again and again....

I am 41, I got involved with a married man and it has been a nightmare for 4 years now. I had a restraining order and he violated it but he made me drop it. He constantly emails awful words to me. The most he has gone without contacting me is 3 months. I am the dummy who answered the emails though. I am very afraid of him becasue he threatens me all the time. I dont think he will actually touch me but I am not positive on that. My question is how do I get him out of my life? Why do I feel the need to respond to him to defend myself? Why do I believe what he says about me? He calls me everything from a fat cow to a s1ut, whore, b1tch, @@@@@@@, horrible mother. It goes in waves....nice then gets mad then the eruption then the apologies then the nice and so on. This/him has affected my entire life to the point of wanting to die. What do I do?

Such a tough situation, GA. I'm so sorry that something that should have been fun and low-key has gone so terribly wrong. I know it's mean to answer a question with a question. But how would you answer yourself when you say "why do I believe what he says?" He's a complete b-word to you. I don't want to make assumptions. But some guesses? You love him and think he still loves you under this abuse? You're guilty or angry or sad about something else and don't think you "deserve" him out of your life? He has some kind of blackmail hold over you?

The answer on the surface of it, is to get the restraining order renewed. And then report him the moment he violates it. Let the law protect you as much as possible and keep yourself away from him and as safe as possible too. But if there are some other issues here too, then that won't work. You did the right thing before and for some reason you backed down. If you can resolve that reason, that's the most important step in ending this so you can get on with your life. You do deserve that. You do deserve to be happy and positive and secure. It might be that this is something you could get support with in real life from a therapist? They'd be able to go through the situation with you in a private and safe environment. And give you more relevant advice depending on where in the world you are and what local law says about harassment.

Hi GA,

I am very sorry you are dealing with this. I happened to have worked with DV victims and even though you are not married to this guy the dynamic seems to be the same as in the abusive marriage. Being familiar with this type of abuse, I can't overstress how important it is for you to work with the therapist who is experienced in DV issues. It is crucial to be supported by a professional who can understand that getting out of the abusive relationship can take a long time and be patient with you, who can help you put together a safety plan for yourself and who can connect you with all legal and other resources you might need. Please, start looking for a therapist now, otherwise it'll be extremely difficult for you to break your psychological barriers that prevent you from being able to protect yourself.

GA110004 wrote: how do I get him out of my life?

By not responding to him, ever, in any form.
I had to change my phone number, my job and my address, and my habits, my coffee shop etc to get rid of my ex. He was THAT persistent. Even now, he occasionally turns up in my home town (we still live within 10 miles of each other). The last time was a month ago, he started chatting to me like we were old friends. I was so furious, but too polite to shout at him, so I just turned my back and ignored him. It was really hard, and embarrassing, this man trying to talk to me while I walked away from him. Then he said "oh sorry, I didn't realise you weren't talking to me!" WTF? We broke up 5 years ago, and I haven't spoken to you for 5 years! what planet is he on?

GA110004 wrote: Why do I feel the need to respond to him to defend myself?

because what he says is unfair, and untrue.

However, you cannot defend or explain yourself to an abuser. They don't care what you say, they probably don't even hear it.
They just want you dangling, they want you at their control. They will say anything to get you to react. By responding, you are letting them control you.

Change your numbers. Move on.

-- Tue Feb 19, 2013 7:47 pm --

There are some very good books out there. I repeat myself over & over, like a spammer, lol, but my faves are:
Power & Control, by S. Horley
Why Does He Do That, by L. Bancroft