PLEASE HELP

Hi all,

I have been in an emotionally/verbally abusive relationship for a year now. Sometimes I second guess myself because I am very aware that I'm being brainwashed. I just need some sort of confirmation that this is abuse. Also, I would appreciate it if anyone has any advice out there.

The guy I've been dating is in a really bad situation. He is constantly on the verge of homelessness but won't give up his dreams to get a normal job and blames it on his inability to work/mental illness. Yet, he refuses to get any help and always has. I have always been a compassionate person so I started taking care of him. I spend all of my money and every paycheck so that he can eat, drink, and satisfy his alcoholism. He has shown me a lot of love and we have had many happy moments together, which confuses me. I do love him and can't seem to let go of him. I care so much.

When he gets mad, he tells me that he hopes I die, calls me the "C" word, b*tch, everything. He also calls me a p*ssy and tells me that when we fight, I am a wimp for running back to my parent's house (where I currently live because I have serious health issues). He will throw things across the room and call me a baby for being afraid of it and that "it's not like I would ever hit you". He made me feel guilty for not providing us with an apartment. He tells me that I'm worthless. When I leave, he says that I'm "leaving him there to die and thanks a lot."

He tells me that I am the one that makes him act like this. After I broke up with him at first, he changed a lot and stopped doing it. It only comes out once in a while now but he blames it on me not being understanding about his anger and situation (it usually starts with me getting upset over him throwing something or getting overly angry even if it's not directed at me, then I pack up to leave, and he explodes). If he is in one of his insane moods, I always ask if he will get angry at me as the night progresses, and he answers with "no, unless you yell or get mad at me. DO NOT yell at me." I always feel like I'm walking on eggshells.

I don't know how to get out of this. I have put up with it off and on this far because of all the wonderful moments we have, too. He makes me feel more loved than anyone else and we have been through a lot together. We are connected very deeply, beyond his issues. He tells me that he will never change how he acts because he is more "special" than normal, boring people. It makes me worry to think that he will never change.

Any help would be appreciated.

hiya..

To be honest.. this really worries me..

He is clearly a really angry man and is very clearly emotionally abusing you..

He's giving you just enough niceness to make you stay with him in the hopes of seeing that ''good man that i know is in there'' all the time..

Unfortunately; this man doesn't sound like he wants to change.. he hasn't asked for help and he blames everything on you He hasn't taken responsibility for anything at all..

I promise that you're not the one who makes him act like this.. he is entirely responsible for his own actions and he can clearly change if he wants to.. he showed that when the pair of you split up for a while..
He simply doesn't want to imo.

I think that you're being more than supportive of his situation.. you're paying for everything and giving him moral support.
you really can't do anything more but take care of yourself now.. the scales are severely unbalanced here..


If you really want to keep trying and you sound like me so i know you don't give up easily.. then ask your partner if he'll go to counselling with you.. if he won't then i think that you'll need to walk away..

You are as important as he is xx

Thank you so much for the advice. I was able to break up with him a few weeks ago but it's been really hard and we still keep in touch every day/he is still manipulating me and abusing me. I still take care of him too. Unfortunately, he would never, ever agree to any kind of counseling. He says that he will never change because he is a "creative genius". It's weird but it really bothers me that his art actually is well-recognized and people refer to him as this creative genius. Nobody knows how he really is. Someone that mean doesn't deserve any recognition. I have a lot of anger because of that and I wish I didn't.

He thinks everyone should cater to him because he is a "genius" and that he doesn't have to change anything about him. He believes that the horrible things he says to people are "justified because people are mostly disappointing." He told me today that I am worthless and boring. He also made fun of me for having a disease and being sick all of the time. He said that I am ditching him because I can't bring him food and need to go get bloodwork done. He also said that people can expect nothing from me because I give nothing. That is really upsetting since I have tried to give so, so much. It's never enough.

I am trying my best to be strong but it's really hard. I don't know how I can love someone so much who treats me this way. I know it's the person he was during the good times (and there were actual good times, too) that I love. I guess I can't accept that he really is this completely different person.

you're more than welcome xx


I know it's really really tough to finish things with someone that you love.. especially when you keep thinking ''if i just keep trying a bit longer then i'll get that lovely guy i know he can be back''

The problem with this is that he's not the ''good times'' person.. the person that he is most of the time is the real man inside him.
The good guy is the one that he uses to lure you back in and keep hold of you.. the good guy is the fake one

When we break up with someone, it not only messes up our current place in time but it also messes up the future that we imagined in front of us.. all those ''what ifs'' and ''should haves'' are what really take time to let go of.

Do you think that you'd find it easier to have a completely fresh start and cut off contact with him altogether for the time being..?
It might be helpful for you to work on healing a little bit without the stress of seeing him everyday..

Please be kind to yourself over the thoughts about his art.. it's perfectly natural to be angry over someone that can treat people so badly but still manage to be successful.. it's also healthy to feel angry at him. you have every right to be angry at the way you've been treated here..

xx

I know, deep down, that you're right and I should cut off all contact with him. He actually cut off contact with me because he said he still loved me and was really mad at me for rejecting him. I am so, so sad. I haven't been eating and just crying all day. I miss him so much. I want to run over there and be with him but I don't want to fall into the same trap. I've been in many longer and more serious relationships but this is the saddest I've ever been over one.

I don't understand how I can be so attached to someone who can be that mean to me? It doesn't make any sense. There were times when I was laying in bed next to him at night and crying so hard and thinking "I need to get out of this". But now that I'm out, I am very, very depressed and miss him so much. Everything in the world reminds me of him.

I'm so scared he's going to move back home and I'll never see him again. I can't take the sadness. I don't know how to get over him and it's hard to refrain from calling him just to hear his voice. I feel like I'm back at square one.

Sometimes the intensity of emotion associated with a relationship can be addictive. It can generate the same kinds of chemical production in the brain that cause addiction. When you were with him, whether you felt extremely in love or wanted desperately to get out, either way the intensity level was pretty high. Then when you broke up, there was nothing to replace that constant feed of raw emotion. It's like withdrawal, you're essentially going cold-turkey with your emotional state.

Wanting to get back with him now is a way of getting that fix again. No doubt it would work, if you got back together you'd be back on the intensity roller-coaster, and getting shots of extreme emotion.

Like all forms of withdrawal, what you need is to give yourself time, and especially not to make a decision while you're craving that intensity. Once it passes, you'll see things much more clearly. And in the future with a better & more stable relationship. you'll learn that feeling loved should correspond to the absence of stress and anxiety. You can still feel strong emotion towards someone, but in a way that makes you feel secure instead of uncertain, and that's not constantly being swung wildly from one side to the other.

I hope you'll give yourself that time, and the opportunity to learn what a truly loving relationship should be. You won't get that with him, unfortunately. It's tough to face, but you''ll have better choices & chances ahead of you, without him. So you have to let this pass (it will in time), and move on for your own sake.

Thank you so, so much for the insight. It really does help to hear it from a different, more logical perspective.

I feel ashamed. I caved and drove over there and he was with another woman. She is going to be there all weekend. It was the most horrible experience in the world. I am completely heartbroken and can't believe he is with someone else after all this. I know I'll be up all night thinking about it. I'm so upset and feel betrayed.

I know, deep down, you're right. Experiencing these intense emotions can be addicting but ultimately ends up in disaster. Sometimes I worry that I crave the excitement of the drama and will be bored with a more calm and kind relationship.

I really hope I'll be able to get over all this. With being so ill and currently unemployed, I am in a big hole that is very hard to climb out of. He was the one person I relied on and that brought me some excitement/love and now he's gone and even worse, with another woman. I hope this will pass soon but honestly, I feel worthless.

I'm so sorry he did that. He tells you he loves you one day, then is with someone else the next. That's consistent with what you said earlier about his behavior. He sounds like one of those people that goes around proclaiming love for others, but in truth has no real clue what that means. I could see the attraction in this for you, who probably are sincere in your feelings for him, and wanted/expected him to be equally sincere. Unfortunately he probably doesn't know how, apart from learning what to say & do to maintain the illusion, while it suits him.

Maybe it was good for you to go over there and see this for yourself. It should put to rest any doubts about the kind of person he is, and what your life would be like with him.

It also sounds like part of your self-worth is wrapped up in his approval & affection. I know it probably doesn't feel this way, but you actually are maintaining your self-worth by ending things with him. You're saying that you deserve better, and that's absolutely true.

To really see that, you need to have your value reflected back at you by other people. He wasn't a reliable friend because he only mirrored that when it suited his purpose, and could just as easily do the opposite and make you feel badly about yourself. It would be good now if you could spend some time around other people so that you can receive that true reflection again.

I know you mentioned you were ill & unemployed, but for now you might try to avoid becoming isolated. If there are things you could do to be with others, or friends/family you could be with, that might be a good option. Volunteering can provide that, if you don't have another outlet. There are always groups that need help and are welcoming of newcomers. That would also help to take your mind off things, and give you something useful to do. It can sometimes lead to the job opportunities as well.

In any case, I hope you'll stay strong, and recognize that you're going through this because he turned out to be the wrong kind of person. So now you're doing what you need to do for yourself, and what's best for you. That's a good thing even if it doesn't feel like it at present.