My Past is Ruining My Current Relationship

I'm writing right now, up alone in the dark, while my current boyfriend is sleeping. I'm so tormented by my past emotionally abusive relationship, that I don't know if this one will ever be right.

I dated a man about 4 years ago who was controlling, manipulative, and threatening. He never was physically abusive, and I don't know why I stayed with him because I knew it was bad from the start. He tried to keep me from my family, who I'm very close with, and threatened to show up at my moms house a year after we broke up- not to mention hanging around and harassing me, in the months following the break up.

Cut to 4 years later- I've been with a man for a year and a half now, and I still feel like I can't trust him. I love him very much, and the thought of leaving him makes me want to burst into tears. I just fear so much for the future. He does have a bit of a temper and is often stressed at work. He never takes it out on me, but I just have this overwhelming fear that it's only a matter of time. He has a history of jealousy, but has never acted this way around me. Hearing about him being jealous in the past though, brings back some past relationship horror.

I feel like I can't talk to him about these fears- because what if he is a manipulator or sociopath in disguise? What if he doesn't really love me but is secretly trying to ruin my life? What if we get married and then these small things turn into an abusive relationship? I can't get these ideas out of my head, and I feel totally irrational and crazy.

I have no evidence that he's ever done anything wrong, my family loves him (they were always wary of my ex), and I love him. The moment he gets angry about something, or rants, or talks about anything remotely violent (even as simple as I want to kill that jerk), it sends me into a panic. Its gotten to the point that if he likes a movie with violence, or that has any kind of abusive relationship in it, I feel like I go into defense mode.

Keeping this to myself is killing me- I feel the distance growing between us every day and the fear growing and growing. I feel like I'll never be able to trust another man again, and that maybe this relationship will be a casualty of the last. Does anyone have any experience with this kind of thing? I've never felt so alone in my life.

Thanks guys,
Goodnight.

My strong advice would be to talk to him about how you're feeling. If he really is the kind of person you fear, best to find that out now before things go further. If he's not, then that should help put your fears to rest. Not knowing is probably the worst outcome for you, because you will continue to be in doubt and immersed in worry & anxiety. Trying to guess his true nature from small indicators is an exhausting, never-ending exercise for you. Better to get things out in the open and find out for sure.

He should be able to understand that you have a sensitivity to those behaviors, based on your past experiences. And he should be willing to try to reduce them, for your sake. He can't change who he is, but he can make small modifications to his behavior to avoid causing you stress. It's part of any relationship to adapt somewhat to the other person. It's not that much to ask to avoid behaviors that you find worrisome or triggering.

A common theme in many forum threads is the notion of being in love while simultaneously being fearful about the other person. One way to think about this is that these two states are incompatible, and will eventually resolve, one way or the other. The sooner that happens, the better, so that you don't waste your life in a bad relationship. Therefore anything you can do to help resolve them is a good thing. Talking about them is a good way to learn what you really need to know about the other person, then afterwards being aware of consistency between words & actions is a good way to know how trustworthy the other person really is. A good partner will be mindful of what the relationship needs from them to be sustained, and will try to do those things consistently. That's a fair expectation that each partner should have for the other

This is simple in concept, but obviously the emotions that go along with it can be pretty strong. Emotions are extremely important to your quality of life & happiness, but to the extent that you can, you have to look beyond them to see whether the relationship is really good for you. You can't be afraid of the answer to that question, whatever it may be.

Hey Avatar123,

Thats some really great, rational advice. Its the best I've received. Thanks so much for taking the time to read my post and respond. I've tried taking to my mom, and some friends about it- but I usually get a bit of the "you're crazy, just get over it already" not in those words, but you know what I mean.

I plan on taking your advice- I'll talk to him about it at the next opportunity. It's alway hard to admit to someone you love how vulnerable and sensitive you really are. At least it is for me.

Thanks again,
Jdoe

That sounds really great. I hope it goes well, feel free to let us know (if you wish).

I agree it's difficult to talk about things when you feel vulnerable. It takes more than a little courage. Hopefully he will recognize how much trust you are extending to him by doing that, and that your purpose is to maintain and build upon your relationship. If he doesn't, you shouldn't hesitate to remind him.

It may also help to characterize it as a combination of his behavior and your reaction to it, so he doesn't feel criticized or that it's his problem alone. Ideally what would happen is that him not triggering you will result, over time, in a higher threshold for you to be triggered, and a greater degree of trust between you. Something for you both to work on, if he is willing.

Another possible approach is that you could ask him if it's ok to let him know when you begin to feel that way, so that he can be aware, and provide reassurance or adjust his behavior as needed. That way it won't build up into a larger problem where you feel you can't communicate. It's good to agree on things like that up-front, so you both know what's expected of the other.