My Mom is Emotionally Abusive

Hey,
So my mother is emotionally abusive. I've been putting up with it all my life, and now, at 17, I've had enough. She put me through numerous therapies as a toddler because I wasn't the perfect daughter she pictured. She locked me in my room for 3 hours at a time and ignored my cries. She made fun of my emetophobia (fear of vomit/vomitting), and OCD rituals. She was, and still is, constantly invalidating and unwilling to work through anything with me. Anything bad that happens in our house is automatically my fault. The older I got, the worse it got. I was bullied at school, and she blamed me for it because of stuff that I can't help, like my separation anxiety, PTSD, ADHD, and severe chronic depression. Believe me, I wish it would go away, I don't blame people for not wanting to be around me, I just wish they would understand what's really going on.
I was anorexic in 7th-8th grade, as my mom's desire for perfection pushed me to my limits. I was popular (for once in my life, the last time in my life), I was on high honors, and I was involved in several activities. Yet she still wanted something more. She constantly rehashes the anorexia and how it ruined everyone's lives. It's just like, seriously? It was worse on me than anyone else. She was also anorexic as a teen, so she really has no place to talk. Since I've gotten better she's been hounding me about my weight, saying I'm either too thin and need to "start eating right or she will take control of my food" or too fat and "need to cover up my gut and boobs". I was also sexually assaulted by one of my former best guy friends, and she blamed it on me, saying that I knew he would do it and if I was so upset than why didn't I scream and get his mom? It's kinda hard when you're choking on a male part that's been shoved in your mouth with your head being held down and accepting that your former best friend betrayed you in the worst way possible.
She also insults my choice of clothes, and always glares at me disapprovingly. Just two weeks ago, I was going shopping with her, and right before we left she took one look at me and said "Why do you dress so badly?!" She also says I wear unflattering clothes and is always trying to point out why my uniqueness is bad.
In general, she's manipulative and acts immaturely. She gave me the silent treatment for four days straight after a verbal fight (which I admit I actively took part in, which was not the best choice), she punishes me when I call her on her actions, and is not willing to work with me on anything. I've talked to her several times about having a mother-daughter bonding talk, where we come to terms with our issues, and my consular has offered to help, but my mom refuses. She says she's done with me and doesn't want to work with me anymore. Yet she still expects me to cater to her needs and respect her. It's her way of minimizing and denying her hurtful actions. She also does it to my dad and makes him wait on her hand and foot while she just lies in bed. My dad minimizes it too, because I think he's scared of her and doesn't like conflict. He gets upset when I bring it up, and I don't like to see him upset and I don't want him to punish me. I'm stuck at a dead end, with getting rid of myself being the only action that would help anything. Are there any other suggestions?

jaded-

I'm trying to think of a helpful response to your situation, but I just feel too drained at the moment. Reading it made me feel like .... AAAAARRRRGGGG! So I'm posting this as much to remind myself to respond tomorrow when, I hope, I can do so in a more insightful manner. Your mom sounds like a psychologically unhealthy person, and it's totally unfair what she is laying on you, even making allowance that I haven't heard "her side".

Do you have any family that you are close enough with to talk about moving in with them? Or friends? Getting yourself out of that situation seems like the best idea to me. Yes, that will be hard, but not quite as hard as carrying on trying to live with all that.

Also, this is reflective of my own way of handling issues, so might not help. But can you avoid her as much as possible? Don't talk to her. Or go out with her. Definitely no arguments with her. Just as close to No Contact as you can get while under the same roof. It might kick off more rows. But the time to yourself seems like it might help at least a little.

I don't have time for a full reply, but I wanted to say something, not just ignore your post. You have my sympathy, and empathy: my mother is abusive, and always has been. She can't see it: she thinks it's everyone else, even though her last employer took her to tribunal because she was bullying other staff.

I've cut or reduced contact with her several times over the years (many years), yet I don't like the person that makes me: I am not an unfeeling, uncaring person, even if she is.

However, I now refused to be manipulated by her, or shouted at by her. It took a lot of courage at first, but now I just say "don't shout at me", in a calm neutral tone, when she starts. She usually storms off at that point, so I just let her go. She's in her 70s for chrissakes, but she acts like a toddler. Tantrums!

Jaded88 wrote: Just two weeks ago, I was going shopping with her

I don't do that any more. I don't drive her anywhere, I don't do anything with her. It upset me to realise it, but she doesn't appreciate anything I do for her, nor does she thank me. So I stopped spending time with her. I still check in once a week, but as soon as the tantrum starts, I'm off. I'm lucky in that I don't live with her any more.

Jaded88 wrote: She gave me the silent treatment for four days straight after a verbal fight (which I admit I actively took part in, which was not the best choice)

Never, ever get drawn into an argument with an abuser. You will not win, they will not listen to you. They love the drama, they feed off it. Don't give it to them.

Jaded88 wrote: she still expects me to cater to her needs and respect her

Of course. Be polite and respectful, but that's all. Don't go out of your way, unless she is gracious and thankful. She probably might never become that, in which case cut your losses, and give up hoping she will improve.

I've read a lot of books this year, which have really helped me get some perspective, and shown me tactics to use. I recommend:

- Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out, by Patricia Evans

jaded-

I am quite impressed with how you appear to have handled matters. Merely the way you present suggests a wisdom and experience beyond your years- well it sounds as though you’ve already packed in a lifetime of some types of experiences by the time you are 18. What you describe is absolutely pathological, and I hope you understand that the past need not be prologue: you present as the kind of person who can transcend her past. This stage of your life will pass, and your task just now is to get through it in a way that lets you get to where you ought to be.

I must be very difficult living with your mom, but for now you need your parents to help you move to the next stage of your life (I hope they will help with that- if not, you could consider becoming an emancipated minor, but I hope it does not come to that).

She was also anorexic as a teen …

All the more reason why, in a twisted way, she should resent it in you, I suppose. What can I say- is it unfair: yes- but try not to let those things eat at you. You will be able to get away from it one day.


I was also sexually assaulted by one of my former best guy friends, and she blamed it on me,[i/]

Some friend- sounds like guys I grew up with. I was raised in a culture where it was always the girl’s fault, so I know where your mom is coming from. She should not have been there, her clothes were too revealing, nobody forced her to drink etc. etc. [that last one actually did foster in me a sense that I’d better be careful around alcohol]. It would have served him right if you had bit down hard! (um, that might not have been a smart thing to do, though). Depending on the circumstances, you might still consider filing a complaint with the police, although those things can consume a lot of mental energy with no guarantee of an outcome that you would desire.

[i]I'm stuck at a dead end, with getting rid of myself being the only action that would help anything.

Please, please, bide your time until the time is right for you to move. I hope you have the opportunity to go to college- and you may not need anything from your parents to do that. In the USA, at least, people who are 18 who can demonstrate that they are not being supported by family- or aren’t heiresses or whatever- can qualify for government loans that mean you can attend college on entirely on a “pay later” plan. Um, that does place a premium of gaining a marketable skill from your education. And again, at least in the USA, going into the military for a few years is a time honored why of paying for college education. I bring this up because it is clear to me that someone with your insight really should get a least a bachelor’s degree.

Please please, please PM me before you even consider seriously getting rid of yourself in order to get out of a bad situation. Just based on your post, I can tell you have a lot to look forward to in this world. But you do need to plan intelligently to make the future that you want happen. If you want to continue with school (and I hope you do), I know there is a way.

pistils wrote: I was raised in a culture where it was always the girl’s fault

It still is !

Very few sexual assault cases come to court, and of those that do, the perpetrator often gets away not guilty.
The victim is assaulted a 2nd time, by the aggressive, demeaning way the courts, police and lawyers treat her.

I'd counsel all young women to take the upmost care of their own safety: don't get out of control on alcohol, don't accept lifts from strangers, don't get caught without transport. It's not fair, but it's how it is. Nobody else will look out for you.