My girlfriend is being abused by her stepfather

My girlfriend and I have been seeing each other for just over four months. I’m 28 and live on my own and she is 20 and still lives with her parents in a council house. She has a brother and a sister but they both left home some time ago. She works full time in a fast food restaurant. I also work full time. The relationship between us has been good, however I have been growing increasingly concerned about her domestic situation.

My concern began on our first date when she told me that she has to pay £170 a week in rent, which I thought was extortionately high considering she still lives with her parents, and as she only takes home around £190-£210 a week from her low-paid job. This basically means she has hardly any money for herself. So far during the relationship I have paid for everything. As it happens it turned out that she is actually paying the full weekly rent payments for the house she and her parents live in, and has been doing so for around three years since she started work (her first job). Each week she has to hand over £170 in cash to her stepdad, who himself works full time (albeit in a low-paid job). Her mother works part time. Her stepdad recently spent £6000 on a new motorbike and also chain smokes all day long.

My concerns grew even more when she asked me to meet her parents a week after our first date, as they were apparently very keen to meet me. Before I went in to the house, my girlfriend warned me to watch what I say to her stepdad, as “if he doesn't like what you say he might hit you”. Rather bemused, I went in to the house. The reception I received was not exactly friendly, I went to shake hands with her stepdad who begrudgingly did so without smiling, and told me to sit down. He then proceeded to tell me in no uncertain terms that “if you ever lay a finger on her it would be the last thing you ever do”. Then he had a go at me for taking my girlfriend back to my place on our first date (we didn’t have sex, just watched a movie and had our first kiss). He said he was angry that I had done this and tried to provoke me into a response or an apology. Also whilst I was there, he threw a lighter in my girlfriend’s face, hard, and laughed. He said he does things like that “to toughen her up”. He also belittled her, called her “the baby”, and also said she was “a hard worker but that’s about it”, and had nothing else good to say about her. He also told me about a time when he was working in the garden, and got my girlfriend to move a really heavy object from one side to the other, and then got her to move it back saying “he didn't want that moving”, which he thought was hilarious. I also noticed that he merely had to say my girlfriend’s name and “drinks” and she would have to get up and go and make a hot drink for everyone in the room. Also if he is eating a meal he hands her his dirty plate and cutlery to go and wash when he’s finished eating. My girlfriend has also told me that she does the majority of the household chores, shared with her mother who does some, and he does none (and yet he had the gall to say to me with a straight face on our first meeting that everyone who lives in the house is “equal”).

My girlfriend has over the past few weeks confided in me other things, such as that she is not allowed to charge her mobile phone without permission (it is frequently low on battery), is not allowed to wash her clothes without permission (often denied) and is not allowed to have a bath without permission. She is also allowed a maximum of one bath per week. When I asked why this was the case, she said she didn't know, it was just the rules (despite the fact she is paying the full rent for the house). Another thing which did disturb somewhat was when she told me that when she is finally allowed to have a bath, her stepdad comes in whilst she is in there, apparently to use the toilet, although last time used it as an opportunity to throw cold water in her face.

Other things I have noticed about him in particular, is that he is proud of his previous acts of violence and bragged about the number of times he has been sacked from jobs as a result of him hitting his boss. He also admitted to having “red mist” and that he only ever fights to kill, and quite recently punched a man on the street so hard he ended up in hospital and nearly died (the man was apparently being aggressive towards a woman on the street so this is why he hit him). He also nearly choked another man to death.

Obviously after seeing all of this I have grown increasingly concerned about my girlfriend, especially her physical safety, however she tells me he is not violent towards her and has only physically hurt her once, when he hurt her shoulder. But it’s the emotional and financial abuse which I think is having the biggest effect on her. Her self esteem and self worth are extremely low – I have been trying to help bring these up and she gets better the more time we spend time together but whenever she’s back at home for any period they are back down again. He belittles her constantly, tells her she is useless, shouts her down when she tries to voice her opinion and then confuses her by saying she needs to stand up for herself more. He laughed about when it was our first date she was very nervous and he kept telling her that I had arrived making her rush downstairs when she was getting ready over and over. He controls her; she is not allowed to be out after 11pm and is she is not back she is locked out (unless she is working as she sometimes finishes work at midnight). She was not allowed to come into my house at all for many weeks into our relationship. Her financial situation is hopeless, as he takes almost all her money she is unable to save, and therefore can’t save up a deposit for her own place to escape her situation (she has not got the confidence to do this as he has taught her to be suspicious of everybody she meets at first so shared accommodation, which is all she could afford, is a no no). She can’t buy clothes or shoes, can’t learn to drive, can’t go out or really do anything other than pay for the bus/taxi to work and back. She doesn't have any friends besides me.

I really want to help my girlfriend as much as I can, but I am now not sure what to do. I have tried to talk to her at length about her situation but in the end when I lay it out to her in black and white she just gets upset. Despite everything he does she says she still loves her stepdad. I have offered to give her money for a deposit and a month’s rent for her own place, but she says she will only live with me, but I'm not sure we’re at that stage of our relationship. She says that if necessary she will stay in her situation indefinitely if she has to. She says if she was to move out she would never be allowed to move back in as "those are the rules". She often complains to me about having no money, to which I often respond “it’s because you’re giving it all to him”, which she doesn't really respond to. I have now reached the conclusion that there is nothing I can really do, only be there for her when she needs me, although I think all of this is going to destroy our relationship and may already have done so as it’s always there in the background. I also have come to seriously dislike him for how he treats her, and don’t really want him in my life at all, however my girlfriend insists he’s not all bad and I just need to get to know him better. However I have already spent quite a long time getting to know him as he gets upset/suspicious if I don’t speak to him on a frequent basis, my opinion hasn't changed. I am completely disgusted at the way he treats her, my response to which she doesn't really seem to understand. It’s as though he’s made her think that it’s OK and normal for men to treat women the way he does, which I find is the saddest thing of all. I'm wondering if I just need to call quits on the whole thing.

Apologies for the length of this post, if anyone has any comments or advice I’d much appreciate it.

He is a controlling bully. Full stop.

I realize you are concerned about this in the context of a relationship, but let me put this to you another way. She is a nice person and deserves to be treated better. It doesn't matter if you are her boyfriend or even a stranger, what is happening to her is unfair beyond reason. Even if the relationship isn't "there" yet, or "won't work out", helping her is absolutely the right thing to do supposing you can. I hope you can make some kind of difference for the better.

She is not in a mental state to really understand and accept her circumstances and do what needs to be done. She has been a victim of a cycle of abuse her entire life. That's all she knows. And the "good" parts of the cycle are what keeps her ratcheted into this mess.

Sadly, dealing with this sort of person is extremely difficult (regarding the father). And the daughter isn't going to have it easy either. Just be open and accepting towards her as much as you can. If you are willing, tell her you are an open door and you will let her stay with you as much as she wants. She has to make the decision herself, you just need to be there to provide support as she wants it. You can't educate the cycle out of her, I know, I've tried. You also can't really confront the father, that's his game. You might be able to undermine some of his #######4, play into his ego, or whatever, but he "never loses." There is no situation in his mind that he won't warp into something where "he won." All the better if you can figure out how to make it so "he won" by his daughter leaving his home behind, but I have trouble conjuring up that possibility.