Advice/Help - My daughter's complicated behavior

Hi everyone, I am new here. I'm sorry if this is not the right place.

I actually found this forum after looking around for affection disorder.

I am 45, divorced brazilian woman, living in the Capital,  with 2 kids, 20 and 14. I work for the governement. And am currently in a stable relationship with an american, 7 years now.

I have struggled with my daughter temperament since she was 13. She is almost 21 now. With the of 13,  she started drugs,  alcohol,  cigarettes,  abandoned school,  extremely nervous,  totally lack of organization,  a chaos. We fought a lot. She blames me for anything and everything,  she curses me,  lies,  screams,  make incredible scandals.

With huge sacrifice she finished highschool and started university of law. She was trying,  I think,  to have a normal life. But she still lives in chaos and still has unpredictable mood. No,  I take it back,  her mood is always like she is ready for a war. She has been diagnosed with ADHD. She takes ritalin. She is smart.

A month ago she started one of her scandals and I don't know what happened to me,  but I spanked her,  crying desperately, telling her to respect me,  while she cursed me and said really,  really bad things. I told her to get out of my house. Now she is living with friends, I don't know where.

2 days after that,  she asked me if she could stay here untill she gets a job. I told her yes,  if she would accept to live under my rules. And they were not horrible,  things like respect,  wakinp up 9 o'clock, helping with the cleaning,  no more scandals etc. She didn't accept.

I am feeling terrible because I've spanked/beaten her.

She is not working,  is not going to school. I feel guilty.

I want her to get some help with a therapist or psychiatrist. She refuses. Her father lives in another country. They don't see each other since she was 8.

I desperately need some advice.

Hiya Patricia..

It sounds like a really really tough situation for you and you're obviously really worried and regret hitting her..

What happened at the age of 13 to your daughter..? Is there anything that happened to her that could have caused this behaviour or was this because she hit the ''terrible teens'' and got involved with the wrong type of people..?


I think that the best thing to do would be to go for some counselling yourself and see if you can work out a way to communicate with your daughter that keeps her calm instead of triggering her.. not an easy feat by the sounds of it but it is possible.
I think that your daughter would likely come back to you if she can see that you're a calm and safe person for her to lean on.. it sounds like she has so much drama going on in her mind and the rest of her life that she simply needs to be able to lean on you.

xx

Thank so much for the words. I do feel guilty and I regret with all my heart what happened.

I think you are right, there is drama and there is a calm response I need to build/learn how to properly talk, deal with her feelings. Nothing in particular happened to her, just strange friends and experiences.

I feel like I failed. I feel lost and confused. I started to hurt myself, I bite my arm just enough to feel pain, but I don't get to blood, so is not going to leave any marks. Never thought to do that before, but when I am desperate, it helps me. I'll go look for some counselling this week.

Thank you once again.

Pat