Was I the abuser all along?

Am I an abuser?
My partner and I have been together collectively for six years (both male) and to say we have “been together” is a stretch. We met six years ago and fell in love. For a time, things were peaceful.
Sometime into the relationship, my partner started lying to me. About various things. Losing his job. His money. Lies about his friends or his past. I still recall the first argument we had, in the middle of town. He had been caught out lying about his finances. I challenged him on it. It all kicked off into a shouting match. He eventually confessed.
I am not a wall flower. I am not easily bullied, or bossed around. To say that when I found out about that first lie, I made sure to let him know how angry and upset I was is not stretch. Every time he lied from that point on, and I found out, I made sure in some way to “punish” him.
He would lie about almost anything. Sometimes days would pass, or months would pass before I would find out about some things. His lies ranged from as small as his daily life, right up to him telling his entire family my Mother had died. There seemed to be no limit. As I said, every time I caught him out in a lie, I’d try very hard to get him to confess. I’d try to be patient, reasonable and always kept logic and the facts on my side.
He would fight tooth and nail to be the bitter end, every single time. No confession ever came on his behalf. It was always when he was cornered with no verbal place left to run and there was no lie left to run to. To this day, he has never been the one to come forward first.
I love him; at least I think I did. Id forgive. I’d try to help him. I tried to get him professional help. I showed him patient and equality. I tried to show him that I loved him and accepted him for what he was and that I would help him heal of his lies. I wanted him to be ok. I wanted him to trust himself. I wanted to trust him again.
Time passed. The lies never went away.
We would fall in and out of love over and over again. I’d always invite him back and forgive him. But, something dark was stirring or at least now I think it was dark. For each lie that I caught him on, my reactions got worse. I would shout louder. I would take gifts back that Id given him to make a point. No matter what. He never confessed first.
I tried to hit him twice. The first time was after I found out he had told his entire family my Mother had died. I managed to get him to face me, after his own Mother told me what he had done. I saw him, I was so angry I went to punch his gut. At the last second I pulled the blow and glanced him,
The second time was when we were visiting my Mother. After my birthday party all hell broke loose after he broke the Hotel bathrooms tap. I called him on it and it devolved. As it always did, into a huge fight. He called me a cheat. I punched him in the face. To note at this time that he had just concluded an actual affair with someone who looked identical to me is important. Also of note is that I did not have an affair myself. I was so enraged to be called a cheat by the very man who had been caught red handed having his own affair that I lashed out. That night, was a long night.
It never really ended. Time would always pass, and a new lie would emerge. Id react worse, to the point at the second last blowout we would ever have, I tried to physically remove him from my home. I did not want to share the tenancy with him. That event got violent and we tussled. But, as always, I forgave him and invited him back accepting I had no right to take his home away.
More time passed. 6 months later. Another lie came out. It was over a kettle. A simple kettle. He broke it. Brought it to me and showed me it. Saying it was broken. I looked into the matter and saw that someone has visibly and quite vehemently tried to force the kettle open. As if in panic after breaking it. I brought these facts to him. He denied doing anything. Saying that it was not his fault. There was no one else it could have been.
This was it. This was the lie. Two days passed before I made my move. I told him “I will give you once chance to admit to this. It is not about a kettle anymore.” To this day he holds to the fact he did not do it. I asked him to move out. His lease was up and I didn’t want him to stay anymore. He would not look at me. Just kept saying over and over he didn’t do anything. He sucked on a cigarette triumphantly. I flipped out. I grabbed the smoke from his lips and crushed it with my hand, I shook him. Yelling at him to leave. He said “I know what you are trying to do, and you won’t rattle my cage.” I screamed at him “Rattle your cage? I’ll show you rattling your cage.” And I tried to grab his tobacco box from him. We wrestled and I bit him on the shoulder. We rolled around as we fought over the tobacco box. He threatened me with a hot cup of coffee, so I grabbed it and poured it over my own head. Shouting “What else are you going to threaten me with!?” Over and over I shouted for him to leave. I kept trying to throw him out and things got worse and worse. Screaming and shouting. He kept trying to pack his bags and I kept trying to throw him out. He got angrier and angrier until he started to hit me. It isn’t the first time he has done this.
I had mentioned my reaction to his lies got worse and the angrier I had got in the past had caused him to react violently. But this time, I was the aggressor. I antagonized this fight. I wanted him out. I need him out. I kept trying to get him out. He hit me harder and harder refusing to leave until he had packed.
Then he was gone.
What have I done? Is it me? Was I the problem all along? Was my inability to deal with his lies what made this happen? Am I the abuser?

Hiya..

A really rough relationship by all accounts..

I think that yes.. there was definitely fault on your part.. in the beginning, it started out as you being hurt by his lies but by the end it finished with you acting in an abusive manner..


I don't think it was your inability to handle his lies that was the problem exactly.. i think it was the taking him back and saying that you'd forgiven him when you clearly hadn't been able to..
Just to add though.. it wasn't all your fault.. not at all. The scales are pretty balanced here, with both of you culpable.

Screaming and shouting. He kept trying to pack his bags and I kept trying to throw him out. He got angrier and angrier until he started to hit me. It isn’t the first time he has done this.
I had mentioned my reaction to his lies got worse and the angrier I had got in the past had caused him to react violently. But this time, I was the aggressor. I antagonized this fight. I wanted him out. I need him out. I kept trying to get him out. He hit me harder and harder refusing to leave until he had packed.

^ this sounds like an awful relationship. One thing i will say, is that no matter how much you're standing there shouting at someone, it is never okay to hit them.. if you can't handle things then you walk away to calm down and come back when you're more able to cope.
Your partner was absolutely wrong to hit you when you were shouting at him, as you were when you hit him.



being cheated on is horrible and i'm really sorry that he did that to you xx

In short; you sound like you would benefit from a helping hand from a counsellor and an anger management programme right now.. i'm seeing a good amount of insight into your own behaviour in your post.. i think that it's more than possible for you to deal with all of this and make sure that this doesn't get repeated in future relationships..