I need advice on getting back with him

Let me start from the beginning. I got into a relationship about a year and a half ago with a guy who I had feelings for about 5 years prior. He had moved away, but moved back around the time we started dating. He has a 4 year old daughter who did not live with him at the time. I moved in with him after about 5 months, and those 5 months were great. But I learned about his traumatic childhood and his conflicted emotions because of it. 2 months later, his daughter needed to move in with us because of her mom's bad decisions. We were both 21 at the time, and this was a huge thing for me. I wasn't sure if I was capable of being a mom yet. He could have either moved to where his daughter was staying, thus ending our relationship, or she could move in with us. I let him make the decision, despite my doubts.

We learned how to parent together, and I turned out to be a great mom. I grew attached to her, like she was my own. But me and him fought, and as time went on it just got worse. We were living in a 1 bedroom apartment, having to share our room with his 4 year old daughter, and stress levels were high. Every time we would fight, it would always end in me being blamed, in him telling me that what I was doing needed to change, and never admitting to his own mistakes, even when I tried to point them out. I felt like I was unable to communicate with him.

When he got really angry and worked up from fights, he would yell, curse at me, and call me names. He would curse in front of his daughter. He would tell me I was a bad person, or that I didn't care about him, or call me dumb or stupid or anything else degrading. I knew he didn't mean the things he called me, but it hurt me because it was coming from the person I loved. And I loved him because when things were good he understood me, and he was thinking of me. We didn't have a lot of time to go out on dates because we couldn't afford a babysitter, but we tried to watch movies and do things at home. He wasn't controlling in the way that he let me do what I wanted, but he was very immature in many ways. For example, he would sit and play video games and wear his headset around the time that we were supposed to feed our daughter, and he wouldn't communicate with me about who was going to prepare the food. I would have to initiate that. He took advantage of me in many ways similar to that without even realizing. He didn't try to plan anything.

He would make me feel guilty if I wasn't in the mood for sex when he was, because it made him feel like I wasn't attracted to him/didn't like him. This bothered me a lot, and also made me even less attracted to him. Eventually, his computer broke so he was u able to play games so much, and this was around the same time that I grew distant. I just stopped caring, and did things for myself like go for a run, or hang out with friends. I didn't know what else to do. This made him really anxious, and it spawned a few breakup/makeup fights. We decided to stay together.

But one night he flipped out on me for now reason, as if he was seeing a different reality than I was. I fell asleep in the car after a good night out with him (without the kid) and he accused me of ignoring him the whole night, and not caring about him. He told me I hadn't said one nice thing to him all night. That I had to say one nice thing or he was going to make me walk home. It was 1am, so I stayed in the car. I refused to give in to his manipulative behavior, and he threatened, Why don't you just break up with me if you don't give a $#%^? I told him I would, because I refused to be treated that way. Well he took me home and threatened to commit suicide, actually picked up a knife and was about to use it. I panicked and I convinced him and talked him out of it. We got back together and broke up again, he took his daughter and left after a long fight. By this point, he had realized he needed to get help from a psychologist, probably for PTSD from his traumatic childhood. He later texted me and apologized for fighting.

We have been talking since then, through text and phone, and I have also Skype with his daughter. She calls me mom. It wasn't until after all of this that I realized he was verbally and emotionally abusing me. I realized that all the fights were not, in fact, my imagination. I wasn't wrong, he was just convincing me to see it his delusional way. I never thought that it fell into any category until I read up on verbal abuse, and the things he was doing were spot on. I have talked to him about this since our break up, and he acknowledges that he did verbally abuse me, and apologized. He is finally taking responsibility for his actions, and we are finally communicating properly now that we are apart. I see that he has a type of emotional dependency on me, and I'm not sure its healthy to continue talking to him after the breakup. It makes me wonder if he is just apologizing to me in order to keep the option open go have a future with me.

After he goe to a psychologist and gets help, I want to know if you think another chance with him is possible. Hopefully someone reading this will have some type of experience with it. I forgive him for the past, and consider him and his daughter my family. This is the first time he has ever taken responsibility for his abusive and hurtful actions, and I believe that his behaviors can change with proper guidance and enough time. Do you think things would change? I still love him, and I love his daughter. I just refuse to let the same cycle repeat. I want to know if a happy and healthy future with him is possible.

Hiya..

You've both been through an awful lot, both as a couple and individually as well.

What this guy put you through was horrible and i'm seeing a really large red flag right here;

He would make me feel guilty if I wasn't in the mood for sex when he was, because it made him feel like I wasn't attracted to him/didn't like him.

^^ this strikes me as incredibly important to consider.. if he's emotionally manipulating you into having sex with him then this is really worrying.

After he goe to a psychologist and gets help, I want to know if you think another chance with him is possible. Hopefully someone reading this will have some type of experience with it. I forgive him for the past, and consider him and his daughter my family. This is the first time he has ever taken responsibility for his abusive and hurtful actions, and I believe that his behaviors can change with proper guidance and enough time. Do you think things would change? I still love him, and I love his daughter. I just refuse to let the same cycle repeat. I want to know if a happy and healthy future with him is possible.

^^ unfortunately, there is roughly zero chance of this man being able to change unless he's actively in therapy.. the type of trauma related behaviour that he displays is so deeply engrained in him that it will take a lot of work to unpick it.. it would be wiser to consider these behaviours as ''triggered reactions'' for the time being.

I would say that there is a small chance that the pair of you could make things work out, but; he absolutely must be attending therapy sessions for a while first. i also think that some counselling for yourself might be a good idea.. just so you can heal from all of this and work on your own wishes and needs.
Both of you need a little space and time.. you especially and if he was thinking clearly then he'd also come to the conclusion that he needs to be on his own until he's done some heavy duty work on himself.

I am really really concerned by the knife incident.

xx

It won't work , you don't love him if you did you would have never distanced yourself to begin with .

^^ I think that very often, we take loving someone to mean accepting them and their behaviour towards us unconditionally..

Love isn't about accepting everything unconditionally.. love has to contain self love as well.. if you don't love yourself enough to step back from unhealthy behaviours then you can't make a relationship work with another person.

For example; I was in a relationship a couple of years ago that started to become emotionally abusive.. he would covertly insult me and poke fun at things about me.. he was also very insecure and jealous. He told me that i wasn't going to go out wearing a certain outfit.

I stayed with him until the amount i was hurting outweighed the amount i was enjoying the relationship.

I told him that if he got counselling I would stick by him and we'd have a chat about working things out after he'd been in therapy for a while but that i wasn't willing to stay with him if he chose not to do counselling..

He chose not to so i walked away.. it hurt me very much but in the longer term = i did the right thing.

It is absolutely vital to treat yourself in the same way that you wish others to treat you.

xx

Thank you folks for your thoughtful replies. I really appreciate you taking the time to read and respond. I hope that more people will read so I can get as broad a view as possible.

It doesn't sound too promising, though people can change. He sounds immature.
I think I wouldn't go back unless I saw a lot of evidence of real change. Then, a dating
relationship only for starters to test him out.