
Whenever I get the nerve up to, hang up the phone when my mom calls, or avoid her visits, I feel bad.
She comes over (I live alone) at times on her way home from a bar. She would get so drunk, she hardly can even stand. Yet she manages to find my place and pound on the door at 2am in the morning. I would feel bad if I left her outside because thoughts of "what if" come up. Im afarid of leaving her out there because anything could happen. So I open the door and she comes inside. She will look around my place and make rude comments on things I have (or dont have) and she will sit down (in the middle of the floor) and make comments about the temperature. She does that a lot and complains if it isnt right for her. Then most of the time she will get up and almost fall over, then start yelling. She will call me names and start to comment on my "lifestyle" I just stand there and take it. Last time she did it...really got to me. I told HER off back...and I feel guilty. I told her THIS IS MY PLACE im 22 YEARS OLD for gods sakes...if you dont want to be here, then leave and dont come over just ti yell at me!
And that pissed HER off and she started to yell at me more as she left. Then the next day I had phone messages telling me what an uncaring person I am, and how I should burn in hell, and how Im worth nothing and mean nothing to anything. Once ina while out of the blue I will have a message saying "its mommy call me back I miss you" So I give into her loving side only to be crushed. She wont pick up or she will and then ask "what do YOU want" so I call just to say hi, and to return her call...but she forgets she called me, and then starts off again with the names and all.
If I just avoid her I feel guilty almost like I deserve her harsh words and emotional pain she puts on me. And its not just my mother but my sisters (2) as well as my "stepdad" and real father. You see, Im like the black sheep and sisters are golden. They get whatevere they want and if I call just to let them know Im still alive, I get $#%^ on. When ever my sisters do call, its just to brag about what they have, or what they got. My stepdad is very very abusive in his ways...cause he has a temper and also drinks. Its as if they all take there stuff out on me. And I cant take it anymore! Last time my stepdad bothered me I ended up with a blackeye and my mom telling me he didnt hit me hard enough...stood there and watched it happen, and said I deserved it.
Im so stuck and feel like such a coward to call the police.
What do I do to stop living in guilt?