Suicidal at night, better in the morning.

I've been out of my 9 year marriage for almost a year. I've been getting psychological help from a therapist for over a year, and I am feeling a significantly better.

My marriage was very abusive: physical, sexual, emotional, etc. Although he's gone, I still get intrusive memories of him that knock me off my feet. I feel it the worst at night. After my kids go to bed, the ache of loneliness plus the flood of traumatic memories sends me into a whirlwind, downward spiral of suicidal depression. I feel worthless, ugly, rejected, and stupid. All I can think about is ending it all. In the mornings, however, I am usually less depressed and rarely suicidal.

How do I cope with the memories and intense loneliness so that I don't accidentally do anything stupid in the moment? I'm already taking an antidepressant, and I would prefer not to increase the dose. I would rather change my mindset than medications.

I tend to feel worse in the evenings too. I think it's quite common to be that way. Mornings seems more full of possibilities, and I imagine your children keep you busy earlier in the day.

Could you accept that you have these negative feelings in the evenings? Maybe you could plan for them by coming-up with a list of things you can do when you feel bad at night. Some ideas could be to watch a favourite movie (use headphones if you need to keep quiet) or take a warm bath.
Or maybe when you're more positive earlier in the day, you could write a letter to yourself listing the things you do like about yourself and your life. Then keep the letter to read during the times when you're feeling depressed.

I'd try to avoid seeing your feelings as the enemy (as in something that you need to control or stop). That may only encourage you to feel badly about yourself. You suffered during an abusive relationship, so I think it is okay to still feel hurt. Be patient and give yourself time to heal.

Maybe you could ask your therapist for some ideas too?

I might be a bit belated, but welcome to the forums.

The letter idea is not a bad one, particularly if the letter tells you what you survived during your 9 years of hell.In October I blogged part of what I survived to give you some idea of what I mean

That you look after your children proves you care and are worth a lot.

There is a rape forums on this site. Perhaps there you can find empathy for the physical side of the nine years. And a way of coping with that aspect of yor past. For it is past, not current!

Have you noticed the memories being triggered by anything in particular? This is probably a stupid thing to say, I'm sorry, but have you changed houses since he left? If you're still in the place where you lived with him, have you rearranged furniture, bought new bedding, that sort of thing? Some ways to remember newer positive memories might help, perhaps, so extra pictures of your kids [or by your kids, if they like art].

Is there anyone you could plan to phone in the evening, to avoid the loneliness? Posting here, or in other forums online, might help a little too. You're very welcome to post where you like and talk about whatever you're comfortable sharing here. But if you'd rather get away from anything serious, there's also a busy just-for-fun/ forum here.

It sounds as if you've been really traumatised by what has happened to you. If you haven't already, it's important that you tell your therapist about your suicidal feelings.

Changing your mindset can be done, although because of the extent of the trauma, it won't happen overnight. In the meantime, it's important to think of the here and now, and the fact is that you're feeling particularly bad at the moment. The most important thing is to keep yourself safe, and this may actually mean increasing your anti depressants, which can actually help you to get to a place where you can benefit from therapy in a more productive way. Speaking to your doctor can do no harm. If you do feel really bad at any point it's important to seek help, even if it means calling the emergency services.

As time goes by, you will slowly begin to heal, and find a way of moving forward.

Having a holistic approach to your psychological and emotional well being can help, and this may mean utilising all possible outlets of help that are available - both psychological and medical. The two combined can honestly really help you.

The mods on here are always here to listen and you are welcome to PM any one of us at any time.

lonelyandperplexed wrote: I feel worthless, ugly, rejected, and stupid.

But you know that's not true, don't you?
It's just how you've been "trained" to see yourself, by your abuser/s.

I felt like that too, for falling for the same type again & again & again. It must be me, I must be the problem, the horrible person, to end up with men who abuse me.
Having read widely on the subject of verbal abuse, I now realise that my mother trained me to be attractive to other abusers: I learned, from a young age, copying skills like hiding my emotions, not crying, not appearing to care about anything (because it would be destroyed).
I have wanted desperately to have a good happy relationship with a partner, but I always ended up with abusers! Why? Not because I am an idiot, but because I put up with bad behaviours that other women would kick to the kerb. When the red flags are raised, I tend to ignore them, because I've been trained to "put up with" so much bad behaviour that it's become normal to me.

They prey on abused people, they can spot us a mile off, even when we don't know what we are.

lonelyandperplexed wrote: In the mornings, however, I am usually less depressed and rarely suicidal.

So, the problem is the nights. Long lonely nights?
Can you do a hobby? I don't know: sewing, knitting, Tarot cards, a language? Something to occupy your mind and keep it busy, something a bit challenging to get your teeth into.