Got triggered reading an article on abuse.

(In retrospect this post might not be BP related, but this is the forum I feel safest in)

Today I was browsing a news website and in the women's section there was an article on abuse in relationships. I was curious, since I recently met somebody who was in a very abusive relationship.

What I didn't expect was being triggered from what I read. Not because of the abuse part or that it triggered a memory of abuse, but of the feelings and emotions that the victim experiences. I quote:

"You can’t sleep at night, you cry all the time, you’re nervous, anxious, depressed, you gave up hope, felt like you wanted to die, didn't believe in anyone or anything"

And it didn't remind me of any past relationships, it reminded me of my relationship with my BOSS! It's the constant fear and anxiety I experience around him. Like in an abusive relationship. I was doing okay these last couple of weeks and I was quite confused as to why, but appreciated it. This knocked me back to a place I did not want to be. It brought back those hopeless feelings. Those feelings where I just want to run away. It isn't right.

You shouldn't feel like this. You shouldn't fear another person. A person who does contract work for our company told our boss is a "big ol' teddy bear". And all I could think was WTF does he know! He isn't his subordinate! But then I can't really say the boss is abusive. But I still feel this way around him. Fear and anxiety. The feeling of wanting to die. Easily triggered. Even as I type this I hope the boss doesn't come back to the office.

Sorry for the rant/vent. I know this might not even be BP related, but this is the forum I feel safest in. Mods please move it if you feel you need to.

Hi never42

I am going to move this to the Verbal & Emotional Abuse forum but will leave a shadow topic in place so ppl from BP can add something if they want to.

It sounds like you have a really difficult relationship with your boss and I am so sorry to hear that. It does not sound like he is behaving appropriately if it is causing you to have the feelings you do about him and the situation. I am not sure what to suggest as I can appreciate talking to him about this would be very difficult and might not be helpful either. Is there ay chance you could look for another job? Do you know if any of your colleagues feel the same way as you?

Hugs

Cracked

I have not spoken to any of my co-workers about this. I don't feel comfortable talking to them about it. For most of them here it's their first job and they don't know any better. Or they have strong enough personalities to deal with it.

To elaborate on how I experience my boss. He will give me a task and would get a very condescending or impatient tone if I do not know how to do it. Or when I give him a plan of action he would tear into it. And he does this all very calmly. But it's his tone and how he looks at me (one cocked eyebrow as if I'm telling the stupidest thing he's ever heard). I have not had this at previous jobs. I've worked under a couple of managers - some impatient - but have not felt like this before.

As for looking for another job. I feel too scared that going to another job that it would be different. It's only today that I've realised that it might just be the boss that's making it unpleasant. In terms of salary, I'm getting paid very well here - a little above my skill level. The idea of the job was to get upskilled to the level of my salary to make it worth it for my employers. So at the moment I'm kind of expensive for skill level. Meaning it would be difficult to get another job without taking a pay cut. But, then again, it was my boss who told me in my performance appraisal that I am too expensive and that they could get somebody to do the same for less pay.

So many questions pop in my head. Am I just somehow prejudice against this guy? Should I just man up and stop being afraid? Do I have valid reasons for fealing like this? I did notice from the beginning that he had a subtle bully tendency (and it's very subtle).

Please any input from you guys would be appreciated!

It doesn't sound like a healthy situation to me. I understand you not wanting to leave due to economic reasons. At the same time, my fear is that this experience will leave you with scars that cause low self esteem and therefore the more you stay there the more you will have a hard time getting another job.
Is there anyone you could complain to about him at work?