Home Studying While Abusive Mom at play

Hello everyone. I am new to this forum but I have been looking for any advice or ways of help for this situation...ok here we go

Ever since I was 8 my mom has been a very verbally abusive person. When I had gotten into college she took it like it wasn't a big deal and as if I was never good enough. As a child my mom would yell at me for one bad grade on a test or in a class. But this was not normal yelling. She would give me little distance and would keep following me and telling me how I messed up. I would go into my room and write things about how I really hated her for the way she was. But in public she would cover her actions up like they never happened and always put a smile on her face even to my own friends to throw them off the scent of any abuse. I would go to a psychologist sometimes when I was a kid and she would tell me "don't say anything about the parents" to cover up the abuse going on in the house. And, in my teen years, I was told by her that it is "ok if I do not find someone".

I am now 22 and living back in my house temporarily while studying for the LSAT. She will tell me to just get a job and basically in her mind "get the hell out" like she wanted me out from the beginning. I already took the LSAT once and was forced to take in three months and I knew I would bomb it. Her response would be "well you only took it once". My father just goes with the flow and has accepted the abuse with no care in the world. My sister is being subjected to the same abuse as a teen as well. I am financially dependent on them for the moment as the LSAT requires a lot of time, money, and hard work to be able to complete. They have been abusing me for a while so I just usually walk out of my house and relax or lift weights. I am taking the test in another couple of months and do not know how to make my parents understand this dilemma when I am starting to realize that they won't listen and not respond like parents. It has forced down my self esteem significantly to some points where I have suicidal thoughts and sometimes occasional cutting to relieve the stress. Don't really have much of a support system as my friends are busy at college or already out in the world. Really just don't know how to fix this verbal abuse and be able to come to grips with all of this stress in my life. What should i do?

I don't think you can change your parents. Your mom's been abusive for years and your dad has been ignoring it for the same time. That isn't going to be affected by being honest with them about how this is affecting your study or self esteem.

My best suggestion is to find a place outside the house to study [a library, ideally.] And treat it as a job. Leave the house every morning, go and study. Keep up the walks and weights in between periods of study, physical fitness supports mental fitness. If you have access to any counselling through insurance or your studies, that's worth taking up, to help you keep your balance. If neither of those are options, you might be able to find low-cost or free services in your area since you are without an income. Spend as little time around your parents as you can.

Perhaps making some future plans might help too, if you haven't done this already? When you pass the LSAT, will that qualify you for loans to go to college? Will you need a part-time job to help make ends meet? If so, could you start looking now? Are you in touch with any friends who might need a room mate? Do you have any extended family that you could live with until you take the test?

Awww honey. You don't deserve any of it. I know I am preaching but not following my own advice. It is one thing to deal with it as an adult but as a child? You are a beautiful and smart human being. My mother was mentally abusive too and father alcoholic. But that is whole different story. It has made me into the anxiety ridden, depressed, codependent I am today. You have the beauty of soon starting out a new life for yourself. I wish I had known where to turn when i was your age...having the internet and forums such as this.
My best advice to you is to finish school, get a job, go out and remove yourself from your parents as much as you can. My best friend is gay (not saying that you are but using his story as an example) and had to deal with this sort of abuse as a child...since I think his parents knew deep down as he was gay growing up and they hated him for it. He removed himself from them as soon as he could and worked on himself for years before subjecting himself to any relationship. Today he is a happy man who lives his life as his own with a beautiful partner who treats him well. So what I am trying to say is that maybe you could get into counseling as soon as you can and reconstruct this horrible family life you parents created for you.

I know the parent side of things is hell but just keep on trucking as much as you can and just tell yourself that you made it 22 years...you can make it a few more if needed. She is sick and so is he!!!
Good luck and you will be loved beyond belief one day.

marcusmaximusii wrote:
Ever since I was 8 my mom has been a very verbally abusive person.

Same here: for as long as I can remember, and she still is ... now she's in her 60s and I in my 40s. They (abusers) rarely change, or stop abusing, or even realise that they are

marcusmaximusii wrote: I would go to a psychologist ... and she would tell me "don't say anything about the parents"

That's not a good psych then. Perhaps she was inexperienced, and didn't want to enter conversations she couldn't deal with? Even so, she should have referred you to someone who could help you

marcusmaximusii wrote: My father just goes with the flow and has accepted the abuse with no care in the world.

Is he abusive to you? Or does he just keep his head down so he doesn't get abuse too?
Either way, he isn't a parent to you: he's not protecting you, or building your confidence and self-esteem. Don't expect him to, if he's incapable of protecting you up to now, he never will: instead, you need to arm yourself with tactics so the abuse hurts you less

marcusmaximusii wrote: I am financially dependent on them for the moment... I just usually walk out of my house and relax or lift weights.

Just "for the moment", I breathe a sigh of relief at that. How long? When can you leave home for good?
I walk out the house when the abuse starts too. I just get my coat and go walk the dog, or if it starts on the phone, I just say "got to go now" and hang up. I don't let myself get drawn into arguments I can't win

marcusmaximusii wrote: Don't really have much of a support system as my friends are busy ...What should i do?

People can't understand, if they haven't had any experience of abuse themselves. I've tried talking to friends, they just don't get it, and I've even been told I should try being nicer, more feminine, blah blah.


I've found comfort and advice in a few good books (I have changed the dustjackets so "people" can't see what I'm reading):
Power & Control, S.Horley (about relationship abuse, but the advice is the same for any abusive situation)
Verbally Abusive Relationship, P.Evans
Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out, P. Evans

You read them, and think YES! That's what I'm talking about!