I am back....help keep me strong PLEASE?

So I am just saying this because I am so disappointed in myself. I feel like such an idiot. Yep. He has done this. Here is my story from last summer....
http://www.psychforums.com/verbal-abuse/topic93866.html#p875034

I assume I inserted that link correctly. If not I will copy and paste into my topic.

So fast forward. Over the past several weeks I have experienced nothing by pure hell. And believe me, I know it is my fault. I have let the guilt of ...."well this is really the only stability my kids have or this has been their house for blah blah years or better yet....I know he is *sick* with OCPD and since he wont admit it I have to support him". UGH!

Well that behavior in my mind got me NO WHERE fast. What a codependent I am. Just sad.
So I will just fill all in on the hell I have been through...
Christmas, as with most moms, is the most important time of the year for me. Every year I think "this is finally going to be the Christmas I dream of" and every freaking year it is the same thing. So this year....after months of supressing little things here and there, it was once again ruined. I pulled through for my kids and made sure they didn't see any of it. Or so I thought. You see, we had just finished a 4 year court battle that I was the ROCK of. I supported him non stop. He was really screwed by his ex in his custody with his kids. I pushed it along and really thought he should get his kids the amount of time he deserved. So the judge FINALLY ruled on this at the beginning of December. OK Finally we can relax and have a beautiful Christmas.

Uh. No. What in God's name was I thinking? Me? Happy? Nonsense.
We go to my family's Christmas function, and some people in my family had too much to drink. This to him was offensive since we were around children. They are all adults and can drink whatever they want. Told me he would never go to a function with a particular family member again.
Ok. Whatever. It hurt, but whatever. We get to Christmas day. I had told him a few days earlier that I was going to go to my sisters a few hours and exchange gifts with cousins and would like for his kids and him to go as well. He proceeded to tell me that he was going to just stay with his kids at "our" house ("our"...that is a joke). So I was once again hurt but didn't argue. Christmas day we were with our kids from early afternoon until 6...when I was going to leave to go to my sister's. I fixed a nice filet mignon lunch/dinner. We opened gifts, played, then dinner. I had to make a few comments to our boys for their behavior at the table. His son was doing things that was making me feel queezy so I asked him to stop. He was farting at the table. I asked to stop a second time. At that point I was not backed by my husband. So I let it go. Finished my dinner and when SS would do something I would give him a look of "could you please stop"...it didn't.
I go to my sister's for 2 hours. Return with my husband and his kids walking out the door. Huh? "my kids are going home"...WTF? He returns. Looks at me...."Get to our room". So like a child about to be reprimanded, I go to our room. He blows up..."I DO NOT LIKE YOU. I CANNOT STAND YOU. I WANT YOU OUT OF MY HOUSE. I WANT YOU OUT OF MY FACE. I WANT YOU AND YOUR F*#*ING KIDS GONE. GONE!!!!! I DO NOT LOVE YOU ANYMORE" Merry Christmas to me. My kids are playing down stairs and I am bawling upstairs. Where did this come from you ask? Oh...let me explain.
His son had wanted to return home to his mother's all day to play with his toys there...since they were "soooo much better" than what they got at our house. So after I left, SS had a meltdown saying he wanted to go home...again. He was told no again. He took it up a notch. "I don't want to be here. I hate it here. I never want to come here ever again". So of course it is my fault. Because I repremanded his son and gave him a look.
Fast Forward again...the next week, I am so sad. I tell him I won't get onto his kids ever again. I will do my best and make it a happy home...blah blah.
I am told no that he cannot ever trust me with his kids...that I am disgusting. And again...a wounded puppy...I ask for forgiveness.
This weekend, he told me if I would do a list of things that I could stay and we could try and work this out. The list included
* that my son move into my daughter's room so his son doesn't have to look at my son's mess all of the time. HE IS 9!!!! What 9 year old doesn't have legos on the floor??????
*get all of my sh*%t out of the house that is junk (my things I like to decorate with)
*come home and clean every day after working a 12 hour day.
*no more excuses...if I have a bad day it can't be an excuse.
And then i was told again about my ADHD son that he really can't stand to be around him. That he can't even look at him when he is eating. He disgusts him. He can't even look at him period. He drives him crazy.

I leave yesterday to run an errand and come home and he has moved my son who lives here full time out of the room with SS and into my daughter's room. Because it is time one of his kids (who are here approx. 4-6 nights a month) have their own room. And I am an idiot for not understanding this.

I am beside myself with this. He thinks it is SOOO FAIR and SOOOO right that I am almost believing I am the one who is crazy for doubting this. Am I being unfair for wanting my son not to have to share his room with his sister? They are here EVERY DAY and I cant really think of any of my students or his friends that have ever said they share a room with their sister. And honestly I really wouldn't mind it if we had no choice. But to kick him out because of this????

I REALLLY NEED someone to coach me along and keep my strength and motivation going. I have to leave this man. I HAVE TOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so angry at myself. He is already trying to gaslight. But at the same time tells me I would be much happier if I leave. But as soon as I agree he is turning his crap around and being nice.
Help???

Oh goodness. Enormous hugs. This is SO hard.

I've got to say, you aren't an idiot. You want him to be reasonable, for your family to be happy, for your kids to be happy. That's a basic human need, you're a good person for trying to keep it all together and make it work.

Because, you know you've tried everything now. So when you do leave him, there aren't any other possibilities. It's what you really need to do for your sanity and for the sake of all the kids. You aren't crazy, he is. And since he can't see that, you need to look after yourself. Doesn't matter how nice he is now, it won't last.

And no, boys and girls do NOT share rooms unless there are no other rooms in the house. Certainly not so that another child can have his own room a few days a month. That's not OK.

More hugs. I'm here and reading. Have you any ideas about what you can do yet?

Thank you Ada. Yes I know I have to leave. I really do. The thought of spending another second around him and his kids causes me to shudder. Let me make this clear. I do love his children. They can be very good and sweet kids. However, I have come to dread being around them WITH him. They all feed off of one another. It is a vicious cycle.....they show up...I don't run over and give them gift and hugs...he gets jealous of my kids....his kids are jealous of me...he is mean to my kids....he is mean to me.....his kids are mean...to me and my children....they tell him things that are not true....he takes it out on me....it is just awful. I have detached so much from his kids. I HATE IT. I am a teacher and mother.....how on earth would I have ever thought I would detach from children to save myself and my own kids. They have told their dad ...and this is just the tip of the iceburg...that I have hit and grabbed them, I HAVE NEVER and I swear on my children...hit or grabbed them. They said that when he walks out of a room I make comments like "you are gross" or "you are fat"....what kid says that? I don't understand. I have been so good to them. HONESTLY! I just don't get all of this.
I understand that their mom is with them all of the time and she says horrible things about me. But shouldn't my husband support me at home?
I know the answers to all of this I am just trying to sort it all out.
I don't think he will ever hit me. Honestly. I don't fear for my safety either.
Thanks again and sorry to unload.

A good husband would support you. He isn't one of those. Seems like you can only do the best for yourself and your own kids. Between toxic parenting from their father and mother, there's not much you can do to counter-balance that. Not without his help and he just isn't in a place where he can do that.

Unloading's good. This is a good place for it, it's public but anonymous. I find that typing helps me sort out what I think about things. And I'm glad he's unlikely to be physically abusive. It's just so hard how emotionally abusive he is.

thank you Ada....I just got a lashing through text and just feel awful again. I know when he comes home tonight it is hell to pay.

Is there any way to divert that? Somewhere else you can be? Or a friend or family member "drop over for the evening"? Or would that make things worse.

no...but I did ask the kid's dad to keep them for the night. He said he would. I was just told again that he wants me to leave. I am so sad. He is serious.

Many hugs, sugar. He's doing the right thing for all the wrong reasons. Stay strong. It IS sad and unfair. He won't change.

I know he won't change.

He is on his way home from work. I asked my children's father to keep them tonight. They were supposed to come home. I did not want to expose them to anything else.
Thanks for the post. My plan is just to keep reading here tonight. That way I can keep the strength up.
My plan was to lie low until I can afford to move out. To save face until then...
I texted him to tell him I was sorry and that I would like for things to be positive. He texted back that he was sorry too. I was relieved thinking that tonight may be a little peaceful. I then texted "ok...good. things will change soon" hoping that he would take that as me giving in...instead he texted back "what do you mean" I texted that I wasn't trying to rehash and that I was sorry for getting into it today. Then asked "did you want a different answer" after I didn't hear from him. He said "yes"...I asked "what" he said "Just guess" meaning he wanted me to leave. How can he just be so blatantly mean? I don't understand. I know everyone is rolling their eyes but I am sure everyone has been here...right? Or am I as crazy as I feel or sound? I am so freaking sad. I just want him to love me back. I have always just wanted to love and be loved like we had in the beginning. I wanted unconditional love. What is this? Sorry I am just so many emotions in one. The current being just despair and sadness.

All those emotions make sense. If you didn't love him, deeply, you'd've left a long time ago. If you didn't care in general, if you were any of the mean things he's said, you wouldn't have tried so hard to make this work. He's so mean because he doesn't love you. He is just very good at manipulating you, because you're a nice person. But you have limits and he's way over one now.

To be practical a moment, how long will it take to be able to afford to move out? Are there other options open to you that could bridge the gap? Are there family or friends that you and your children could stay with for a short while? There's never going to be a perfect time to leave and I obviously know nothing about your financial situation but if he finds out that you're saving, that could provoke more arguing. If it's in a joint account, he might even spend the money elsewhere.

Do you have to leave the house? Might there be a way for him to move out instead? Since he's the one going on and on about leaving [although I think he's doing this to hurt you, rather than because he means it.]