The aftermath of Verbal and Emotional Abuse

I've posted once in another category about how to deal with grief after the end of a relationship but after writing my post I realized everything I was saying had the mentality of an abused woman.

I was in a one year relationship that ended a week ago. I am completely devastated even though I kept telling friends and family I wanted out but didn't know how. Over the course of the last year he's done so much to hurt me that it became irreparable. He would have angry outbursts at me over small things in front of roommates or in public, humiliating me for expressing a feeling he didn't agree with or for inconveniencing him. An example would be (which happened on 2 occasions), one time we ordered takeout food for dinner and wanted to pick up some beer to go with it. He wanted ME to go pick everything up while he stayed home, but I expressed I thought it would be nice if he went together. After minutes of arguing he agreed to come and made me miserable the whole ride there, degrading me about how I can't do anything alone and how after a long day of work this is the LAST thing he would want to do. When we got to the restaurant he brought up to the lady that I couldn't come run an errand alone so he had to come with me. By the time we got to the store to pick up the other items I was so angry I couldn't even look at him and he has the nerve to ask if something is wrong. I say of course there is and he turns to the checkout guy and says "shoot me!". On another almost identical occasion he "got back at me" by throwing away $50 worth of food we picked up because I caused him to lose his appetite for arguing with him and he wanted to teach me a lesson and that he wouldn't condone "bad behavior". These kind of outbursts would happen almost weekly, sometimes a month would go by without it and I started to accept them as normal. I would just try and avoid saying anything or doing anything to set him off. The last straw for me was when he got blackout drunk on a work night (he never ever drinks so this was really strange to me) the night before an important morning meeting he had been prepping for, so I was trying to get him to stop taking shots at a decent hour so we could go home and sleep. He started screaming at me in the bar for being there to "babysit" him and the bartender took his drinks away and he got kicked out. I tried to follow him out and he proceeded to yell at me on the street about how I make him miserable and he didn't wanna be with me. So I left crying, and of course like clock work he called to apologize the next day about how horrible he felt. He always would apologize whenever I would stop trying to contact him or begging him to stop the behavior. But he had no control of making sure it didn't happen again.

Another constant battle in the relationship was him making me feel guilty for expressing I wanted to spend more quality time together. He was always interested in something else and would invite me over to basically sit next to him and watch TV while he worked on a project or did work. The last few months of our relationship he moved 2 hours away for a job and I would drive there on the weekends to get there and end up having to entertain myself or sit and watch hours of netflix on a beautiful day while he worked. He would often say he had no work to do before I came and when I got there it was a lie. I always expressed how we never went anywhere or did anything together and he would make me feel guilty by saying things like "nothing is ever good enough for you! I spend all my free time with you and you don't appreciate it!" I was basically to the point of begging for attention. Never feeling noticed by this man, never feeing sexually desired (always being turned down for sex), but was never allowed to express how I felt. He would also always criticize me about how I let people walk all over me and I need to express my own opinions and be strong but when I tried that with him he would do anything he could to demean me. He also constantly complained that our relationship wasn't fun but I racked my brains for dates and activities for us to do. I was willing to plan everything and anything and he never wanted to do any of it with me.

So a week ago when he was down visiting me, we of course had a few fights and the night before he left I just broke down crying saying I was trying to feel the same but I thought I had been damaged beyond repair hoping and praying I could get to him to try and change . He just started off into space and turned over and went to bed. In the morning we woke up up and before he left to go home he proceeded to end things with me saying he's been unhappy with me for a long time because I am so controlling and smothering and he's not appreciative of me because I made him feel that way. I tried to talk to him after he left and he wasn't having it. So now its been 6 days since there was any contact. I am so hurt because I don't understand how he has the nerve to blame me for anything when all I did was cater to him our entire relationship and he put forth zero effort. I started questioning myself, thinking what I could have done differently to save it, maybe if I never asked him to do things he didn't wanna do. I am racking my brain for answers of how he could just walk away from me like that and I sadly keep hoping he will call and we can work it out. I don't know how I could love this person or why I would even hope to reconcile, but I can't let go and it's not registering that I have to let it go. I am ready to call or text any minute to try and work it out but family and friends just keep reiterating that I can't. I just hope and pray that he realizes what he is losing

"I started questioning myself, thinking what I could have done differently to save it, maybe if I never asked him to do things he didn't wanna do. I am racking my brain for answers of how he could just walk away from me like that and I sadly keep hoping he will call and we can work it out."
Do not take him back. He is not going to change. He knows you are afraid of him and dependent on him for your worth. He is using your weakness against you and he knows you will continue to allow his abusive behavior. By him blaming you for his actions is telling me he is not taking responsibility for his side of the relationship. Please walk away from this relationship. It is a step towards a healthier life for yourself.
Love is an action word. His actions say he does not love you. Look at what people do and not what they say. You are worthy and deserving of love. Please, do not chase this man and try to get him to understand how you feel because all that matters to him is how he feels. You need to know your worth. He is not cherishing you.

I know your story because it reminds me of me. I was married for 5 years to a verbally abusive man. He would rage at me and scream at me over the smallest infraction (not knowing the restaurant was closed, or wanting to take my daughter out for lunch-this took away time with him) Or he would give me the silent treatment and ignore me. I tried to make him happy but ended up tip toeing around and staying out of his way most of the time. His moods were inconsistent and he blamed me for hating his life. This went on for 5 years until an argument turned into a screaming incident where the police were called. He filed for separation and said we were done. A few days later he was sorry and wanted to come home. I said no.
He decided to attend a 2 month rehab for trauma and anger management and since being out has wanted to fix our marriage and right the wrongs he has done. I am not open to taking him back due to all the pain and anger I have from all the abuse. I am not trusting he will be able to calmly address things and communicate rationally without violent verbal reactions. I still have so much fear of him. I told him I realized in the time he was gone that I deserve love and kindness, that I am valuable. That I am angry at him and don't want to continue the relationship. He is devastated.
He says he is no longer that guy, but it's too late, my feelings have changed. I do not love him anymore. He has to live with the fact that HE caused the breakdown of our marriage due to his inability to control his rage and anger.
It has been hard for me to get to this clarity. I struggled with feeling really guilty and sad because he has made progress and changes. He's upset I do not want to get back together. It's sad but not everything can be fixed. I had always put his feelings before mine, tried to make him happy and minimized how I felt. I cannot do that anymore. My feelings are important and I matter. I never want to be in a relationship of fear again.
Anyone who calls you names, puts you down, threatens you, humiliates you, screams at you is abusing you. Get out and don't look back. Don't justify or waver or feel bad you're not giving them another chance, or think you can change them or love them better. Make the healthy choice, leave and get your life back.