Why are some abusers this way?

You or they end the relationship the abuser brags about how they never cared for you or was only stringing you along. Then after all the slander and calling you an abuser they start to stalk you online and off. And when or if you start a new relationship they tell the person bad things about you to scare them away. Why do they do this when they tell everyone that will listen that you are a bad person and never cared for you. Why do they do this just trying to understand this

It's because they are controllers, and they're still trying to control you.

I believe the only way to deal with them is "no contact", none at all. Do not respond to anything they say or write online, or that you hear from a third party.

This is a real noodle-scratcher, huh?

Done_Waiting wrote:It's because they are controllers, and they're still trying to control you.

I believe the only way to deal with them is "no contact", none at all. Do not respond to anything they say or write online, or that you hear from a third party.

I am doing the no contact but that makes him mad and so he kicks it up a notch mostly this is online

-- Sat Mar 09, 2013 2:54 pm --

Foot wrote:This is a real noodle-scratcher, huh?

Why did you erase all that? I know he is a narcissist but once they are done they are done and move on they don't stalk! I do no contact I don't understand most narc are to lazy to stalk maybe this one is slow

Myprincecharming wrote:You or they end the relationship the abuser brags about how they never cared for you or was only stringing you along. Then after all the slander and calling you an abuser they start to stalk you online and off. And when or if you start a new relationship they tell the person bad things about you to scare them away. Why do they do this when they tell everyone that will listen that you are a bad person and never cared for you. Why do they do this just trying to understand this

Sounds like there is a lot of conflict in there, from needing to not need you through to being unable to properly detach, whether its you they're attached to or an idea of you. There's clearly some sort of attachment otherwise they'd move on to someone else straight away instead of dwelling on you, so I'm guessing there's an issue with needing to control you, and needing to deny a need for you in any sense, whether that need is just to believe they can control you and experience the interaction or relationship that way, or whether they are also somehow attached to you or an idea of "you" in other way(s).

There might also be an issue of needing/wanting you but being unable to have a healthy relationship in any normal sense, so they might then try to prevent you from ending up in relationships with anyone else. What it does show is a clear need of some sort on their part.

Your narc also has an attachment disorder. I tried to explain that in the other thread. His identity has become wrapped up with yours and his mind makes it extremely difficult for him to separate the two. It's not wholly different from the way you're still obviously preoccupied with him.

But don't mistake that attachment for love or interest. He doesn't love you. He never did. I understand that that's a very bitter pill to swallow but fighting that reality by rehashing the past is only going to sink you deeper into this quagmire. Separate from him as much as you can and eventually your emotions will follow.

katana wrote:

Myprincecharming wrote:You or they end the relationship the abuser brags about how they never cared for you or was only stringing you along. Then after all the slander and calling you an abuser they start to stalk you online and off. And when or if you start a new relationship they tell the person bad things about you to scare them away. Why do they do this when they tell everyone that will listen that you are a bad person and never cared for you. Why do they do this just trying to understand this

Sounds like there is a lot of conflict in there, from needing to not need you through to being unable to properly detach, whether its you they're attached to or an idea of you. There's clearly some sort of attachment otherwise they'd move on to someone else straight away instead of dwelling on you, so I'm guessing there's an issue with needing to control you, and needing to deny a need for you in any sense, whether that need is just to believe they can control you and experience the interaction or relationship that way, or whether they are also somehow attached to you or an idea of "you" in other way(s).

There might also be an issue of needing/wanting you but being unable to have a healthy relationship in any normal sense, so they might then try to prevent you from ending up in relationships with anyone else. What it does show is a clear need of some sort on their part.

I thought they detatched fast too that is why this makes no sense at all! I now have my question to why now. Is there a way to help him detatch?

-- Sat Mar 09, 2013 3:21 pm --

Foot wrote:Your narc also has an attachment disorder. I tried to explain that in the other thread. His identity has become wrapped up with yours and his mind makes it extremely difficult for him to separate the two. It's not wholly different from the way you're still obviously preoccupied with him.

But don't mistake that attachment for love or interest. He doesn't love you. He never did. I understand that that's a very bitter pill to swallow but fighting that reality by rehashing the past is only going to sink you deeper into this quagmire. Separate from him as much as you can and eventually your emotions will follow.

I am but it is still not working I am nc been for 5 yrs

Myprincecharming wrote: Is there a way to help him detatch?... it is still not working I am nc been for 5 yrs

You've had NO contact for 5 years? I don't understand how you know what he's up to then? You must be reading online posts that he writes? That's not no contact *puzzled*

I feel for you. I'm not dissing you MPC, I'm just not understand the whole of your situation

My ex: we broke up 6 years ago. Last month he "bumped into" me in my favourite cafe. (This isn't a place we ever went together). What he does is hang out in coffee shops to pick up women: it's how we hooked up.
When we broke up (because I caught him "online dating" and arranging booty calls at one of his exes) I changed all my habits, my routes to work, my social habits. I changed by phone number, then my address (I rented, which was easier), then my name online. I blocked him from all my online contacts, and I deleted his details from all my accounts, so that I would never EVER be tempted to text or email him.

That's no contact!

And still he found me ~ by sheer chance ~ but I gave him short shrift. He tried to engage me in conversation and I just ignored him. I looked at him like "wtf?" and walked away. He followed me, still trying to talk to me. I didn't want him to see my vehicle (and get my license plate), so I went into a store. He seems to have got the message: I don't want anything to do with him.

Looking back when we were together, he had this habit of smiling at other women and giving them a nod, like to make me jealous. At the time I thought he wanted me to think he perhaps was seeing them behind my back, but now I believe he was doing to them the same thing: trying to keep some kind of contact going, even when it clearly (well, clear to normal people anyway) wasn't reciprocated.

Mpc is a troll. Don`t waste your breath.

By the way, Done_Waiting, good for you for the No Contact and how you handled your ex. It`s encouraging to see people act maturely, responsibly, and strongly.

Foot wrote:Mpc is a troll. Don`t waste your breath.

Oh, I didn't realise.

Why aren't they banned then?