He Hurt Me... I Trusted Him... Need Support Please...

I missed my appointment with T yesterday... I took a ton of Benadryl for hives and slept from 8am to 9pm... I actually forgot about the appt... And I had so much to tell her too.

I got hurt by this guy I was seeing. I trusted him so much and he promised he'd never hurt me... I trusted him so so much. He was perfect and said all the right things and met my family and he just seemed perfect. I started to fall hard. I even (ashamed to say it because I was planning on re-waiting until marriage) slept with him twice... I didn't even have flashbacks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I spent sooo much money on him... So much. What was I thinking....?

I felt safe with him and he said he wanted more in our relationship and that I could trust him 100%... I felt so loved and wanted and cared about. When he held me, I felt safe... I let my walls, that I'd built so high, down and he did what he said he wouldn't do. He knew about my past because I told him in case I had a flashback so he wouldn't get scared. He was fine with it and only acted like he cared even more. I guess I can't sum up how awesome I felt when I was with him. It felt nice having someone care about me again and I realized how much I missed having a relationship... I honestly don't know why he left me in the dirt, I probably never will, but I feel used and unwanted and expendable, even if that wasn't his intentions.

We had made plans to see each other on the 1st of June. The plans were made on the 25th of May... He starting ignoring me (ignoring phone calls, voice mails, text messages, Snap Chats... I knew he was ignoring me because it tells you when someone opens a Snap Chat) on the 26th of May which I thought was weird but I gave him space. After about 3 days of him ignoring me, I texted him on the 28th of May to see if he still wanted to even see me on the !st. He said he did. So on Sunday (the 1st) went to his house to get some things I had left there.. I planned to tell him that he obviously was ignoring me and I was getting my things and that if he wanted to hang out that is fine but I wanted to know why he was treating me like this. I was sure there was a rational reason... He wasn't home.

So I texted him and said, "I am on your front steps. Please call me."

He called me and said, "What the hell are you doing at my house?"

I said, "I came to get my charger. We had plans made to meet today and have a bonfire and go fishing. We made them last Sunday and then you confirmed on Wednesday you still wanted to see me. You never cancelled the plans so how was I to you you weren't going to be here??"

"You could have called me!! I have received no calls or voice mails from you. Besides those plans we made were a week ago."

"Are you kidding me?! I have called you countless times and you NEVER answered me! And from what I know, plans are kept and carried out until someone cancels them. How was I to know you didn't want to see me when you won't even talk to me?!?! Anyway, I want my charger!"

"Fine, I will be there in 20 minutes."

When he got there, he went inside and got my charger and came back outside. He handed it to me and we just stared at each other for 30 seconds until I said, "Is there something wrong?"

"There sure is."

"Are you mad at me or something or is there something going on that you are struggling with?"

"I am livid with you."

"Can I ask why?" I said trying not to cry.

"No, if I talk about it now I will explode. Just leave."

"Will I ever hear from you again? Did you even mean any of the stuff you told me? Were those all lies? Do you not want to see me anymore?"

"Yes, I will eventually tell you and call you. And no, I meant all those things I told you. But I can't talk to you right now."

I got into my car and bawled.. I had to pull over on the highway as I couldn't see.. I don't understand how he went from being so perfect and caring to playing mind games with me and saying super hurtful things.

I SI'd... And it had got my PTSD all activated really bad. Had bad memories and emotional flashbacks of things Cam (my ex) used to do to me... He did mind games....... Gas-lightnig and m*nd c*ntrol techniques and made me dissociate intentionally to put "things" into my head so I would subconsciously react to them later... He was pure evil.... The things he did was way worse than this but this was the type of stuff he'd do all the time...

Anyway, it's now the 7th of June and tomorrow will be a week that this all happened... I haven't tried contacting him.. And I have yet to hear from him... I am beginning to think I never will... I feel so used and violated...

But now I will not trust anyone... This is the last time.. And I am beginning to think that nice guys are slim to none... Maybe he left me high and dry because of his own issues (family, he's scared, work, I don't know) or maybe everything he said to me was just a lie so I would sleep with him and spend money on him and now he is done... I don't know... Oh well.

And to top it off, I finally have begun to except the Others in my head... They aren't fully-split like DID at all.. But they are other "sides" to me.. And they make up me... I know everyone has this to an extent but mine feels a bit more concrete than everyday people's are, and quite a bit less concrete than those with DID... So I have no Idea what I am...

I need hugs.

It's been 2 weeks he stopped talking to me.. I feel so used. Is that all I am good for?

aww crap..

this made me cry


(((huge hugs)))..

I really really connect to this and am so sorry that this has happened to you..

Firstly i want to say that you have a lovely strong voice there and i really admire the way that you stood up to him and said all that stuff.. it's really difficult, (especially with the ptsd) to stand there and find your voice when someone is treating you like that.. absolute respect to you xx

But now I will not trust anyone... This is the last time.. And I am beginning to think that nice guys are slim to none... Maybe he left me high and dry because of his own issues (family, he's scared, work, I don't know) or maybe everything he said to me was just a lie so I would sleep with him and spend money on him and now he is done... I don't know... Oh well.

^ i can completely understand that.. there are most definitely some decent guys out there though.. i'm still healing up from my last relationship myself so the only advice i can give is to stay on your own for a little while until you start to trust men again.. it took me five years the first time i left a seriously abusive partner to start looking at men again and i'm on 18 months of being single right now.. i'm just starting to find them attractive again.
Is there a male therapist that you trust and you could have some sessions with..? It might be good to just spend some time around males that you're not attracted to but do respect.

I wouldn't say that he said all that to just sleep with you, there was something about you that he liked enough to keep him coming back to you and wanting to be with you..
why he changed suddenly = who knows.. see if he contacts you and explains but the way he treated you (his attitude to you) shows me that he had been caught out.. he was shouting and being mean to you because he didn't like being caught paying whatever game he is playing..

And to top it off, I finally have begun to except the Others in my head... They aren't fully-split like DID at all.. But they are other "sides" to me.. And they make up me... I know everyone has this to an extent but mine feels a bit more concrete than everyday people's are, and quite a bit less concrete than those with DID... So I have no Idea what I am...
I need hugs.

It's been 2 weeks he stopped talking to me.. I feel so used. Is that all I am good for?

^ you are you and you are good enough xx promise xx

tell me about your others, i think i can relate a lot here.. i don't quite have others but i have some different parts of me as well.. it's like i am very different depending on the situation, my thoughts come from different parts of me.. i'm made up of a logical part, an emotional part, a child part (the me i once was but she's still small and i view my past as hers but mine.. confusing to explain).. oh, and a fairy (i view her as my spirit).



tons more ((huge hugs))