Have you ever had to deal with this ?

Having your family believe your abuser and side with them even trying to help you get back with the abuser? I don't understand why anyone would want a victim to go back to an abuser. Trying to seek understanding?

I haven't been in that situation myself, Lynzee. But I've read it in threads here over and over. They want to believe that abuse is something that only happens to OTHER people. When it happens in their own family, they have to confront many difficult feelings. Including that they misjudged the abuser. That they trusted and liked them. Accepted them into the family. And that can be so hard on the ego that they find it less painful to label the victim a liar. That way the abuse "didn't happen" and "everything's OK."

Except it did happen. And everything is not OK. It makes the situation so much harder for an abuse survivor to not be able to get support from their own family.

Thank you for the kind words I will try to look deep in myself to forgive is all I, can do to not let the bitterness get me

I know I'm a bit late posting this, and it might not answer your question but have a look at what is called Stockhome syndrome. It might point you in the direction of comprehension.

As for family siding with the abuser, I'm inclined to believe the family does not want the family's reputation sullied by that kind of "scandal. "

Very often abuse can be so subtle and so insidious, creeping up on the person concerned, who often doesn't recognise the abuse until they come to a point where the pain becomes too much. The abuse is often disguised by clever gaslighting and projection,with the person who is being abused taking on board feelings of guilt and blame because they believe their abuser's distorted versions of reality. If it is so difficult for an abused person to recognise the extent of the abuse, it can be nearly impossible for an outsider to see the full picture. Abusers are often charming, presenting to the outside world a facade of kindness and concern. They may also twist the truth so that it appears that they themselves are the victims and that the person who is being abused is somehow paranoid or even mentally ill. The person who is being abused may, quite naturally, react with extreme emotion and the abuser may present a calm front, making it appear that the person is hysterical or over reacting and somehow "unbalanced". By using these tactics the abuser will create an environment in which more abuse can take place, knowing that the person will not be believed.

Hun, are you in a situation now where you are being abused, and not being believed? Talking about it may help.

masquerade wrote: abuse can be so subtle and so insidious... it can be ... impossible for an outsider to see the full picture.
Abusers are often charming, presenting to the outside world a facade of kindness and concern. They may also twist the truth so that it appears that they themselves are the victims

masquerade wrote: The person who is being abused may, quite naturally, react with extreme emotion and the abuser may present a calm front, making it appear that the person is hysterical or over reacting and somehow "unbalanced".

This is so true, and it took me years to realise it. I was so upset and frustrated that NOBODY else could see what was going on in my relationship! Nobody believed me when I told them the nasty things he said and did. Of course they couldn't: it was hidden, all they saw was this lovely, generous, funny, Happy Larry guy. They never saw his bad side.
All they could see was my reaction to what was going on, and my reaction made me come across as tense, snappy, angry and retaliatory.
If we were out in company, he'd create an argument before we met up with the other people, so that I was off balance and upset at the start. I soon got wise to that, and if he played up I would simply take off my coat and refuse to go out.

He would also make nasty comments to me under his breath, which used to shock and upset me, reduce me to tears. It happened for two New Years Eves in a row, I was tearful and angry all evening after he'd been picking on me as we got dressed. The next two NYE were cancelled at the last minute as I was abused & shouted at while getting ready, so I took off my party clothes and went to bed instead. Now we don't even pretend that we're going out to celebrate, we just stay indoors.

Of course I wasn't allowed to tell others what had happened, that would be "making a scene". He was always very careful to select an audience that was naturally sympathetic to him: we would socialise with HIS friends & family, never with mine. They'd all known him all his life, and had never seen him hitting a woman, or shouting at her, calling her a F++king C++t, they wouldn't believe it was possible, of if he did, I must have really provoked him.

Now if he makes a nasty comment, I pretend to be deaf and ask him to repeat himself (by which time others are listening in, so he doesn't).