden he got really sad / mad. He started giving me minimal answers, which he had never done before. I kept asking what was wrong what was wrong what was wrong but he only replied with "nothing" over and over again. All of the sudden he entered my class just to say hi to my teacher who he is friends with, knowing I was in there that period. He seemed perfectly happy and fine, he didn't even look at me. Then he continued not answering me and started following me around for the next few periods but not saying anything to me, just walking past me. I kept texting him asking what he was doing and he said "why aren't you saying anything to me? Why are you just walking past me??", and I just replied with "I don't know I'm really confused right now and I don't know if I should talk to you because you're mad at me". He then finally unleashed on me that he was angry because of my best female friend Jen because he thinks that we are "too close" and that it makes him nervous and uncomfortable. And then I left and I started crying in the bathroom and he told me that "he was crying too" which I know wasn't true because everytime I saw him in the halls when he was following me he was laughing and talking with his friends.

Okay, huge red flag number one. This guy has been dating you two months and now he's going to dictate the nature of your friendships? That's blatantly controlling behavior, one of the key components of emotional abuse.

Things like this continued, like whenever I wouldn't answer his texts for a while he would get really mad at me and give me one word answers and not tell me what was wrong.

This one drives me insane too. You are not a mind reader and shouldn't have to be. Healthy people, like you and me, tell someone when something is wrong instead of using the silent treatment. The silent treatment is deployed in order to inflict suffering, as a punishment to discourage a repeat of the behavior the abuser is trying to discourage. Even if you made a mistake or hurt them in some way, you do not deserve that kind of treatment. It is torture, not healthy conflict resolution. You would never do this to someone you love.

Whenever I told him I needed to go because I had to do something he would get really sad and make me feel extremely guilty.

This is manipulation at its worst. If you need to go, for any reason, you should not be made to feel guilty. It is your life, not his. Again, a clear sign of abuse.

He would make me feel guilty if I didn't text him in all classes all the time, which eventually led to my grades falling because I wasn't focusing.

###$ man! He is asking you to put his emotional needs before your future. He does not consider your feelings or even your basic goals in life, he only considers what he needs in any given moment. Again, would you ever, even at your very worst, do this to someone you love?

After quite a few months things like this kept happening but he had trained me so well I knew how to deal with him and I just allowed it to happen. It has come to the point where I only hang out with him every second I am alive. If there is a day I ask to just have to myself he makes me feel guilty and sad.

Okay it is making me really sad looking at your life and seeing my own life back in high school, so please, I beg of you to please listen to me. Tell everyone in your life that is close to you what is happening here. Whom do you trust? Who are you close to? Tell them what is happening to you and see if they don't tell you exactly what I am telling you.

You are 16. You need to hang out with your friends, play games, do things with lots of people and by yourself. Never mind that you need it, you want it! YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON FOR WANTING TO HAVE TIME TO YOURSELF! One day when you are older like me and even more so if you have a family, you will not always have the luxury of having time for yourself when you want it. Seize that time now and cherish it. Do not allow this person to take this very important thing from you, because I promise, I PROMISE you will regret it. Not every other person out there will demand everything, everything that you have to give at all times, because that is asking too much. Yes it is abusive.

He takes me with him in his car after school and we hang out all day until 11 oclock at night when I go to bed which is making it so I can't do homework, and he makes me feel guilty if I ask to go home early because I have stuff to do. This is majorly effecting my life and I'm not getting anything done other than being with him.

Okay now we're getting into points where your guy is even worse than my girl. She pulled the same $#%^ with me, keeping me up until long after I wanted to sleep. Especially if I'd made her mad- don't go to be early, right? ###$ that. You are young, your brain is still developing. Now is the time in your life where you need a lot of sleep. At least, AT LEAST 9 hours a night, preferably 10. This person is forcing you to do damage to your body- especially your brain.

You are also not getting anything done. I believe it. At least my gf let me get my homework done before she started terrorizing me over every little thing I said and did. You want and need to get $#%^ done. You want to go to college, right? If you want to go to a good one, you are going to have to apply yourself to your homework and getting ready for the SAT and ACT. This $#%^ is not going to stop unless you put a stop to it. Set boundaries: "I am going home at 9:30 every night so I have time to talk with my family and get ready for bed." "I need to get my homework done before we can hang out. I'd be happy to be with you while I do it, but I need to focus until it is done." Do not break these boundaries for any reason. If this person cannot handle those very reasonable requests, he is a child and not ready for a real relationship. You would not do this to someone you love. I know you feel guilty, I felt it too. He is the one responsible for that guilt, not you. What you are asking is not unreasonable, it is responsible and it is right. DO NOT BREAK THOSE BOUNDARIES.

Whenever I don't give him something he wants he gives me the silent treatment and wont tell me whats wrong. 90% of my time with him consists of me asking him whats wrong and apologizing.

Huh, oh yeah I've heard this song before. I'll bet some times it takes hours for you to pour over your actions from the last day or so to figure out how this person could have gotten pissed about what you did. How many hours is it going to take man? How much of your life are you willing to sacrifice to feed this person's whims? How long before you finally listen to that voice inside telling you that this is wrong and it doesn't have to be this way? Don't make it ten years. By then you will feel compelled to let him try to undo the damage he has done to you, but the damage will be done. It doesn't matter what you did, if you even actually did anything to make them upset. You do not deserve to be tortured for hours on end. There are people out there who will love you back and not do this to you.

I've become so paranoid of hurting his feelings that it has extended to all parts of my life. I'm constantly afraid that people are mad at me and that people are offended by the things that I say. He's trained me so that he will guilt me into doing as he pleases, he harnesses my emotions. I have to constantly monitor my speech and usually refrain from mentioning talking to any of my gay friends because I don't want him to get mad at me.

It is extending to your relationships with others. This is another one that's so bad that even I never experienced it. I knew that most people I came into contact with were not like her, would tell me if something was wrong and not give me the silent treatment/torture me until I apologized. Again he is affecting things that should be sacred to you. Set a boundary: "If you have a problem with something I did, I want to know about it so we can talk about it and so I won't hurt you again in the future." Do not stand for this childish way of solving conflicts. You wouldn't do this to anyone, and no one else would do this to you.

We have also been having sex about everyday since the second month of our relationship. At the beginning I was having trouble accepting anal because of the pain but he would guilt me and blame me for asking to stop because I wasn't enjoying it. He told me that I traumatized him sexually for not accepting anal. If I don't do things the way he wants to do them sexually he guilts me and makes me feel bad like I did something wrong.

Okay listen closely because this is the worst thing he has done. YOU DID NOT DO ANYTHING WRONG. I want you to say that to yourself and see if it feels true, because I believe there is still something inside you fighting this. If you don't feel good about anything sexual, because of pain or any other reason, someone who loves you will not pressure you to do it. I will flat out state this: this person does not love you. His stance toward you does not fit any definition, however esoteric or alternative, of love. It doesn't matter what he says. What he has done to you is the opposite of love.

Imagine if one of your friends came to you saying that his boyfriend was trying to get him to do something, but it hurt and he didn't want to feel the pain. What would you say? You know the answer. Tell someone you love about this. At least one person, preferably as many as you can find. Someone who doesn't know your bf in case you are worried about him finding out before you decide what you want to do.

But the thing is is that I love him. He does so much for me. He pays for everything for me, he takes me out to eat everyday, he got me a job, he pays so much gas to drive me everywhere, he buys me concert tickets, he literally does everything for me. Whenever I try to talk to him about how I feel he guilts me and tells me that he does everything for me and that all I do is treat the ones I love like $#%^.

I understand that you love him. You feel wonderful things for him and he makes you smile. But he is also doing just terrible things to you. Do you know other people in good relationships? They have those good things you feel, but they don't have to do anal if they don't want to. They don't have to sit silent for hours on end when they don't know what they've done. They have real give and take, real connection and mature problem solving. You know that that's what you want. You want someone you love who will not do these awful things to you. You are still fighting this, which is wonderful. It was truly an act of courage to post this message on here. I wish I had done the same at your age, but I figured she'd get tired of me eventually and leave. Well he won't. He won't, because he has made you dependent on him on purpose. That way, he can justify, to himself and to you, the terrible things that he does to you. In his mind you owe it to him. HE IS WRONG. Nothing that anyone could ever give you would justify this kind of treatment. Please listen to me, I have been in your shoes. Maybe you are afraid that nobody else will ever love you if you leave, but take it from me that being alone would be better. Prolonging your suffering is so much worse than biting the bullet and leaving. I am the ghost of your future, and I will tell you that even if he gets better in the future, the pain you'll feel looking back on all the times you should have left will haunt you.


I enjoy being with him but when it comes down to it everyday I am apologizing for doing something wrong. Its come to the point where sometimes I ignore him or get easily offended by the things he does that don't actually offend me so that I can feel as if I have control in the relationship. I'm scared of losing him because I don't want him to kill himself or make me feel bad. I'm just in general afraid of being alone because I have become so dependent on him. I'm so scared and sad and I just need help.

Now you are getting into dangerous territory because you are becoming like him. You don't want to be like that, do you? I really think you do not. You are not responsible for what happens to him if you leave. That is his life. You are 16, someone will be able to help you if you leave. Do you have parents or relatives to live with? Tell me more about your situation so we can talk about some options. This is not the end, I want to be here for you and I'm sure other people on this forum will be here for you too. But most importantly, tell the people closest to you (not your bf) what you have told us. Their words will mean far more than mine, but mine are very worthwhile because I have been in your shoes.

I want to hear from you again by next Friday. You don't have to do anything, but I beg of you to at least tell someone close to you.

dysdiadochokinesia wrote:Alright, I'm going to try to save you from making the same mistake I made in your shoes. I was in a relationship almost exactly like yours back in high school (my gf was a little more subtle than your guy, but the principle is the same). I'm going to respond in line point by point where flags went up for me. Btw I've been with her 10 years now and am trying to get her to work on her issues, while working on mine as well.

Chase and I started off with a really lovey dovey relationship and I never suspected anything wrong with him but of course I didn't really know him until we actually committed and started dating. Nothing felt wrong until about two months into the relationship when something happened. We were texting in class and all of the sudden he got really sad / mad. He started giving me minimal answers, which he had never done before. I kept asking what was wrong what was wrong what was wrong but he only replied with "nothing" over and over again. All of the sudden he entered my class just to say hi to my teacher who he is friends with, knowing I was in there that period. He seemed perfectly happy and fine, he didn't even look at me. Then he continued not answering me and started following me around for the next few periods but not saying anything to me, just walking past me. I kept texting him asking what he was doing and he said "why aren't you saying anything to me? Why are you just walking past me??", and I just replied with "I don't know I'm really confused right now and I don't know if I should talk to you because you're mad at me". He then finally unleashed on me that he was angry because of my best female friend Jen because he thinks that we are "too close" and that it makes him nervous and uncomfortable. And then I left and I started crying in the bathroom and he told me that "he was crying too" which I know wasn't true because everytime I saw him in the halls when he was following me he was laughing and talking with his friends.

Okay, huge red flag number one. This guy has been dating you two months and now he's going to dictate the nature of your friendships? That's blatantly controlling behavior, one of the key components of emotional abuse.

Things like this continued, like whenever I wouldn't answer his texts for a while he would get really mad at me and give me one word answers and not tell me what was wrong.

This one drives me insane too. You are not a mind reader and shouldn't have to be. Healthy people, like you and me, tell someone when something is wrong instead of using the silent treatment. The silent treatment is deployed in order to inflict suffering, as a punishment to discourage a repeat of the behavior the abuser is trying to discourage. Even if you made a mistake or hurt them in some way, you do not deserve that kind of treatment. It is torture, not healthy conflict resolution. You would never do this to someone you love.

Whenever I told him I needed to go because I had to do something he would get really sad and make me feel extremely guilty.

This is manipulation at its worst. If you need to go, for any reason, you should not be made to feel guilty. It is your life, not his. Again, a clear sign of abuse.

He would make me feel guilty if I didn't text him in all classes all the time, which eventually led to my grades falling because I wasn't focusing.

###$ man! He is asking you to put his emotional needs before your future. He does not consider your feelings or even your basic goals in life, he only considers what he needs in any given moment. Again, would you ever, even at your very worst, do this to someone you love?

After quite a few months things like this kept happening but he had trained me so well I knew how to deal with him and I just allowed it to happen. It has come to the point where I only hang out with him every second I am alive. If there is a day I ask to just have to myself he makes me feel guilty and sad.

Okay it is making me really sad looking at your life and seeing my own life back in high school, so please, I beg of you to please listen to me. Tell everyone in your life that is close to you what is happening here. Whom do you trust? Who are you close to? Tell them what is happening to you and see if they don't tell you exactly what I am telling you.

You are 16. You need to hang out with your friends, play games, do things with lots of people and by yourself. Never mind that you need it, you want it! YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON FOR WANTING TO HAVE TIME TO YOURSELF! One day when you are older like me and even more so if you have a family, you will not always have the luxury of having time for yourself when you want it. Seize that time now and cherish it. Do not allow this person to take this very important thing from you, because I promise, I PROMISE you will regret it. Not every other person out there will demand everything, everything that you have to give at all times, because that is asking too much. Yes it is abusive.

He takes me with him in his car after school and we hang out all day until 11 oclock at night when I go to bed which is making it so I can't do homework, and he makes me feel guilty if I ask to go home early because I have stuff to do. This is majorly effecting my life and I'm not getting anything done other than being with him.

Okay now we're getting into points where your guy is even worse than my girl. She pulled the same $#%^ with me, keeping me up until long after I wanted to sleep. Especially if I'd made her mad- don't go to be early, right? ###$ that. You are young, your brain is still developing. Now is the time in your life where you need a lot of sleep. At least, AT LEAST 9 hours a night, preferably 10. This person is forcing you to do damage to your body- especially your brain.

You are also not getting anything done. I believe it. At least my gf let me get my homework done before she started terrorizing me over every little thing I said and did. You want and need to get $#%^ done. You want to go to college, right? If you want to go to a good one, you are going to have to apply yourself to your homework and getting ready for the SAT and ACT. This $#%^ is not going to stop unless you put a stop to it. Set boundaries: "I am going home at 9:30 every night so I have time to talk with my family and get ready for bed." "I need to get my homework done before we can hang out. I'd be happy to be with you while I do it, but I need to focus until it is done." Do not break these boundaries for any reason. If this person cannot handle those very reasonable requests, he is a child and not ready for a real relationship. You would not do this to someone you love. I know you feel guilty, I felt it too. He is the one responsible for that guilt, not you. What you are asking is not unreasonable, it is responsible and it is right. DO NOT BREAK THOSE BOUNDARIES.

Whenever I don't give him something he wants he gives me the silent treatment and wont tell me whats wrong. 90% of my time with him consists of me asking him whats wrong and apologizing.

Huh, oh yeah I've heard this song before. I'll bet some times it takes hours for you to pour over your actions from the last day or so to figure out how this person could have gotten pissed about what you did. How many hours is it going to take man? How much of your life are you willing to sacrifice to feed this person's whims? How long before you finally listen to that voice inside telling you that this is wrong and it doesn't have to be this way? Don't make it ten years. By then you will feel compelled to let him try to undo the damage he has done to you, but the damage will be done. It doesn't matter what you did, if you even actually did anything to make them upset. You do not deserve to be tortured for hours on end. There are people out there who will love you back and not do this to you.

I've become so paranoid of hurting his feelings that it has extended to all parts of my life. I'm constantly afraid that people are mad at me and that people are offended by the things that I say. He's trained me so that he will guilt me into doing as he pleases, he harnesses my emotions. I have to constantly monitor my speech and usually refrain from mentioning talking to any of my gay friends because I don't want him to get mad at me.

It is extending to your relationships with others. This is another one that's so bad that even I never experienced it. I knew that most people I came into contact with were not like her, would tell me if something was wrong and not give me the silent treatment/torture me until I apologized. Again he is affecting things that should be sacred to you. Set a boundary: "If you have a problem with something I did, I want to know about it so we can talk about it and so I won't hurt you again in the future." Do not stand for this childish way of solving conflicts. You wouldn't do this to anyone, and no one else would do this to you.

We have also been having sex about everyday since the second month of our relationship. At the beginning I was having trouble accepting anal because of the pain but he would guilt me and blame me for asking to stop because I wasn't enjoying it. He told me that I traumatized him sexually for not accepting anal. If I don't do things the way he wants to do them sexually he guilts me and makes me feel bad like I did something wrong.

Okay listen closely because this is the worst thing he has done. YOU DID NOT DO ANYTHING WRONG. I want you to say that to yourself and see if it feels true, because I believe there is still something inside you fighting this. If you don't feel good about anything sexual, because of pain or any other reason, someone who loves you will not pressure you to do it. I will flat out state this: this person does not love you. His stance toward you does not fit any definition, however esoteric or alternative, of love. It doesn't matter what he says. What he has done to you is the opposite of love.

Imagine if one of your friends came to you saying that his boyfriend was trying to get him to do something, but it hurt and he didn't want to feel the pain. What would you say? You know the answer. Tell someone you love about this. At least one person, preferably as many as you can find. Someone who doesn't know your bf in case you are worried about him finding out before you decide what you want to do.

But the thing is is that I love him. He does so much for me. He pays for everything for me, he takes me out to eat everyday, he got me a job, he pays so much gas to drive me everywhere, he buys me concert tickets, he literally does everything for me. Whenever I try to talk to him about how I feel he guilts me and tells me that he does everything for me and that all I do is treat the ones I love like $#%^.

I understand that you love him. You feel wonderful things for him and he makes you smile. But he is also doing just terrible things to you. Do you know other people in good relationships? They have those good things you feel, but they don't have to do anal if they don't want to. They don't have to sit silent for hours on end when they don't know what they've done. They have real give and take, real connection and mature problem solving. You know that that's what you want. You want someone you love who will not do these awful things to you. You are still fighting this, which is wonderful. It was truly an act of courage to post this message on here. I wish I had done the same at your age, but I figured she'd get tired of me eventually and leave. Well he won't. He won't, because he has made you dependent on him on purpose. That way, he can justify, to himself and to you, the terrible things that he does to you. In his mind you owe it to him. HE IS WRONG. Nothing that anyone could ever give you would justify this kind of treatment. Please listen to me, I have been in your shoes. Maybe you are afraid that nobody else will ever love you if you leave, but take it from me that being alone would be better. Prolonging your suffering is so much worse than biting the bullet and leaving. I am the ghost of your future, and I will tell you that even if he gets better in the future, the pain you'll feel looking back on all the times you should have left will haunt you.


I enjoy being with him but when it comes down to it everyday I am apologizing for doing something wrong. Its come to the point where sometimes I ignore him or get easily offended by the things he does that don't actually offend me so that I can feel as if I have control in the relationship. I'm scared of losing him because I don't want him to kill himself or make me feel bad. I'm just in general afraid of being alone because I have become so dependent on him. I'm so scared and sad and I just need help.

Now you are getting into dangerous territory because you are becoming like him. You don't want to be like that, do you? I really think you do not. You are not responsible for what happens to him if you leave. That is his life. You are 16, someone will be able to help you if you leave. Do you have parents or relatives to live with? Tell me more about your situation so we can talk about some options. This is not the end, I want to be here for you and I'm sure other people on this forum will be here for you too. But most importantly, tell the people closest to you (not your bf) what you have told us. Their words will mean far more than mine, but mine are very worthwhile because I have been in your shoes.

I want to hear from you again by next Friday. You don't have to do anything, but I beg of you to at least tell someone close to you.

Thank you so much for all this information. I'm glad to share that I broke up with him a few days after posting this, but unfortunately got back together with him a week later because I said we could be "friends" which resulted in him asking me to hang out, when then resulted into him guilting me into getting back together with him. He convinced me that things were going to change and that he understood that he was wrong. A few weeks later he started doing the same thing yet again. I broke up with him for a second time about two weeks ago, and things have been improving for me immensely.

When I broke up with him recently, I did it over Facebook because I didn't feel comfortable doing it in person because of his abusive behavior. I sent him a letter that briefly explained things but left out the abusive part because I didn't want to create a tension between us because we do go to the same school. I told him I don't want to talk to him at all, which I stuck to even though it was hard because I was used to having him around. A few days later he texted me about exchanging our items because we both had things left at each others houses. I did respond to this saying that we could exchange through mutual friends, but he insisted that we hang out and talk about things instead. I said he could drive to my house and I could come outside and sit in his car for a couple minutes and we could exchange our stuff, which he agreed to.

When he actually came and I got in his car he insisted that we go out to eat and talk about things, which was completely out of the agreement and he spun it on me with no warning. I ended up going, and he told me about how he believes that we are going to get married at one point once he fixes himself. He also admitted to me that he uses me as a punching bag when he is feeling upset, and additionally makes up reasons to be mad at me. On the car ride home I was trying to set boundaries because he insisted that we would be friends. I told him that we could be distant acquaintances if we ever needed something from one another. He expressed to me that he wanted to text weekly, hang out like we used to, and have sex frequently despite all of the boundaries I had discussed prior. Every time I would set a boundary he would either agree then later dispute it or dispute it immediately after it came out of my mouth.

Later on he found out I was texting a gay guy (not romantically, just friend texting because we work together) and he exploded at me. He said things like "don't you care about my feelings, don't you care about me", but then when I called him out on how he was being selfish and trying to control me even after our relationship ended he insisted that he was looking out for me and that this was all for my sake. What I find to be humorous about this is that when we broke up he also reconnected with one of his gay friends who he had actually made out with in the past, this guy also openly attempted to cheat on his boyfriend with my ex ("Chase") while I was dating him. I feel like he was being quite hypocritical.

I cut off our relationship entirely since then, and I've been feeling much better. Thank you so much for responding to my post though because I appreciate it a ton. You were really helpful and provided clarity even now with things I wrote about in the original post.

I really appreciate it and hope to be hearing back from you also!

I must say, I haven't got much to add other than congratulations. You had the courage to stand up for yourself. What's more, you even had the heart to give him a second chance, but when he started falling into old patterns, you saw things for what they were and took a stand. It's probably still hard, and you more than likely still think of him, but stick to your convictions. It's for the best. He's proven that he can't be trusted. In reading your response, I noticed a few things that stood out. I'm sure Dysdiadochokinesia would agree with me. This guy sounds like a predator, and quite possibly a sociopath. You are wise to stay away.

A few days later he texted me about exchanging our items because we both had things left at each others houses. I did respond to this saying that we could exchange through mutual friends, but he insisted that we hang out and talk about things instead. I said he could drive to my house and I could come outside and sit in his car for a couple minutes and we could exchange our stuff, which he agreed to.

He's obviously looking for a way to get back in. He's realized that he screwed up and is trying to manipulate you and will use any excuse to get you to talk to him.

When he actually came and I got in his car he insisted that we go out to eat and talk about things, which was completely out of the agreement and he spun it on me with no warning. I ended up going, and he told me about how he believes that we are going to get married at one point once he fixes himself. He also admitted to me that he uses me as a punching bag when he is feeling upset, and additionally makes up reasons to be mad at me.

He's testing the waters to see how much he can get away with. The more you give in, the more he'll try. I would have recommended that you don't even get into the car. By admitting that he's using you as a punching bag, he's trying to show that he understands what he's doing it wrong, and even showing a small vulnerability in himself. This is a ploy to gain your trust. Do NOT be fooled. I'm fairly sure he doesn't actually mean it, or even if he does, he feels no remorse over it.

Later on he found out I was texting a gay guy (not romantically, just friend texting because we work together) and he exploded at me. He said things like "don't you care about my feelings, don't you care about me", but then when I called him out on how he was being selfish and trying to control me even after our relationship ended he insisted that he was looking out for me and that this was all for my sake.

Again, he's trying to make you feel guilty. He feels that this will make you feel vulnerable and will eventually lead to you letting him back into your life. When you didn't fall for it, he tried to pretend he's looking out for you. This is manipulative behavior at its worst. He attacks your trust and then tries to establish trust with himself.

I cut off our relationship entirely since then, and I've been feeling much better. Thank you so much for responding to my post though because I appreciate it a ton. You were really helpful and provided clarity even now with things I wrote about in the original post.

Good for you! It's always good to see a happy ending with these things. As for Dysdiadochokinesia, I've got to give you serious props. That was a hell of a response. It's not easy to always get into the guts of things. I hope you don't mind that I sort of stole your formatting. I hope you're doing well as well. It sounds like you are still going through things with your own situation.