Mothers who emotionally abuse their sons

Hello all,

I've just joined this forum today as I've reached a point where I need to break out of this cycle of the effects of the aftermath of my childhood abuse from my mother. I hope I cant vent and get something of my chest.

I'm a 40 year old male, and feel I have this permanent storm cloud over me from the abuse I underwent growing up. I have social anxiety and generally don't hold myself in very high worth.

Lately I find myself obsessing over the abuse, replaying incidents, but mostly having fictional conversations with my mother in my head where I'm explaining the extent of the abuse and hurt. Perhaps I always have done but it's been quite prolific of late.

Now that I type that here, I honestly don't know why I have those conversations in my head, or rather, what I expect to achieve by doing so. Do I want her to know how I feel? Yes. I guess that's it.

I have tried bringing it up in the past with her, always by writing (as I get used to get flustered in conversations about this stuff with her - she is an expert in making people seem stupid, nad then you're dismissed), and she has flatly refused to have any discourse on the subject, writing back things like "F' off" (any perceived criticism of any sort sends her into a rage), or most recently, "you have mental problems - get help" which I found extremely callous.
My reading tells me this a standard textbook response when abusers are confronted.
By the way, all discussion of the subject was by email, as I live abroad now from my hometown and we barely speak. A few words once a week by email.
Bringing it up in person would result in a massive escalation of viciousness - standard tactic if anyone tries to discuss her abhorrent treatment of people so as they will think twice before ever doing it again and if you insist on being heard, the next step will be to fall in a heap and claim she's a victim being attacked - all tactics designed to confuse the subject and make sure her behavior is never discussed or brought to light.

I'm going to outline some of what went on, as right now I just want it out of my head, and I'm hoping this will help.
BTW, I do have an older sister who also suffered, but not as much. I'll use 'I" or "me" and speak only for my self here. My sister acknowledges that it was horrific and we speak from time to time on the subject. Se tolerates her as she has three kids of her own and doesn't want to cut her off from her grand kids, but says she could easily cease contact tomorrow if circumstances could allow.

So here goes: My mother was (is?) an extremely angry abusive rage filled person. She is the type who does not stop in destroying anyone who angered her. I mean really ripping shreds of them from a clerk in a store to the people around her. She seethes of the littlest things, often stewing for days or weeks untill she gets her revenge. It's not uncommon for her to get angry at a jar if she's unable to get the lid off. swearing at it as though it's conspiring against her, for example.
I would also say she is obsessed with abuse.

She had a poor relationship with her mother (which we all had to hear relentlessly about for years), abuses alcohol, is on strong psychotropic medication, and mental ill-health seemed quite common in her family, incl. a schizophrenic brother.

My father who is a good man, a little distant, but no-one's perfect, had to leave her eventually, (Divorced when I was 3) as her rage and obsession with destroying everyone around her became to much for him. He provided significant financial support thereafter, which she spent on herself and setting herself up financially, mainly a house that went up 10 x in value, setting her up financially. Clothes and food were scarce growing up, but there was always a full liquor cabinet.

My father and I only recently discussed this for the first time last Christmas 2015.

Ironically, she worked for the gov. in child protection, read countless books on the subject of abuse, even making me read passages, and even acted out parts of her books, and would duscuss abuse cases from her work, and the subject in general relentlessly.
She also developed a deep hatred (fear??) of men which manifested its self in extreme aggression towards them, for some reason masculinity would set her off like an attack dog, often screaming at tradesmen who entered the house to do a job or such, and she would rage at men in public in general, including myself if I displayed any masculinity as I grew up. She would also rip shreds of my friends if they came to the house and displayed masculine traits. I was always mortified with embarrassment by this.
There was a grim satisfaction in all this for her. They way a bully observes his handiwork and smiles.

She claimed to be gay when I was about age 10, and worked hard to try and make me gay too, as again, she couldn't stand to be around masculinity, and didn't want me being so. This included taking me to gay events and encouraging contact with gay men and so forth.
I dressed up in my sister's clothes one day at about age 10, of my own volition (I don't know why) and she was over the moon, even taking photos, which were proudly displayed for years after. It wasn't till I was 16 and said I didn't want to see them anymore did she hide them.

Wow. As I write this I'm seeing just how horrific the abuse was. I don't know why I've listed a few examples, as there are 100's and 100's and I guess I could write pages of accounts of abuse, but not sure this forum is for recounting abusive acts as such.

I'll try to sum it up as being the victim of an extremely angry, unhinged, vicious, mean alcoholic with a chip on her shoulder the size of Ayers rock, hell-bent on making everyone pay and destroying anything and everything around her.

I had great trouble settling at school, always restless and my attention span was very short, I guess what they'd call ADHD nowadays, and I was always in trouble, and doing #######5 things, like stealing from other kids, etc and engaging in behavior that was generally destructive, and that sort of acting out type behaviour.

I continued to be somewhat manic and generally uncentered well into adult hood, and didn't come to grips with it until I began meditating an hour every day at age 37, and after 18 months I learned to spot the mania, and step out of it and calm down. Not completely. but I'm a far calmer person.
I believe this mental hyperactivity was a survival mechanism to stay ahead of the horrific pain and sadness I felt.

I self medicated with marijuana for a very long time. It's my opinion that there can be health benefits to this particular substance, but I would smoke it to the point of obliteration, which is definitely NOT healthy. Especially if there's a history of depression of mental illness in the family.

So now I'm 40, no longer running at 1,000 miles per hour to stay ahead of the reality of what happened, and all of the abuse is on my mind more than ever, and I believe that as I learn to stop being so manic and trying to gloss over what is a very deep pain, it has come to the surface and wants to be dealt with.

I want her to stop negatively effecting my life even though we are 8,000 km apart and have almost no contact.

(I thought I would feel a weight lifted after writing this, but I feel really #######5. No wonder i suppressed it for so long.)

Wow. I don't know the name for your type of mother, there probably is not one but I know the type.

hates the father

sees the father in the son and punishes him because she can no longer punish the father

self centered

Narcissistic

often highly intelligent, or of the opinion they are smarter than those around them

accomplishes very little in their own life, (like career, personal success)

What else you described in trying to discuss this with her, I am not sure there is any benefit in that, it very seldom brings any peace of mind.

I think actually putting it down on paper, is a good thing.

I think understanding what happened how it damages self esteem, makes us vulnerable sets us up often to fail or be taken advantage of, is a really good thing. Knowing that helps us deal with it. Lets us analyze why stuff happened and helps us deal with it going forward.

Rgds Terry

I was physically abused by my father, he has passed on now and i am 34 years of age. I live with my mother because i am diagnosed with schizophrenia. Lately i have found out i am not schizophrenic, but i was just misdiagnosed. Mainly cause my mother wanted a professional opinion why i acted so crazy when i was 20. She didnt know i was on cocain. fast forward 15 years, my life has passed me by. I'm 34 my fathers dead, and im left with my mother. The reason i think she abuses me is cause, she says things like " you quit doing drugs for the wrong reason(i quit speed for her)" maybe you should quit doing drugs for your self". One example. Now ive been a drug attic for over half my life. I feel a void and i need to feed it. Only recently was i able to stop meth and all forms of meth, being ritalin adderal vivance dexatrine concerta. BTW if your on any of these , stop unless you want to die a horrible death!
I am clean now, aside from drinking alcohol on weekends, which i know is still bad. OK that being said. My father was a horrible alcoholic, and drug attic. he only was sober 1 and a half year before he died. My mother tells me im not going to live with an alcoholic again (meaning me). This hurts a lot, thinking that she relates me to being as bad as my father. Religion was forced on me my whole life. My father beat me in the name of Christ, and to prove it he would quote the scripture " Spare the rod and spoil the child". I dont know what im looking for anymore. I confronted my mother tonight, saying i dont want to believe in christ anymore, and we had a talk about how im a drunk and
shes not going to take abuse from me anymore. I always want to make my mother happy, ive never laid an ill hand on a woman. Even though ive spent time in jail for it, ive never struck a woman. I dont know what im looking for, i dont know what to do, Ive been sexualy abused, ive been physicaly abused, ive been mentaly abused. I guess im looking for answers in a forum bord were people have been abused. Ive been abused my whole life by my father my sister my mother. I want hope

I am sorry you are here, but glad you have reached out.

Firstly life has not passed you by. Sure a large part has gone and so have some options. But if you had taken those routes then other routes that may now be open to you would have forever remained closed.

My entire life has been a series of "things" that keep me busy, kept my mind off my life. Each contained some great experiences, and then I seem to move onto the next.

My mother used the "spare the rod"quote as well. I can also remember the worst one was "physical suffering shall fade from mind". We seemed to get this after we were stripped naked and beaten with a rod. Beaten until we broke. Funny back they now know it is the exact opposite. Such trauma is never forgotten.

I think as a child abuse survivor the biggest issue is self esteem. I have found the best way to fix it, is to start working on improving me. My health, my mind, my memory, my understanding of why I am the way I am. It gives you pride, and takes you out of, the why me, we sometimes visit.

The other thing is find something in your life that gives you joy. Music, sports, physical activity.

Got to go now. let me know how you are doing.

Everything said here makes absolute sense. It's hard for me to deal with the fact that I, as a son, have an abusive mother. And it's so taboo to even consider the notion. I went above and beyond for years (28 years to be exact) in order to earn acceptance from my mother, and it never worked and always lead to complete failure, loneliness and misery. But again, "mother knows what's best for her son", so it's hard to even speak out or get help. And for me, "best for her son" meant teaching me that my feelings didn't matter, constantly saying the phrase "it's not all about you" at any opportunity that she saw fit to do so, always making sure that I knew it was "better to be alone than to follow a crowd in the wrong direction" (which she often used to get me to reject any and all friends I may have had throughout the years because according to her, everyone who didn't meet her ridiculous standards was part of the "wrong" crowd), and always reminding me that a good son will always go to great lengths to earn love from their mother. Again, as you said, motherhood=sainthood, so I did all that. And I have suffered dearly for it.

To shed light on my situation, my mother is a very violent person and constantly thinks about violence. For as long as I can remember, violence was the only thing that she studied or focused on from the moment she woke up to the minute she went to bed at night. And thus, in order for me to be a "good" son, I had to live a life of violence in order to earn her approval. And according to her, I have no choice but to live the life she wants me to live. Now, the violence I am talking about was always framed as being "righteous" because it involved self-defense, particularly women's self defense - so I can see the actual righteousness behind this framing. But she deliberately rejected any healthier forms of physical combat training, such as boxing, kung fu, or any other form of martial art, and focused solely on real-world, life-or-death, blood-soaked street violence and demanded that I become involved with being a self-defense instructor (like she wants to be). Although I agree that people, particularly women, should take an occasional self-defense class or two, I do not want to live a life that's centered around violence, regardless if it's "right" or "wrong". But my mother always, always, always thinks about violence - and I believe she's got some serious psychological problems because of it. And that's the mentality I was surrounded with from a very young age (probably about 8 years old).

I am an exhausted son and I recently had to go no-contact with my mom once I started counseling and starting seeing the reality behind this horror. And the thing with violence is: whether right or wrong, it leaves a mark. It's a brand that sticks, and it never heals. I have PTSD and an attachment disorder (which comes from my mother purposefully neglecting me as an infant because she wanted me to be "independent" and "tough"... because she believed that babying me [i.e. holding me, hugging me, smiling at me, cuddling me, or saying anything positive or nurturing me in any way] would make me "weak" and "unworthy" of living up to her tough-guy image or herself that she always wanted to project). I am 30 years old and exhausted.

Please know that you're not alone. In fact, I find a sense of hope and relief in knowing that there are other sons out in the world like me, and I find it does help to know that I'm actually not alone.

@sawtoothwolvie,
I'm so glad to hear you're getting therapy. I'm pretty much in a no contact way with my mom. For Thanksgiving, I don't want her here. I will not play the "I'm trying to be nice." game and only make myself miserable. She and I don't talk and I like it this way.

I'm really sorry about the attachment disorder. I've read about it and I know a little bit about it. I will share that when my kids were babies, all 2 1/2 to 3 years apart, all 3 of them would sleep with mom and dad. Dad would rather sleep on the couch or in another room than make our kids move. My oldest was 7 till she got her own bed and room. No kidding. I read a lot of books about parenting and I hung out with moms of young children and got a lot of good advice along the way.

Sending hugs if wanted.

sawtoothwolvie wrote:
And it's so taboo to even consider the notion.


To shed light on my situation, my mother is a very violent person and constantly thinks about violence.

Research has the split at close to 50/50, but say that and you may as well tell people mother Teresa was a hooker.