masquerade wrote: abuse can be so subtle and so insidious... it can be ... impossible for an outsider to see the full picture.
Abusers are often charming, presenting to the outside world a facade of kindness and concern. They may also twist the truth so that it appears that they themselves are the victims
masquerade wrote: The person who is being abused may, quite naturally, react with extreme emotion and the abuser may present a calm front, making it appear that the person is hysterical or over reacting and somehow "unbalanced".
This is so true, and it took me years to realise it. I was so upset and frustrated that NOBODY else could see what was going on in my relationship! Nobody believed me when I told them the nasty things he said and did. Of course they couldn't: it was hidden, all they saw was this lovely, generous, funny, Happy Larry guy. They never saw his bad side.
All they could see was my reaction to what was going on, and my reaction made me come across as tense, snappy, angry and retaliatory.
If we were out in company, he'd create an argument before we met up with the other people, so that I was off balance and upset at the start. I soon got wise to that, and if he played up I would simply take off my coat and refuse to go out.
He would also make nasty comments to me under his breath, which used to shock and upset me, reduce me to tears. It happened for two New Years Eves in a row, I was tearful and angry all evening after he'd been picking on me as we got dressed. The next two NYE were cancelled at the last minute as I was abused & shouted at while getting ready, so I took off my party clothes and went to bed instead. Now we don't even pretend that we're going out to celebrate, we just stay indoors.
Of course I wasn't allowed to tell others what had happened, that would be "making a scene". He was always very careful to select an audience that was naturally sympathetic to him: we would socialise with HIS friends & family, never with mine. They'd all known him all his life, and had never seen him hitting a woman, or shouting at her, calling her a F++king C++t, they wouldn't believe it was possible, of if he did, I must have really provoked him.
Now if he makes a nasty comment, I pretend to be deaf and ask him to repeat himself (by which time others are listening in, so he doesn't).