father abuse, anger towards mother. Endless cycle

As long as i can remember my father has always insulted me.

I can look back and remember the rigirous process i would go through for getting ready for high school every morning. Finally i would finish and feel confident enough to start to head towards the front door to head to school, but i was almost always followed by my father shouting something behind me such as "aren't you going to brush or do anything with that hair"? This always hurt like a bitch because I had curly ringlettes (which i've always hated) that I would mostly always straighten to try and "fit in", but on the odd occasion when i tried to accept myself for who i was or I just didnt have time, he would always make sure that i knew that he noticed.

10 years or so later i suffer from borderline personality disorder, anxiety, panic attacks, and depression.
Everyday of my life seems to be an on-going stuggle, so recently i decided to email my mother and confront her on the effects that my childhood has had on me into my adult life.

She never replied to the email. At all.

I even made mention for the firt time ever to my parents about a very serious suicide attempt i went through with..

She always does this. She tries to pretend that nothing ever happend. And this greatly angers me.

At times (majority) I seem to have the most anger towards her because she never once told my father to stop bullying both myself and my brother.

Yet, despite all this im stuck in a cycle of abuse i can't seem to break whatsoever! I still work for my father (big mistake) and regularily accept my parents dinner invites (bigger mistake).

I've honestly been emotionally abused for so long that i almost feel a sense of disconnection from everyone and everything else.
I almost have no idea what a "normal" and healthy relationship should feel like.

Can anybody relate to any of this?

Hi kajagirl, Funny you should ask. I can. I do not know how old you are but since you mentioned they invite you to dinner, sounds like you do not live with them. That is a plus. You would be surprised how this could possibly effect your whole life. I am almost 62 and it still hurts. In fact I have not spoken to my mother in over a month. She is now 88 and as you can imagine, she has her own health problems as she uses a walker and can no longer leave the house. I feel bad for her but I cannot blame her age as she was always bitter towards me my whole life. Since I am not talking to her and she does not have a computer, she is sending letters to me. Her letters are making matters worse as she is blaming everyone and everything but herself as to why I am not talking to her. She has selective memory and it seems she can say anything as nasty as she wants but no one can dispute it. I was abused by her growing up and after I married at 17 and moved out she was orally abusive. My father was an alcoholic and also abusive. He died alone in the 80's as they separated. The biggest thing to cope with in my case is I am a good hearted person. I am not perfect and I have made many mistakes in life but my intensions were never evil. I was called every evil word in the book by her when I was younger. I had 2 other siblings but I was the whipping boy. As I got older I thought maybe since she had so much stress she needed the outlet and I was that outlet. I forgave her and tried to establish a new relationship. I even counseled her from time to time trying to turn all her negative thoughts into positive ones. I listened to all her complaints and did whatever I could to make life better, No matter what I tried to say or do she never appreciated it. The last mishap was it for me. She lied about something and when I tried to correct her she went hysterical which she does all the time when she does not get her way and I hung up on her. I know this does not sound like a big deal but picture this all of your life. Anyway, my advice to you is to be your own person. Be who you are meant to be and don't let anyone steal away who you are. If they do not like it, too bad. If you have to end the relationship for a time, do it. If they do not see they have the problem, too bad for them. You also have to develop a thick skin. Don't let what they say demean you. Don't let it sink into your heart. You are probably younger then me. I do not mean for you to disrespect them as they still are your parents but why should this affect your whole life. I never received any affection from either of them but when I became a mother I made sure I loaded my children with love, tenderness and affection as I made up my mind, the abuse stops with me. I hope this was helpful. Hang in there.