Mothers who emotionally abuse their sons

by **RiseAbove87** » Mon Apr 27, 2015 4:20 am

Feel for all of you who suffered abuse. I would like to share my story.

From a very, very early age, I was physically, emotionally, and verbally abused by my mother. I had 5 other siblings and most of them were abused as well, but I believe I got it the worst.

Over the years I have done extensive research on psychology and how things like this can rewire the brain of the abused child. It is a shame when something like this happens because it can and usually does turn the victims lives upside down.

It has severely damaged my ability to be intimate with women. I am a handsome, confident man and I'm 27 years old, however I have pretty much avoided intimacy with women. I have also become sort of a recluse and keep to myself for the most part. Subconsciously I don't want to get involved with any woman because I'm already programmed to expect the worst. A man's first love is his mother, and when that trust is broken, it causes extreme heart break.

I'm going to put in a lot of effort in coming years to be more open to relationships and intimacy with women... these types of things happen and while there are certainly some chemical changes in the brain that most likely can never be changed, being aware of psychological effects and how the subconscious mind works is a big move in the right direction.

33% of abusive parents (I think this is for physical abuse) were abused by their parents. This was the case with my mother as well. She's certainly on the narcissistic side and was definitely wrong, but people do make mistakes. I still love my mother, but there's still some hate/anger inside as well. The worst part is how it makes it a lot harder to have successful relationships, but I'm a strong person and if anyone can overcome all of this, it's me. I wish you all the best.... and remember life is short... it's up to you to make the best of it no matter what cards you were dealt. Take care.

edgeyy66 wrote:This is one of the few places I have found people talking about men with abusive mothers - I'm sure it's common, but we are taught to suck it up and get to work. My mother physically abused my when I was 4 - 7. When I asked her why me and not my sisters she says it's because I was more difficult. I wasn't smacked in the head for anything I did - it was just her own frustration. I didn't even remember being hit until my 30s. Even though she stopped hitting me she still has violent outbursts and raises her hand as if to strike me.

I've made a lot of bad choices in my life including addiction and other self destructive behaviour and I take full responsibility for this. I've also had many successes and overcome my violent abusive upbringing. I've been clean and sober for 18 of the last 20 years - I had a relapse after 12 years but am back again now with 3 years. I got my degree and have had some great professional success as well. I have three healthy daughters and a loving wife who supports me. Our home is full of laughter and happiness.

But in spite of all my successes I am unable to find peace in my relationship with my Mother and, by extension, most of my family of origin. I accept she did the best she could at the time but I am still triggered by her constant criticism and violent outbursts. I see that we trigger each others pain. But no matter how many facts and outside confirming opinions I present She won't accept the role she plays in our dysfunctional relationship. She can only see my faults and only accepts that I have to change my behaviour. I've been stuck in this hell for 20 years because I am unable to rise above her behaviour and keep getting drawn into the vortex of pain and anger that we both feed off.

About two years ago I made the decision to withdraw from the relationship completely. I've been grieving this since and have come to a level of acceptance - but it's hard because I am now effectively an orphan. It's hard also because there's not a lot of support for men in my situation. If the roles were reversed (a father physically abusing a daughter) - it would be clear victim blaming and ongoing abuse. But I am riddled with self doubt and insecurity about my situation.

Today I choose to focus on the people who love and respect me and feed those relationships - not the ones that are causes of pain and abuse. It is a struggle but I can be free from it in the moment when I remember to breathe and be present. I would appreciate any comments from those who are having the same struggles I am.

Sounds like you'll be alright and I'm happy to hear you have a happy family of your own! That's as good as it gets...*mod edit* .... If you think you really need to completely distance yourself from your mother, then that's your decision. My oldest sister decided to take this route and doesn't even let her children see my mother. I tend to think she will regret this in the end. Personally I live in a different country now and don't have to see my mother very often anyways so it's easy for me to not have to go to such an extreme of blocking her out completely. I still talk to her once a month or something like that and visit home once or twice a year. I have confronted my mother about everything many times and have told her that she has basically made my life a living hell and has made it very hard for me to have relationships with women and not expect them to be just like her -- abusive, etc.

One more thing-- about the self destructive behavior... this is something that's really destroying my life. When a child is abused there's a certain chemical change in the brain and self destructive behavior becomes a big problem. That part of the brain gets rewired and I don't think it can ever be changed. We still need to take responsibility for our own actions and have to do our best -- but we're likely to always be defective in that respect. Wish you the best!

by **Forever Alone** » Sun Aug 02, 2015 1:50 pm

I can feel you beacause i have undergone a tramatic childhood due to cruel nature of my mother. My mother would often beat me mercilessly and humilite me before others. She has killed my confidence, esteem and intelligence. In face she has completely ruined my life by marrying me to a illitereate, qurallsome and ugly women.

by **Terry E.** » Mon Aug 03, 2015 9:46 pm

RiseAbove87 wrote:
One more thing-- about the self destructive behavior... this is something that's really destroying my life. When a child is abused there's a certain chemical change in the brain and self destructive behavior becomes a big problem. That part of the brain gets rewired and I don't think it can ever be changed. We still need to take responsibility for our own actions and have to do our best -- but we're likely to always be defective in that respect. Wish you the best!

[/quote]

Yeah I am off to a workshop on 22 August, where I am hoping this is covered plus strategies to cope. I am aware that our fight/flight/freeze response was modified. We over react to certain cues (mine is loud unexpected noises) but don't react appropriately to life threatening incidents. It can get you killed (almost did me in during a robbery) .

Back when I had my first therapy it was all about taking out my young life and talking about it. Was one of the most traumatic moments of my life since I left home. They now realise this is garbage, but I am interested at what they are now coming up with. (the workshop is run by qualified people but among them are survivors as well) .

All I know is healing my inner child, forgiving my abuser and sitting round in a circle singing kum-by-yah does not cut it.

by **Terry E.** » Mon Aug 03, 2015 9:51 pm

Forever Alone wrote:I can feel you because I have undergone a traumatic childhood due to cruel nature of my mother. My mother would often beat me mercilessly and humiliate me before others. She has killed my confidence, esteem and intelligence. In face she has completely ruined my life by marrying me to a illiterate, quarrelsome and ugly women.

I was lucky my wife has helped me. has not been smooth sailing as she had an abusive dad and we have had some real moments, but overall luckier than I would have expected .

I feel for you though, as you say sabotaged from birth never really had a chance. You never know what your life could have been like.

I hope you find some joy and love somewhere sometime.

by **phinelinda** » Sun Nov 15, 2015 1:10 pm

I was reading this and I thought that I had to put in the information from the vast research I have done on this for the past year or more because of the emotional abuse my wife is putting my 5 year old (then 4 year old) son through.

To all of you who really want to heal from these dangerous parents, please look up narcissistic personality disorder and histrionic personality disorder. Do some more research on the subject on your own and you will find a LOT of answers. And yes, most of the abuse from the female side will almost be genetic and shall be abuse / abandonment over a period of 3-4 generations.

Furthermore, all of you who have had narc parents ( I am really sorry you did ) and are facing trust issues with women and the likes, would automatically suffer from codependency or inverted narcissism. Look up the works of "Sam Vaknin" in this regard.

I wish you guys all the best and I am doing my best to save my son in the meanwhile. He's already become a recluse and shows signs of aggression. I am indeed a very, very sad father.

by **seabreezeblue** » Sun Nov 15, 2015 5:07 pm

Hi and welcome phinelinda..

You're clearly in a really difficult situation and i can only hope that your son pulls through this okay - with enough support and a stable parent.. some of the children living with abusive parents can end up without too many issues.

I do want to mention that while you've clearly done plenty of research.. Sam Vaknin is good at unpicking his own mind and he's really moved research on the subject forwards, I do just want to mention that not all of his theories should be taken as fact (you only have to read his articles on aspergers to understand that his work has major flaws in places)
While it is true that many ACONS and children of people with other personality disorders will end up developing inverted narcissism or co-dependency - not all of us do.
We all have trauma issues and i'd go as far as saying that we all have trust issues but many of us can break free and step outside of the roles that were forced upon us.. just takes time to unpick xx

by **Terry E.** » Mon Nov 16, 2015 1:43 am

Phin, thanks for that, knowledge is power.

I suggest also looking up resilience factor.

My brother and I endured some appalling physical and emotional abuse.

My brother is a very scary wreck. Very, very scary. Where as I am looked upon as a success in business and life. The difference is I had an intervention at 16. Someone made an effort to make a difference. It raised my "resilience factors".

It is amazing how important one person can be.

Don't discount what you can do.

It is going to hurt watching and many men cut away and start a new life, where "they" can be happy, but I assure you that you can make a huge difference.

by **Ridnamatimoya** » Mon Jan 04, 2016 3:43 am

I was, and still am, a victim of emotional abuse from my mother, who I'm certain has some form of undiagnosed mental disorder.

My mother has had freak-outs and breakdowns as long as I can remember.

From what I understand, mental illness has ran down the female side of that family at least as far back as my grandmother's grandmother.

Grandma's grandma was abusive to grandma, grandma's mom abandoned her kids at a bus stop,
grandma tried to kill herself at least 3 times, my mother has her freakouts, and my sister is beginning to display these tendencies to freak out too. 5 generations of this.

wetting the bed, when I was 7 years old,

how can a man hate his mother, love her while I still have her, etc.
It's like nobody understands this at all.

Please tell me I'm not alone here.

You're not alone. I had a mother just like you.
Desperation caused me to begin investigating the generational thing, Grandmother to Mother to Daughter and started wondering if this is mental illness happening down the female side of my family. After doing extensive research< I began to understand that it wasn't mental illness but a vicious bacteria infecting generations through the placenta. I discovered that our family has been plagued by "Congenital Lyme". The Bartonella was likely the one responsible for my Mother's Rages and Freak Outs, for my bed wetting till age 8 and a number of crazy unrelated health symptoms. I finally found the Lyme disease site called ILADS and followed their recommendations as to where to be tested. Sure enough. I'm infected. I was infected at birth. My Mother was really sick and today I understand her and love her. My Mother suffered from Lyme Neuroborreliosis. She's gone now but I wish I could have known this information sooner so I could have helped her and also helped myself from the abuse I endured.

Anyway, that's my story.

by **jlsrbl** » Tue Jan 05, 2016 5:08 pm

I'm glad this post is here, and I can relate to everyone's story.

Over the holidays, I got to really connect with my sister, who is similarly suffering. Similar in that she is feeling pain, not that she has similar issues and disorders as me. However, her suffering is drawn from the same well as mine: our mother.

Our mother is narcissistic. Not being a professional, I can't say she has that personality disorder, but she fits the description very well.

As children, we were verbally and emotionally abused. At the time, we were taught that it was discipline. She was raising us to be fine, upstanding, moral human citizens. After all, we are a reflection of her, right? Looking back, I can say that the punishment never seemed to fit the crime. A bad grade on a report card (B), was the same as talking back, was the same as wrecking the TV, was the same as not finishing our food, was the same as, was the same as, was the same as... And they were the same in that we got the same punishment every time: a verbal lashing of how worthless we were, followed sometimes by an intense beating with a belt or similar object, followed by hours (or sometimes days) of the silent treatment. "I love you Mom" was never reciprocated when she was "mad" at us.

Having children of my own, I know that that was NOT discipline. And having narcissistic and histrionic tendencies myself, I know what that was. Especially since at 43 I still get the lashing out and silent treatment. And you know what? That still affects me. I feel like the 5 year old me, or the 8 year old me or the 12 year old me, or the 18 year old me, getting "disciplined" by my mother, when she gladly points out the error of my ways, and how could I have possibly turned out like this. "I raised you better than this, John."

"Like this" is my reckless and destructive behavior towards myself, my wife and my family, that I am desperately trying to fix and rectify.

I'll save the discussion about my destructive behavior for another time, in its appropriate Forum.

Thanks all for sharing.

Mothers who emotionally abuse their sons

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