I'm new here and I need some help...

Thanks for reading this. I'm 38 years old and have been married for 15 years. I have 3 children and there is no doubt in my mind that I have been verbally abused. It has almost gotten physical. I left him once before and he shaped up for about 3 months until I got pregnant. He was gone all the time he picked on me about every little crumb on the floor. He scowled at me whenever I did anything for myself, he blamed my friends for our breakup. He wouldn't let me buy anything for myself yet he bought anything he wanted. He told me that when I make more money than him, I can buy what I want.

So I got fed up again and told him to leave, but he wouldn't. The problem now is that we are going to counseling and I really don't love him yet he thinks that if he just stops being verbally abusive I'll be happy and fall in love with him. The only reason I'm not leaving now is because I'm afraid of the repercussions from my family. The last time I left him, they took his side. They tried to convince me to get back together with him because he was suffering so badly. My mother is in a verbally abusive relationship herself and if she were to agree with me then she would have to look at her relationship.

Recently I've told him I don't love him and that I want to leave, yet it's like he doesn't hear me. It's like no one hears me. He just goes on with his day and then he asks me again if I want to work on things. I tell him no and then the next day he asks me again. He really has shaped up but the abuse was so bad that I really don't think I could love someone like that. He controlled every aspect of my life and it didn't bother him that our marriage was completely inequitable. It was fine with him if I had to stay home every Saturday while he got to go out with his friends. When I asked him if he would watch the kids he just laughed at me. So I "never" ever left him with the kids so I could do something for myself. I think it kind of snapped something inside me because I really don't feel any love for him, even though I know I should try to work it out as he is making an effort.

Am I a bad person to not want to work it out? And what about my family who thinks that he's the greatest guy in the world and now that he's being nice I should be nice to him. I have one friend in this universe whom I've been in contact with recently but I don't think I can go through with a divorce, I just have no support whatsoever, and I've got Dr. Laura guilt out the ying yang. I used to be practically a discipile of her following and to divorce your husband would be only adding to the deliquency of your children as your kids are sure to be criminals if you get divorced.

Just so you know, the worst thing he ever did to me was to dangle a hairdryer over the bathtub while I was still in it. He laughed at me when I jumped out of the tub in utter fear. He now acknowledges that that was kin to holding a gun to my head, but does that mean I have to forgive and forget and give him yet a third chance? I don't want to but I feel like I'm up against all of society.

Thanks for listening.

Thank you so much for the support. I've got so little right now it's scary. I've finally made the decision to start moving toward's getting out, the really hard thing right now is pretending that everything's ok with us so he doesn't go into his anxiety ridden- wake me up 5 or 6 times a night, "do you still love me" speil. I have tried to tell him I want a divorce and all he does is ignore me and then ask me 1 hour later if I still love him and am I just cranky. I've read up on this and the only way I can get out is to just leave and not tell him. I really hate doing this but a loving supportive partner would accept the fact that I need some space and let me venture on my own to discover whether or not this is the right thing to do.

If you love something set it free. We work together and I've worked up the gumption to post my job and I've set up some interviews. When I told my mother she asked if this is what my husband wanted and I told her no. She rolled her eyes and just said "oh (my name)" The couselor advised me not to make any decisions about my relationship at this time as I'm going through a grieving period. Now my biggest fear is that even she can not see that I really need to get out! So I figure, once I get someone to replace me, I'll find a house, get some furniture and move. But next week I'm going to make that call to the lawyer. I've talked to my best friend, and she agrees with me that he's made some of the big changes on the outside, but still on the inside he doesn't get it.

In counseling I told my husband that I needed to take a walk on weekends, (mostly just to get away from his needyness for an hour) and he said that I had plenty of time during the week to do that. I backed down and agreed with him without even realizing it, I was slipping back. The counselor made me restate that as a need and my husband backed down and agreed to let me do that. Now when I go for that walk, he gets teary-eyed and needs to hug and kiss me goodbye before I go. ARGHHHHH!!!!! I realize this is extremely minor, but this is where it all begins again. Him not respecting my needs and me thinking it's ok.

So I know in my heart of hearts, this will not get better. Even if it does, I know in my heart of hearts that I do not love him nor do I want the opportunity to love an a**hole. I deserve to have an opinion. I deserve to have my own life if I want it. Even if I never marry again, I know I'll be happier than I am now.

Liesa,

I sent you a PM.

Crazywoman

I dont think Dr Laura has a CLUE about Verbal and Emotional Abuse.

Has anyone visited this site, by another Dr...who KNOWS...

http://drirene.com


A very comphrehensive look at Verbal and Emotional Abuse, with forums....