Got married at 17, got heavy soon after that, had trouble getting pregnant, took 11 years and invitro to have my daughter. Lost my dad in 92 to lung cancer (I was his caregiver), lost my mom on the same day we buried my dad in 96 to leukemia (she was in a nursing home and I was the only child around). My brother was found 6 weeks later, dead from a heartattack at the age of 40. Other than that my life was uneventful.
I've been married 25 years to the most sarcastic, negative person. I could never do anything good enough... not cleaning the bathroom, or washing the car or paying the bills. If I went to the store a certain way, I'd get "why didn't you go this way?". Back then I didn't realize the controlling that was going on, I was caught up in trying to get pregnant, and just living life. In 95 I got a great job as an office manager and it really made my self esteem grow, which caused great problems at home. I also found a best friend which didn't go over well either. All of our problems were blamed on her. I was staying at work until 8pm so I wouldn't have to come home and fight with him. He accused me and my girlfriend of having "something" going on together. Granted he was taking care of our daughter while I was working late but I stayed home with her and took care of her and my dad for 3 years before I went back to work. He didn't like this self esteem I had found. My boss appreciated the work I did, I got patted on the back and was made to feel "worthy". I left him in 2001 and was gone for about 9 months when he talked me into coming back. During this time I met someone that made me feel really special, who cared about me for who I was, even tho I was heavy he showed me how a person was supposed to be treated. I went back in 02 and we went to counselling. The counselor suggested he might have ADD and suggested medication. He wouldn't hear of it, didn't want to go back, who did that guy think he was, he wasn't going to be on drugs, he didn't have a problem. so counselling went nowhere. things got better for a while but went right back, maybe not quite as bad, but I, and at this time now, my daughter felt we couldn't do anything to please him. We could have always done better or different or tried harder. I was miserable and heavy and decided to have Gastric Bypass surgery in 2004. My sister had had it and done fine so I decided to do it, even tho he did not want me to have it. Our insurance didn't pay for it so I put it on a credit card and had it done. It was the best thing I ever did for me, the worst thing for our relationship! I went from almost 250lbs to 150lbs. Went from being diabetic to not. Even before I had the surgery I would get accused of doing things that I was not doing. By this time I realized it was his problem, caused by his parents, his mother is exactly the same way. So once I lost the weight he got even worse. I would go to the grocery store and he'd ask me who I was going to meet. I gave up all my friends in high school when we got married and he would tell me I needed friends. When I got them, then he didn't want me spending time with them so I went back to no friends again. We have grown apart so much. I moved out last October and am still out. Everytime he does something to me "I make him do it". There was never any physical abuse.... until I thought maybe we could work things out (once again, we just keep going back and forth, me hoping things will change, him being nice for a while, then BAM back to the mean and nastiness) So for our 25th anniversary, even tho we were separated, I arranged for us to go on a cruise, something we'd always wanted to do. We got along for the first couple days. he can't stand that I dress nice and want to look nice because for the longest time I was in a t-shirt and sweats or something to hide my body. Now I wear nice shirts and shorts or pants and he can't stand it. He'll notice guys looking at me when I don't even notice it. Back to the cruise, we spent a day in the bahamas so we went to this adult resort and got a day pass (I paid for the whole cruise myself). all you could eat and drink all day. We had both been drinking and had been in an arguement the nite before so we weren't exactly all lovey that day. Well about 3pm he had been decent for a while so I started joking around with him and he says "don't you be nice to me now!" and was getting all nasty... saying "next time I take a cruise it will be with someone that appreciates me!" he just kept saying that and all I could do was stand in the pool and cry. So I got out, went to the bathroom, decided I was leaving and going back to the boat. I left him his sea pass to get on the boat, money to take the bus back, his towel and clothes and I left. He caught up with me while I was waiting on the bus and came walking up to me calling me a "f&cking b*tch, you were going to leave me" I said no, I left you money and your pass to get back on the boat, if I was going to leave you stranded I wouldn't have done that. All the time I'm crying. Well he ended up slapping me across the face. We were on the same bus back to town. I got off the bus and went the wrong way and was walking the streets of Nassau until I finally asked someone and they directed me back the other way. I got to the dock, walked down to the ship and he was coming off the boat, he'd gotten a shower and was cleaned up. Started yelling at me about how he was worried about me, I said well if you saw I went the wrong way why didn't you stop me? He wanted money to go to the hard rock so I gave him some, somewhere in the conversation he slapped me again with people walking by and no one did anything. He went to the hard rock and bought me a shirt... WTF???? then came back and made me try it on. I got a shower and left, went and ate dinner and went shopping. The next day he apologized, said it was the alcohol. I said I'd been drinking and you didn't see me acting like that to you? He said he "didn't slap me that hard" I said I've never seen a cop ask "How hard did he hit you". No way could I have called the cops, in the bahamas I don't know what the laws are. Thats the first time he's ever touched me and on our anniversary cruise. Just last week I told him I was going down to my girlfriend's house and he said "where are you really going?", we've been friends since grade school and he knows her. She just got a divorce after 22 years and he thinks that why I'm hanging around her now. The truth is I got her a job working with me about 8 months ago and now we talk everyday, before that we stayed in contact but would go months without talking. I went to a bar to hear a band play for my birthday since he never asked me to do anything, went by myself, first time I've ever done that but I've decided even if I have to do things by myself I'm going to. I love meeting and talking to people. I work in an office by myself and never get to socialize with people so I enjoy it, especially now since I've lost all the weight. Last saturday nite I went to the same place to see a different local band play. I'm not a big drinker and I'm not a bar person but to see these bands, thats where they play. Well I asked him if he wanted to go, when I told him I couldn't pay for both of us he said no. He ended up coming in, I'm assuming to check up on me and I was walking out of the bathroom and I said "Hey, I'm sitting over here, come on over" The first words out of his mouth were "Where did you get that slutty shirt at?" I had a bra on, it wasn't low cut at all, straight across the top with wide straps on it (I have a big chest, can't wear skimpy things). I just looked at him. I said well I exchanged some of the clothes you bought me for my birthday and bought this so I guess you could say YOU bought it for me. And I went over and sat down. Yesterday he called me while I was out running errands for work and asked me if I was "out whorring around" He thought he was being cute but I didn't. Oh, and last week he was trying to pick a fight with me about me going to my girlfriend's house (that same nite) and I tried to come in the back door and he shoved me out the door because I wouldn't answer him.
The kicker for me is... and I know this sounds so stupid but I'm hoping you that have been thru this have experience with feeling like this.... He is a wonderful, caring, very affectionate, lovey dovey person. Then I tell myself, at what expense? I see him finding someone else, them getting all this loving attention and me sitting at home alone or finding only losers. He won't pay me child support because "I'm the one that decided to leave" so I'm struggling on my own until I decide to either file papers or go back, which I really don't want to do unless things change and I don't see that happening. His family dr. put him on anti-depressants and he took them until his prescrip was gone, now he won't refill them. My daughter who is almost 17 says he is bi-polar, one minute he's fine and the next minute he's so hateful. She has seen many of his tirades. He is a very controlling person but I still have that good side of him etched in my brain. Everything is always everyone elses fault, I make him say the things he says because of the things I do. How I deserved the comment in the bar the other I don't know and neither does he. (he knows he has problems just doesn't think they are bad) I asked him to go with me, he chose not to, then made that comment to me. I'm so confused I want to be happy in the worst way but there is something keeping me clinging to this man and I need to sort thru what it is and get on with my life, either with or without him. He wonders why I don't want to come over and spend time with him if I want to make things work and I try to explain to him I never know when he's going to go off on me (verbally, not physically, if he EVER touches me again, here at home, I will send his ass straight to jail) And his mother will say.... what did SHE do to you to make you do that....
I'm truly sorry this is so long but I felt I needed to tell the whole story, part of me loves him, I've been with him most of my life, we've been together for 30 years! Its like losing one of your family. since I had surgery I feel like I've finally found out who "I" am which I never knew since I was 17 when I got married. Any advice or help would be so much appreciated, I'm at the end of my rope here. My friends and family tell me to get out and I want to but there is so much "attachment" there and thinking about how wonderful he'd be "if he'd just stop treating me like that"
Thank you so much for reading this....
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