What I realised today...

I realised today that I'm currently in a abusive relationship that I do not know how to escape. I'm 24 years old and still living with my parents (depressing I know). I lived on my own for a while but after my landlady threw me out I was forced to move back to my parents house.

My mother is a music teacher and my father is a accountant. The problem is that I sometimes suspect that I'm a convenient punching bag for my parents. I have studied music theory for almost three years now. Although I do not consider myself a expert I do now possess a modicum of skills in the subject. Yet through all these studies my mother still never acknowledges me in any way or form. I sometimes wonder if my mother considers it a matter of principle to always do the opposite of what I ask or tell her. I do realise that to constantly seek the approval of your mother opens you up to all sorts of abuse. This realisation still does not make the need go away

My father has a temper. He explodes at the drop of a hat. He yells, he swears and he makes scenes. He is over 50 years old, yet still throws temper tantrums that resembles the children my mother teaches. He constantly belittles my mother for not making more money yet he is in a dead end and low paying job that he makes no effort to escape from. I'm privy to front row seats to see everyday how my mother is working herself into a early grave. In the end for a reason I do not totally comprehend or understand I still desperately crave the approval of my mother.

My father smokes the vilest of illegal cigarettes. Every monday I'm awoken to the most horrendous of migraines that I get from his weekend of smoke. I saw how my grandfather slowly dwindled at the hands of those goddamm cancer sticks, but my father is so selfish he cannot even envisage that his family might want him around and that they may appreciate him not going out of his way to die early.

I work part time at my mothers outreach programs. It does not pay anything but it at least is some positive contribution to society. I really thought when I started working I would gain the respect of my mother, but alas it was not the case.

I know I should leave my common sense tells me this but still I 'm afraid to leave. In the end I do not want any sympathy I'm just wondering if I can do something to improve my personal life.

Thank you

Please speak to a therapist so that you can feel heard, and express your feelings. The environment that you're in sounds unhealthy and toxic and it can wear you down eventually. Speaking to a therapist can help you to regain a sense of control over your life, which can enable you to make the changes necessary to move out of this environment.