Unsure what to do

Hi there, first of all let me just say that I've read quite a few threads on here and my problem is not even close to most of them, so I do feel sort of out of place with my somewhat minor problem in comparison.

I'm having a problem trying to cope with my extremely abusive mother. She has been acting abusive over the past few years, but I've only started to need some support over the past few months. I'm 17 years old and have a 9 year old brother and a 20 year old sister living with me, along with my mother and father.

My parents have constantly been fighting over the past few years, but has reached its peak late last year and that peak has maintained throughout this year. It's been basically a game of "she promised this" "he said this and that" in my household between them and abuse between each other is a common occurrence. But anyways, that's beside the point.

Lately, my mum has been picking at all things small just to start an argument, she does it constantly. For example, she had been fine with me for a week or so, then yesterday I was on my way with my brother to a football game, we didn't have any form of transport to get there so I was just phoning around to see if anyone could give us a lift. As I was phoning around, my mum said "How are you going to the game?" to which I responded "At the moment, I don't have a clue".

Now for some reason, my response hit a nerve. She started shouting, cursing and throwing things at me (such as magazines, books and whatnot), worse of all, my brother was sitting down next to me so he copped the full grunt of the scathing attack too. Sadly, this happens extremely often, it seems as though if she asks a question and doesn't get the exact reply she wants, she just goes crazy. What I'm scared of is not for me, but the impact it will have on my brother. I don't want him to constantly hear these sorts of things coming out from what should be his role model. I can tell it is really affecting him as I have noticed a change in his attitude towards emotional situations recently.

Actually, my mum had just come into my room to abuse me once again, shouting about how I am disrespectful towards her, how my behaviour is shameful and so on, all this within possibly 30 minutes of writing this piece.

I'm just out of ideas as to what to do, my dad has tried to convince her to go to a marriage counsellor to get their relationship sorted out and also a doctor as he too is fearing the same things I am towards her behaviour, but mostly he just brushes her meltdowns aside as an everyday occurrence, so I believe it is my duty to keep my brother as far away from this as possible.

Another concern that I have is that my major, end of school exams are on as we speak, all this abuse I am receiving is detrimental to both my studies and my determination to succeed. There just isn't any drive anymore, it just seems everything I try to do is being ridiculed and end up just being abused for it.

Is there anyone who can recommend what to do in my situation? Currently I'm just trying to take both myself and my brother out of the house as much as possible, whether it be to a football game like yesterday or just out to the park. I just don't want him to be prone to such domestic violence at such a tender age.

Sincerely and thank you, J.

This isn't a minor problem, J, it seems really difficult. And I'm not really sure what to suggest, although I think you're doing a good thing in trying to keep your brother away from it as much as possible.

Is there anyone at school, a therapist or counsellor that you could talk to? That might give you some support with your studies and exams, and they might have some ideas about what can be done. And they could perhaps contact your father and encourage him to take action. If there's a problem with her mental health, then marriage counselling isn't going to do much for them. It's true it is very difficult to get someone any kind of help if they're determined not to acknowledge any problem. But if this isn't hidden within your family, if other people are aware of what's happening, then that can help pressure her into taking steps to make the situation better.

If you haven't explicitly mentioned the impact of this on your school work to your father, then that would be worth doing. He may be feeling guilty about his own contribution to her abusive behaviour [if this isn't a mental health issue but caused by problems in their marriage] but it isn't fair that it's being taken out on you. And having long-term effects on all of you.

I am probably replying too late, but welcome to the forums.

What are you studying and is it the last year of school? And do you intend to go to further education?

If the change in behaviour happened recently can you think of some unusual event which happened round the time your mothers behaviour changed

Hope you do well in the exams

JA823 wrote: mum has been picking at all things small just to start an argument, she does it constantly.

Mine used to as well, I left home age 18. In fact, she still does, and I'm now in my 50s ! She never has a good word to say about anyone, she swears, screams and is just really unpleasant. I've finally found a label for what she is: a verbal abuser. I highly recommend Pat Evans's books, esp. "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" and "Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out"

JA823 wrote: She started shouting, cursing and throwing things at me ... if she asks a question and doesn't get the exact reply she wants, she just goes crazy.

That's how she gets her way. If shouting doesn't work, she will escalate it to physical violence, until she gets her way. You can't reason with these people, they aren't rational. The books ^ explain it better than I can, they have tactics you could try too.

JA823 wrote: ...my brother. I don't want him to constantly hear these sorts of things coming out from what should be his role model.

You're dead right, she is setting an appalling example. He could learn that violence gets things done, or he could go the other way and become depressed. In future relationships, he's more likely to become an abuser, or an abuser's victim, than he is to have a normal healthy relationship.
Parents! The f+ck you up! as Oliver James said.

JA823 wrote: my dad has tried to convince her to go to a marriage counsellor ...mostly he just brushes her meltdowns aside

He isn't stepping up to the plate either: he isn't parenting you, he isn't protecting you.
Unfortunately, you're in the position of being the parent in this household, protecting your brother. You aren't alone ~ I, and thousands of others, have been in the same situation. You (and your brother) need to accept that your parents may NEVER be good parents, and develop coping strategies.

JA823 wrote: I'm just trying to take both myself and my brother out of the house as much as possible

That's one of the tactics I use when abuse starts: I don't get drawn into an argument, I no longer try to defend or explain myself, or try to reason with the abuser (it's pointless, they don't listen and cannot understand) ... I just get myself out of the house, go walk the dog or go to a coffee shop.
If that isn't possible, I go put on my headphones (might not work for you: my mother used to send me to my room, then yell at me for being anti-social by hiding in my room !)