Support for daughter leaving a an abusive husband.

My daughter is Divorcing her Controlling, Emotionally and Financially Abusive Husband.

She was guilt ridden, made to feel neurotic, uneasy, fearful, she didn't know what she was doing. He made her a nervous wreck.
She wanted to be fair, do her best to make her marriage work.

His control freak nature, his paranoid attitude, his self-righteous BS, holier than thou attitude, his provoking, his condescension....HAS REALLY GOTTEN THE BEST OF HER!

She tried everything she could to get help.
She went to counseling, but he would only try to make it her FAULT.

He has condemned her to her child, told him she has not been a good mother. Made her to feel inadequate, less of a female, undeserving for almost 8 of years now.

She is now in the midst filing for a divorce. He has been harassing her with text messages, threats, lies, etc...

I hope and pray that she will be strong and she is not going to feel compassion or guilt. She is not going to give him the option to HAVE VOICE that she is not a good women.
She is a wonderful, warm, loving mother. She is too deserving to continue with this MISERY.
She deserves all legal matters, property, whatever she is entitled to. She's a nervous wreck, scared out of her wits, because he is trying to take her son away from her.

Now to the problem I'm having regarding all this horrible stuff happening to my daughter and grandson. My daughter has been so emotionally abused by this man and told that she is a terrible mother,
that a quiet comment to my grandson that he was rude at the dinner table, sent her into a fit that I was telling her how to discipline her child. She packed up everything and left.
She wouldn't stay and talk to me. She says she can't deal with it.
She put me in the same box with her hateful husband. Of course, that sent me reeling.

I need help and advice on how to handle this. He is driving a wedge between us that is so hurtful and real.
There are many awful things he has done or not done to hurt her and make her feel like a nothing.

How do I continue to be a Mom and Grammy when I'm afraid to say anything that might set her off?

I tell her all the time that I love her more than my life! I help her with anything she needs, if at all possible.

We desperately need a one on one talk, face to face, but her only time she can be with me is when she has her
allotted time with her son. What do I do?

Is there a different group for this subject?

Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

This sounds like a hurtful situation for all involved, and I'm truly sorry for it. There may be a few things to point out that might lend you some perspective. I'd ask that you understand this isn't intended as criticism, there's too much of that going on already.

The first thing is, of the 3 people involved, the only person's actions that you can control are your own. So that's where your focus needs to be. You can't control your daughter's decisions, or her husband's. There's no point in even trying. It's hard for a parent to accept that, as the first instinct is to protect your child. But as adults, their decisions are their own. The best you can do is try to provide an environment that encourages them to make good decisions for themselves. Not your decisions, their decisions. This is tough, I know.

So then, how can your actions support your daughter? You mentioned that the husband is driving a wedge between you. A wedge can't be driven unless there is a crack. So for you, sealing the crack should be job 1. There is no distance between you & your daughter if you are solid on the most important thing, which is her well-being, whatever she decides that to be. It sounds like you do want this and are able to provide the needed support. The thing that may be creating the crack is your desire to help her make the right decision, as you see it. I know that's well-intended, but it doesn't help. Your daughter has to reach her own decisions. You can help her best by supporting her unconditionally. You don't have to agree with every decision, but you do have to respect her right to make it, and not criticize it or hold your love for her hostage because of it.

Next thing is understanding the role of criticism in all this. When a person has been abused as your daughter has, the criticism becomes internalized. The person begins to criticize themselves, sometimes far more severely than the abuser ever did. That criticism will continue for years after the abuser is out of the picture. Right now, it's running continuously in your daughter's mind. To help her deal with that, you & your house have to be a criticism-free zone. She needs an example of being loved without criticism. You can provide that for her, but you have to put her needs ahead of yours. She may say or do things that have every fiber of your being wanting to correct it. But for now, at least, you need to park it. If you criticize, even in the most loving way, that puts you in the husband's camp, and since your daughter is already there too, due to self-criticism, it's three against zero. She can't handle that, she needs someone to stay in the loving camp, to hold out some hope. You can do that for her.

If you can find a way to do this, then what should happen is that your daughter will seek out your advice when she is uncertain, knowing that it comes from your love for her, and is free of criticism or recrimination or I-told-you-so's. If you give your advice unsolicited, it comes off as a form of criticism. If you let her talk to you about what she's feeling, and ask your opinion, there's a good chance you can have a positive influence.

Last thing is, even if you can't fulfill the role of correction right now, you can provide someone else who can, in the form of counseling or therapy. If your daughter doesn't already have access to this, it would be another way that you could help her.

So anyway, I hope this helps. I don't underestimate the difficulty for you of what I'm suggesting. Parents spend 20 years on the welfare of their children, you can't just turn that off. But you can maybe find other ways to express it, that are more helpful to them as adults.

Thank you! All, well said and very supportive. I will give it my best to follow your advice.