Verbal and emotional abuse HELP!

I miss the old me. The happy me. The care free me. Sometimes I am happy, but most times I am not. I have lost myself and who I am by trying to make someone else happy. I used to laugh all the time. I used to want to go and do fun things. I love him, but I am constantly trying to make him happy at the cost of my own happiness. I have to watch what I say and what I do in order to not make him angry with me to the point where he wants a divorce. I can’t help but think it is me who is the messed up person and that I am just inadequate and incapable of doing the right thing. When he is happy I am happy but when he is mad or indifferent towards me, my whole world goes to $#%^ while he is able to behave as though nothing happens. Why can’t I turn off my emotions? Why do his actions and emotions have such a huge effect on mine own. I was never like this before I met him.
I can’t imagine not being with him but I am starting to question why I think this way when so much time of my life is spent on pain from the way I am being treated. I would give anything for him while I feel as though he would not nearly come close to doing the same for me. I want to blame it on PTSD and the fact that he saw terrible things and had terrifying things happen to him while he was, but how much can I take before I don’t want to even live on this earth anymore. Why am I so consumed by a love that is not equal? He tells me that he loves me, but I do not believe that someone who truly loves me would bring me so much pain.
I let him belittle me and make me believe that I am worthless and disposable. The worst part about it is that I can’t talk to anyone about what I am feeling or about what is going on because I know it will just make everyone I speak to furious at him for making me feel like this. I don’t want my family and friends to not like him because I will never hear the end of it for staying with him. I can’t imagine just getting up and walking out like I should.
Some days I question myself about marrying him only after a year. I have never wanted to be someone who married and got divorced. I constantly am apologizing for getting upset at his malicious behaviors towards me because he threatens to leave me and that is the last thing I want...or at least that is what I think I want. The hardest part would be learning how to let go and learning how to love myself again, let alone trying to learn how to let others in again. Maybe I jumped into this relationship too quickly after I had just gotten out of a 3-year-long relationship.
I love that he is so strong and doesn’t ever let anyone step all over him. He has taught me to stand up for myself with others who take advantage of me, but when I tried to stand up for myself with him, he will not take it. He has told me that he loves that I can now stand up for myself with others but he doesn’t want me to stand up for myself with him.
I gained some weight since we first started dating and have been working on getting it off, but he always needs to remind me about how fat I am. I rarely get any recognition for trying to better myself but when I eat one candy bar I get yelled at and reminded of how gross I am. I don’t believe that I am fat; I believe that I gained some weight this past year and that I have an extra 15 pounds that I need to lose to get back to my regular weight. I can’t help but think that this is how all men are because my last relationship was much like this one, although I think I am being more verbally abused in my current relationship. I want to believe that I am worthy of his love and affection but he makes no effort to make me feel worthy. Just today we got in an argument about why I didn’t go to the store and buy him his soda. When I replied that I was trying to save money (being that I always buy him his groceries) he got defensive and shut down. After this I became irritated and attempted to understand why he was upset even though we have talked about saving money for our big move and he kept telling me to “shut-up” and that “I don’t want anything to do with you”. When I told him where his sandwiches were that I made for him to bring to work he replied, “what the ###$ do you not understand about shutting the ###$ up. I don’t want to talk to you and I don’t want anything to do with you. Why cant you getting it through your stupid little ######6 head that I don’t want to talk to you.” After this I immediately started crying, which aggravated him even more. I was too scared to say a word to him after that and an hour later he left for work. I know that many of you reading this will question why I am continuing to stay in this relationship. I myself don’t know but I cannot bring myself to leave.

I don't question it. We love them, have given our hearts and minds to them, trusting them to treat them gently and protectively. But they suffer from, well basically a broken brain, where trauma has redirected the emotional signals and skews their view of the world. PTSD took my husband, the love of my life, the father to my children over 2 years ago and i've been scrambling to bring balance back to my life ever since. I understand the feeling of not being able to leave. "In sickness and in health" and I didn't take those vows lightly and have stayed true to them for almost 12 years. So even though i KNOW what he is doing is wrong, that i should leave, I just cant give up on him.

So we endure the harsh, unfair criticism, the angry, sometimes threatening manner in which they communicate. we forgive the unforgivable, excuse the inexcusable and always put ourselves last in hopes that they will see our sacrifice and love us that much more for it. We want to be that success story that we read about online, the husband who has recovered enough to see and care about someone other than himself and credits his loving wife for his recovery. ****ing media...****ing hope... it keeps me chained to my disappearing dream, stuck in a world of fear, shame, pain, despair and aching, ACHING loneliness.

I understand your sacrifices, all the things, activities and people you have given up for him. I have no solution. I don't think anyone does. I have no advice to offer. If I did, that would make me a hypocrite, as I am a fellow fool, fighting for the love of a man who cannot give it. I wish you luck and strength and hope you either get out before he hurts you too much or persevere and help bring your love back from the hell that is PTSD.