how do I stop the guilt?

Hi I am new. I am having a problem with guilt. I know marriage is not always going to be perfect and happy all the time. I feel guilty that my husband is working on himself to change and be a better man and I do not want to get back together because I do not love him anymore.
My story:
I am currently separated from my husband of 5 years. I have 2 teenage kids (15 & 17) from a previous marriage. My husband was verbally abusive to me and my kids. He would either be screaming and swearing at us or ignoring us and giving us the silent treatment. Every day I wondered what mood he was in. By the end we all tip toed around and my kids pretty much avoided him. I would sit down for dinner with my kids and my husband would eat by himself in the bedroom. I always asked him to have dinner with us but he would reply "I don't feel like it". He would isolate himself a lot and get irritated with me if I tried to include him in family activities, saying their not my kids. He would get mad at me for my parenting and say I needed structure and they needed to respect him. He called my kids losers and lazy. They felt they could never do anything right. He made fun of them and cruelly teased them. When I would tell him he hurt their feelings I was told they are a bunch of babies.
When he was in a good mood, he and I got along fine & had lots of fun together. He would say I was his other half and without me he wouldn't survive. He always told me he loved me and admired my kind and compassionate nature.
He had a job and was a provider but would say what a burden we all were. He was using drugs (pot and pills) and had a lot of previous trauma in his life. He was diagnosed with PTSD. He was miserable, hated his job and blamed me for pretty much everything that was wrong in his life. He was critical of my kids and never interacted with them.
I am ashamed at how long this marriage went on and how much crap my kids had to go through. It is what keeps me awake at night. I feel such sickening shame for letting this happen to my kids. I still well up with tears when I think about when my daughter asked me "why does he hate me so much?"
We went to therapy off and on and he always said he was sorry after all the incidents. We were working on better communication but he always resorted to instant rage and screaming and name calling. I would walk away, or tell him not to talk to me and the kids like that. It never worked. He always said "this is my house, I can talk to you any way I want". He would follow me through the house and corner me to continue to berate me. We finally had an incident in Feb. where the police came because I got in between him and my son. He was in my sons face, calling him the most terrible things and I was not going to allow it anymore.
We separated after that and I refused to take him back.
After 3 weeks of no contact he decided he had serious emotional problems and checked himself into a trauma and anger management rehab for 3 months. My kids and I could finally stop holding our breath. We were free. We could live in our house and be ourselves. We could laugh and play music. My kids were having friends over. I asked my kids how they were feeling about him being gone. My daughter said if you take him back and forget how awful he was to us and he moves back in- I'm leaving.
When I think of how my kids suffered I am sick. The amount of fear I felt with this man and how the fear paralyzed me into doing nothing for so long makes me so angry. At him and at myself.
He has been back from the rehab and wants to try to get back together. I told him he will never live with me and the kids again. I will not put them through it. My kids will not accept him back in their lives.
I have met with him 3 or 4 times to talk and I have to say he has changed. He had a major breakthrough in the rehab and has continued in therapy 2 times a week for the past few months. He is not edgy or hyper anymore. He is not aggressive while driving or interacting with people. He is volunteering and being of service. He wants to come to church with me. He wants to talk about his past behavior and show me how he's changed. He wants to make living amends. He takes full responsibility for all the behavior and is very sorry.
Unfortunately I am no longer in love with him. And even if I did still love him I would never betray my children and take him back after everything that happened. I remember something Dr. Laura used to say- Sometimes things just can't be fixed. It's sad. I prayed for him to change and now he has, but it's too late.
So I have told him I do not want to continue in the relationship or work on it and he is devastated. He says he is working so hard and why can't I give him a chance. It's all so clear in my head not to be with him but for some reason I feel guilty for hurting him and choosing what is best for me and my kids. I know one of my biggest problems is always putting his feelings before mine. I never stood up for myself. I want to change and I know I deserve better. I will always look at him as someone who verbally abused me and my kids.
I feel stupid saying this but I need to know it is okay to still leave him, that I have nothing to feel guilty about.
We all wish for our spouse to change. We are told it can't happen. My marriage had completely broken apart. I still feel angry at him for the abuse and my kids don't want anything to do with him. We are separated and not living together and I don't miss him. But my husband is seriously working on himself and I feel guilty for still wanting to end it and not try to love him again. How can I help myself accept what I am doing is okay? I struggle because my heart says we are supposed to forgive and turn the cheek when someone is truly repentant. But then I flip to thinking about my kids and my head says NO WAY.
I am not getting back together with him I just need advice on how to let go of the guilt and move on. Thank you for reading.

I think your decision is well-justified. It's great that he is trying to improve his life, and maybe you can give him credit & encouragement for that, while also making it clear that you won't get back together with him. Too much history and too many bad memories for you to ever care about him in the same way. He should be able to understand that if he has really understood how bad his behavior was.

You can't build a relationship based on guilt. Realizing this will be tough for him, but now is the time while he has a good support structure in therapy. Sometimes you can't go back, or undo the things you've done. That doesn't mean he can't make a fresh start with someone else, and maybe that would be better for him as well.

I'm sorry to say this, but as much improvement as he's making, there is no way to know for sure what will happen when he gets stressed again. I grew up in a similar environment, with a father that was always angry and hyper-critical. When things got really bad my parents would separate, but then my father would appear to change and come back. I'm sure he tried but he got worse each time. Your post mentions a lot of the same behaviors that occurred in our house. It was not a good time and like your family, we were all much happier without him, sad to say. He actively destroyed most of the affection we ever felt for him.

Although I don't fault my mother for her decisions ( I know she did the best she could), I think it would have been far better for everyone if it had ended sooner. She did eventually leave him, and life improved a lot afterward. So I support you in trying to create & preserve a better environment for your family. You shouldn't feel guilty for that.

hiya..

I completely agree with avatar123..

Your decision is justified and the best one for you and your children and there really is no way of telling what will happen to his behaviour if you were to take him back..

I'm really happy that you refused to take him back and that he's having/had some help for his issues.. you and your children are the most important ones now..

Once love and trust is gone then i think all you can do is wish the person well and move on..

Don't forget your own needs here though.. right now you're holding a guilt burden for the consequences to your husbands actions - it's not your guilt to hold.. not at all and it might be useful for you to consider a brief course of counselling or perhaps joining a support group for a while.. just to get some support for yourself.. also; maybe some family sessions for you and the children to re-bond with each-other and talk through anything that's bothering anyone with a supportive guide.

xx

Thank you for your replies. I appreciate your kind words and wisdom.
I struggled over the weekend with negative thoughts. I was feeling bad for hurting him and leaving him. I felt bad about the past problems he's had to deal with in his life. I felt bad because he loves me so much and will be alone. Ugh.

I prayed to God to lift these burdens and help me forgive him and let it all go. I finally said ENOUGH. I realized us not being together is due to the consequences of his behavior. Not me being mean and cold hearted.

I feel better today. I decided to change my thinking from "I am not willing to try and work on this relationship" (which felt like I had a hard heart) to "I am choosing what is best for me and my kids".

I realize I have to get rid of the guilt and start taking on a new nature. I will practice putting these boundaries in place:
-It is okay to take care of myself instead of focusing on the wants, needs, and feelings of others.
-The reactions, feelings, likes, and dislikes of others don't have to control my feelings, behaviors, and choices.
-I give myself permission to be myself, to feel what I feel and express it, and take care of myself.

I really need to set a good example for my kids, especially my daughter, about how people should treat you in relationships. I don't want to go around this same mountain and repeat the same patterns. I have always felt fear in all my romantic relationships. I know this is not normal and I am now aware of the signs for myself. (I stop talking. I won't confront about something that is bothering me. I pretend I'm "ok". I try to keep the other person happy. I don't give my opinion.)

It's a process.
I look forward to healing and being happy!

Thanks again