I've been out of my 9 year marriage for almost a year. I've been getting psychological help from a therapist for over a year, and I am feeling a significantly better.
My marriage was very abusive: physical, sexual, emotional, etc. Although he's gone, I still get intrusive memories of him that knock me off my feet. I feel it the worst at night. After my kids go to bed, the ache of loneliness plus the flood of traumatic memories sends me into a whirlwind, downward spiral of suicidal depression. I feel worthless, ugly, rejected, and stupid. All I can think about is ending it all. In the mornings, however, I am usually less depressed and rarely suicidal.
How do I cope with the memories and intense loneliness so that I don't accidentally do anything stupid in the moment? I'm already taking an antidepressant, and I would prefer not to increase the dose. I would rather change my mindset than medications.