Can you be emotionally manipulative without even realising?

One of the hardest things for me to accept is that I've been inadvertently, non-maliciously emotionally manipulating someone.

I still don't know if I have...because I'm not sure what emotional manipulation [i]is[/i]. I've always associated it with deeply sick, twisted people who are intrinsically bad. I've spoken to someone for a while and they're very dear to me, but in our arguments (and 95% of the time I agree with the heart of the issue and sympathise with her greatly) I can't help but mention my feelings. Because I have them, and it's right to have them? I understand it's the wrong time to say them...though that's taken a long while to understand. I'm autistic. I don't offer that as an excuse for the heart of the issue or the fact I've said my feelings when they really don't matter, but to make people perhaps understand that I'm not an evil bastard--to use a metaphor: I've been blind, but I haven't kept my eyes closed.

I apologise for sending her mixed signals which could definitely be seen as me being emotionally manipulative...but when I've spoken to others who've dealt with "classic" emotionally manipulative types they've told me I'm flat out not clever/controlled enough to be emotionally manipulative. I don't doubt I've caused my friend pain and I'm very sorry, but have I been emotionally manipulative?

I am not sure whether you were really emotionally manipulative with your friend based on what you described. Telling someone about your feelings in and of itself is not manipulative. I don't know the whole context of the situation to make a judgement as to whether you were emotionally manipulative or not, but even if you were unconsciously manipulating at one time or another, don't feel so bad about it because we all do that up to some extend Some do that more, some less, but everyone does that. It's not necessarily evil, just a human tendency we all need to be aware of, that's all. We often resort to emotional manipulations when we feel vulnerable and/or when we are afraid we will be abandoned. At those times, it's more helpful to have compassion for yourself rather than judge yourself harshly.

Considering beforehand what your words will do to someone and acting accordingly is a typical behavior. It's... manipulative in the strictest sense, but it's just part of playing the game. A substantial percentage of social interactions are about power and control, even to the most minute influences.

For brevity's sake, the answer is yes; unintentional manipulation is totally mainstream.

To a degree, every interaction we have with people is modelled on previous interactions we have had in the past with others, and we engage in learnt behaviour. In that sense, we're following a script we have learnt, and will continue to follow. Sometimes, because of negative past experiences, the scripts we learn can be unhealthy, whether we're abusers or abused. If we're relatively emotionally healthy, self aware and able to introspect, our scripts are somewhere in the middle of the spectrum. None of us are perfect and there are times when we all say certain things in an argument, very often things we later regret. It sounds like you have self awareness, and a conscience, and don't have an abusive personality. We all have a right to feel and express our emotions and to be validated, and sometimes we might blurt out these feelings during an argument. Sometimes we can all say things that might be out of context or poorly timed, but the fact that you're aware of this would suggest that you're not an emotionally manipulative person.

WindGuru wrote: I've been ... manipulating someone...sending her mixed signals

You haven't given us an example of something that you've said, that you think has been manipulative.
Can you?


Speaking your feelings isn't manipulation. Saying something in order to get a reaction, is. Manipulation is about control, it's about controlling a situation, or a person, to suit you.

I think i have been doing this to my ex. Ive had depression and anxiety for years from past traumas and i was put on multiple medications last year after breaking down when my ex broke up with me then. The meds completely numbed all the emotions and feelings. It gave me a chance to look at myself more inwardly and do things i loved doing as a kid. My ex saw i was changing and thought about giving it another go 2 months after my breakdown. It was going great at first and things seemed to be falling into place nicely. I left my permanent job because i felt i needed a change. Things were changing both at home and work. My gp and i discussed getting me off the meds because i knew realisticly i wasnt dealing with the depression and anxiety honestly. My ex was very supportive of this and we thought we had made some positive changes in the lifestyle we were living. As time went on, i started to feel the emotions and experienced memory loss. It wasnt very god coming off the meds. Incidents started to occur where i would exploded all my emotions on my partner because i felt stressed by something as small as a bad situation at work or feeling useless and hopeless and making him feel he should sympathize and comfort me. One time we went riding on our bikes down some trails and he was still getting over a cold, he told me he wasnt feeling super great, and i told him that he was a drama queen. After this, he told me that was emotional manipulation. In my mind i thought it was a joke and expected him to get over it. But it really hurt him. The emotional outburts, negative thoughts and instability started to occur more often. I was going down again and i felt like everything was caving in on me, i felt uncomfortable talking to my ex about the way i was thinking and i would flip the conversations on him, as if it was his fault. Ive only realised this now as i have looked over the past year and have been able to remember properly. I dont know if this is intentional or not.

I think that is a fine line. Possibly you are just being forceful in trying to obtain your wishes and not negotiating such outcomes fairly. I think the classic manipulation is about control, lack of empathy and lack of real love.

You do sound like you really care.

Have you guys tried to talk this aspect of how you react through.

You really need to talk this out and not when you are stressed and arguing. Starting off with "I'm sorrry ...."really helps.

You can change these behaviors but it takes time