can i get some advice from victims of emotional abuse

Ok here is the story. a few weeks ago my wife of 10 years and i had some problems. at her request i set up a counseling session and in that counseling session i realized i was passive agressive. that was a week ago. so last week i tried to work things out. i moved out of the house and into the camper in the back yard to give her space. we go to counseling this week and she describes what i did last week. (i thought i was making headway in not controlling) and the counseler showed me a chart that scared the living daylights out of me. I matched ever form of emotional domestic violence. i made it worse. so now i try not to say anything to her at all because i'm afraid of making it worse. I love my wife dearly. I had never realized i was doing any of this. Now she says that she still loves me but doesn't know if the merriage will work. she is doing a lot of thinking. I know the decision is hers but i have never been the victim so i was hoping to hear from some of the victims what they think i should do. we have 2 boys and i know i have now taught this to them and have to teach them to change. Her dad did the same thing to her mom when she was a kid and i always thought i was giving her a better merriage than that. I feel terrible. We still have dinner as a family and we had a family game night last night. I have a journal that i write everything in. i have decided to stay in the camper untill i know i have it under control or changed. but i want to hear what people think. Thank you.

hi, i can not imagine how you must feel. this is difficult for me, because i have been at the other end. when my husband after so many years accepted that things were wrong, he moved out. we said we would see each other again and see how to go further.
the months away from him i realised that i was like a shattered mirror, i did not know who i was anymore. it took me months if not years to bring the pieces together.
he asked me several time, excuses, but i never went back.
i remained totally open for him to be present in the life of our children but not in mine.

there is a kind of love that hurt us....and even if we love the person, is better to close that door and move on....you know, there are people that bring the best in ons, and there are other that don't. And you can not control this, it happens or it doesn't.

after so many years, almost ten, he comes to eat with us once in a while, we can laugh, and i still recognize the things why i felt in love with him, but if i want to live with him again? no.
sorry

The fact that you're feeling remorse and want to gain some understanding of what it feels like to be the victim of abuse is a sign that on some level you're prepared to take responsibility for yourself and that, with help, you can begin to feel empathy for your wife.

With the right kind of therapy, perhaps you can gain some understanding of your own past issues that may have contributed to your present ways of thinking, reacting, and understanding. Being aware of any past issues that may have had an impact can enable you to make real changes from within.

Giving your wife space at the moment is a good idea. Your marriage may or may not work out in the future, but it's important that you continue with the therapy, no matter what the outcome of your marriage is. This can help you to challenge any false beliefs that you may have incurred in the past that contribute to your attitudes today. Your therapist may ask you to examine what the relationship between your parents was like and if any kind of a pattern has occurred. Having some kind of understanding of yourself and your beliefs is just as important as having an empathetic understanding of what it's like to be the victim of abuse. Only by truly understanding ourselves can we gain some kind of understanding of others. Through self awareness, it can be possible to gain true empathy of others.

I have been a victim of verbal and emotional abuse, both from my father and various partners. It had a huge impact on my sense of self esteem, identity, and ability to relate in a healthy way to others. It had long lasting consequences for me and I developed a personality disorder as a result. Through therapy I learnt healthier ways of expression and was able to develop healthy levels of self esteem and self awareness.

Perhaps the biggest thing a person can do for a partner is to recognise them as a person in their own right, who is entitled to have their own differing views and opinions, who is entitled to autonomy and who deserves to be treated as an equal - not idealized and subsequently devalued, and not put on an impossibly high pedestal. A partner should not be expected to be perfect, and they should be entitled to make their own mistakes.

What Masquerade says brings me to something i have been wanting to add to my message, and that is: that i was already broken when i met my husband.
I grew up with an alcoholic father, and for 15 years we had a pretty disfunctional family. Although things eventually changed for the better, i was pretty messed up.

almost 15 years later i met the person with whom i would marry....not all of it, is his fault, i already had a heavy luggage on my shoulders, who just became heavier with our misunderstandings and silences.
your wife will also have to confront her own shadows within, whenever she is ready for it.

i have to tell you, that even though our childhood had some really painful and scary moments,
when i was 15 my father went to AA and stopped drinking, he had already tried several times without success. He stopped for good and from that moment on and he became the best father he could be...(my nightmares began later...the past send you a facture eventually) but my dad went from good to better. He died just five years ago. I was able to enjoy him at his best for many many years. His character changed in the last ten years of his life from A to Z. once he told me that there was so much violence within him that he was afraid one of us would inherit it (i did...like an anger that is present before you were born). he changed so much, during his last years after pretty hefty health problems,
his humility, sense of humor and patience left behind an atmosphere of forgiveness, reconciliation and love.
my brothers and sisters (7) are still dealing with our phantoms, yet his example left us the message that you can always stand up after falling down, that there is always place for change, to become a better person.
i wish you well!!