Again

So we reignited a relationship and I feel things had been better and going good except for here and there comments. She comes around very convincing, surprising me here and there and saying things like, "When I first talked to you, I walked away thinking 'That woman is a rockstar.' And now if I were to talk to you, I would walk away thinking 'That is a sad and depressed woman.' And I know I did that to you. And I want to make it up to you." Even then I told her I am skeptical, as she has taken back apologies in the past. She told me she means it, she is not faking the tears, and that she is not going to take any apologies back. She did take that back a few months later, last night, before I ended up just leaving. She always piles me with amazing in the beginning and it wanes and disappears. I always feel so off balance with the inconsistency. She had made the effort of making a lot of changes to better our relationship in some ways, so I put all my trust into it. I believed so much that it would last.

She told me we should make coupons for each other for Christmas. She saw I wasn't too big on the idea but told her okay. I was already planning at that point an all expense paid trip to Chicago because Christmas is also our anniversary, so I wanted to make it special somehow. Afterall, she told me she couldn't wait to spend the majority of the break with me. I wanted to do her up in a new outfit and make her feel special. This was to be found on a scavenger hunt along with a several page letter of how I feel about her and what I love and appreciate about her, as I know we both often feel unseen. However, three days before Christmas (a week into break and whenever we have the chance, she is distant or showing no interest), I simply said, "Hey, you really got me pumped saying you can't wait to spend the majority of this break with me. So I am curious, are we going to spend any time together?" This led to her telling me she is tired of my feelings every three or four days and her puking and having spasms and sending me into a couple panic attacks.

Anyway, her ex husband who never really acknowledges me was going to be over Christmas morning so in the best effort to try to include myself, I got all her kids and her ex husband Amazon gift cards. I wrapped presents and helped set everything under the tree and get everything ready for her son's birthday. And I realize that everyone 's stocking is past the brim except mine. It was nearly empty, with two things in it. I honestly would have stuffed it myself if I had known, just to make it look like I fit. She told me what she had for me was too heavy and they are under the tree, which were food items so her youngest would continue to believe there is a Santa. So I sat there listening to her and her ex husband talk about her extended family I am not allowed to be a part of as she makes no effort per usual to bring me into the conversation, after she also let me know there would be no affection in front of him. This is after she told me this is our home and she isn't going to bend over backwards to make him comfortable and if he is uncomfortable with our relationship, he doesn't have to come into our home. She said, "Kind of like how you seem to feel uncomfortable in front of your ex husband." I told her I still do, though. When she reaches over for me, of course I will hold her hand or kiss her. I held her hand in front of him during dinners many times. Her reply? "Oh way to make me feel bad over a simple request." I have never met such a group of excluding people. And maybe she belonged in that group. Her extended family gave me attitude when I tried to join them two years ago. Her ex husband got pissy and said, "Why can't she go be with her OWN family?" And she complains that her extended family is like that. But so is she. She is no different. My ex husband, who is from the Middle East and grew up around strict morals, treated her to dinner several times, treated her and me and her four kids to dinner and let all of us camp in his home for a night. I have never been around excluding people. Every one of my past partners were warm and including and especially wouldn't allow this to happen to their partner. They protected the heart of the person they love with everything in them. Now the past three holidays have been lonely and awful due to how she treated me. I tried to stay present despite the awkwardness. I even sat there as she and her ex husband had a conversation about her extended family he is still welcome in but I am not allowed to be a part of and she made no effort of including me or bringing me into the conversation (she says she is not going to roll out the red carpet). She let me know we would exchange gifts after her kids left.

I'm thinking it is our chance to celebrate us, being our anniversary. I gave her a gift certificate to her favorite store, her favorite game she has been talking about through the year, a round trip ticket to Chicago, a Lambic set, a pen and stylus duo, a ton of candy and, yes, a book of likely over a hundred coupons. Creative ones, trying to avoid things that come naturally in relationships like hugs and kisses. She handed me an envelope with some coupons in it that said things like "free hug" and "free ear and nose massage." She then told me not to use them all at once, told me she planned to only make four but decided to double up, turned on a movie and fell asleep. I tried to keep the punch in the gut to myself and decided to go upstairs to attempt a bath. But I started crying. I tried telling her she is invited to join. She said, "Now?" And went back to sleep. When I told her how much this hurt my feelings, she pulled a shirt over her face, said "Not again" and told me she is tired of my criticism every three to four days and went to sleep. She then locked herself down in the basement and completely ignored me, having tied the door nob to the railing with a strap, slept down there, and ignored me the following day. She told me she is not allowing my criticism to bring her low and asked me why I can't look at the good things, I begged her for days to talk it through with me and she ignored me. I told her ignoring has been proven to signal torture in the brain and is the mental equivalent of burying someone alive. She still ignored me. So when she tried to talk to me, while insulting me, I tried to show her how it feels. I made it clear the only reason I am dong it is because she is doing it to me. She told me I am acting as if she is not even there and drilled it into me that I am not myself and that there is something seriously wrong with me and I need to seriously look into getting some mental help. After begging to talk repeatedly, I made arrangements so leave. And I left.

And I am waking up this morning alone looking around and I can't believe she did this to me again. I have no family. And I spend nearly everything I had on her with trust in her words that it would be okay this time. It's going to be a struggle.

Every time I said something that would be bothering me, a punishment would come. She would withdrawal and become distant or ignore. She would let me know I make her feel like a failure and she is just going to "focus on other things that don't hand her the failing grade." It is lasting damage, as one with decent self-esteem ends up always questioning themselves. I was completely different before I met her. Someone who knows us that I don't share a lot with at all semi-recently said, "It seems like she wants to break you down and then rebuild you into something that suits her." Which suits her perfectly because she can turn that around on me, saying I am trying to do that to her, for demanding what should be in a relationship, anyway. The lack of empathy is immense.

She would not even spend New Year's with me as excluded as I had to feel during Christmas and the day after.

Funny someone asked if her kids even know we are together. She allowed her kids to introduce me as "mommy's friend" to everyone, though I was clearly not, because she doesn't want her kids to be embarrassed that their mom is gay. I told her, "I kiss their mom and sleep next to their mom and hold her and I clean their messes and I help them with their homework and I read with them at night and I do all the things that my position as your partner brings and I feel disregarded when I am introduced as friend." (a friend of mine said her kids' embarrassment is not even on me and if she is so worried about her kids' embarrassment of her sexuality then she better lose the faux hawk and grow her hair out and stop wearing neck ties (i'd say also lose the interested in women status on her fb that her kids are on)) She says, "I am tired of your criticisms and making me feel like a failure of a partner. I won't even try anymore." She refers to my feelings as criticisms and bad behavior.

I did ask her to talk several times this last round. She refused. She watched me go. I asked her to talk it all out and she watched me go. I really can't believe I let her do this to me again. And this time it is worse because in trusting her and believing with everything in me, I gave her everything had. And I am feeling so guilty for walking away with the Canon t4i I bought her for her birthday. It just feels tacky. I have an immense inability to treat myself and love to to make others happy first and foremost. I did slip in a moment of intense hurt and said if I had known my life was going to be uprooted again, I would have never done all I had done because I did it out of trust. I could have treated others in my life who have been emotionally kinder towards me. I also am nearly blind and can't see anything far away or words on a board in class. And my computer is breaking and all I have wanted is a Macbook Pro so I can start a book and some creative projects. This sounds selfish but it's not because I can't...it is my desire to put it all toward others. She told me she would donate the camera. All this while she was yelling at me and ignoring me all while I was sick and crying. And so now her daughter texted me and I am crying.

And I shouldn't be crying over the loss of someone so cold. I know this. I am so mad at myself for trusting her and believing again.

Hun, this was so poignant and I could feel your pain. This relationship is eating away at your self esteem, which I suspect was low to begin with. You are giving her a precious gift - your love - which is being cruelly cheapened and discarded and thrown back in your face. This is a real form of abuse and you have done nothing to deserve this. None of this is your fault.

Speaking to a counsellor can help you to find a way forward and to improve your self esteem, helping you to appreciate what you deserve, that is to be loved in a reciprocal manner. If things become really unbearable, please speak to a Domestic Violence agency in your area who can offer you support and advice. Mental abuse is a form of violence and can be very damaging.

Re establishing your own identity through outside interests can help you to grow again as a person and realise that you are your own person. You may not feel that you are ready to do this, but you can begin the process a step at a time, perhaps initially by seeking counselling to help you to find the root cause of your low self esteem.

Talking things through here can also help although the forum is not a substitute for therapy. If you feel that you need someone to listen, feel free to PM me or any of the other mods. I wish you well.