Rant about everything I suppose

[expo86]

This will be long, but I just need to get this out of my system...okay?

I'm seventeen. But it starts with the house. My parents bought this little one-story place with peeling paint after they got married, assuming they would both begin college eventually and earn enough money to move elsewhere. It was a temporary place. Anyway, the real estate agent told some lies and they got stuck with keeping the house and paying for it. There's just my parents, me, and my younger brother. The house is always falling apart and we don't really have heat or airconditioning. My parents make about $38,000 annually (combined) and to be honest, I don't know if that's enough for us to live in a better place or if they're just really bad at budgeting. I feel bad for saying any of this because it's not like we don't have plenty of food and clean water, and we can cover the electricity bill. It just gets really cold and prone to insects. I live in a fairly remote part of the woods. There are a few houses here and there, but there aren't any sidewalks or anything. There's about a 25 minute drive to any sort of store and to my high school. More on that later.

So my parents never really caught up with college. Or technology, for that matter. None of us have ever owned a cell phone, because we can't afford them. I've gotten so used to this that it's almost nice to not have the temptation to text pointless comments to friends 24/7. A little bit of mystery and space is healthy, you know? But it can be stressful. For instance, my mother had the bad luck of getting into a car accident in the same month for a few years in a row. She was supposed to pick me and my at-the-time boyfriend up from the mall at, say, 7. At 8:45 I was freaked AND it was the month of the accidents. I was so scared that she was hurt, and I couldn't call to make sure. My boyfriend had a phone (obviously) but she didn't have one to answer with, so it was useless. It was a misunderstanding in the end, but I was so embarrassed to be so far behind with communication. When I'm forced to admit that I don't have a cell phone, I receive reactions from disbelief to disgust. Like, "You're so poor, get away from me." No one would know I wasn't rich if I never spoke a word. I pride myself on budgeting well for cosmetics, and I have a very chic sense of style. It makes me feel better. But any of my confidence is instantly shattered when people badger me with questions about my home life.

It's just that money is a weak spot for me. I'm seventeen and I wish so badly that I could get a job in order to buy a phone or save for college. Since, surprise surprise, they didn't put any money away for me for college either. We all share one car because that's what we can afford, which my father takes to work every day. I haven't even taken driver's ed yet, because where I live it's a couple hundred dollars. I feel immature for not knowing how to drive. And since I live 25 minutes by car from any store, walking to work is out of the question. A few months ago, I decided to apply for the National Honor Society because I have a perfect GPA and record, plus the possible scholarships would be helpful. I got rejected, and they told me why: I don't have enough extra curriculars. I ######6 wonder why? Maybe it's because the one family car is shared between my father's work and my mother's business? What about running errands? I've never been allowed to have extra-curriculars. There's no point: I would never be able to show up. It's difficult for my friends to go all the way out to my house to get me, or I would do that.

I am just so sick of feeling trapped. I work every day to look perfect, have perfect grades, and be perfectly kind and generous to everyone...only to keep getting ###$ over by money. It's not MY fault that my parents made bad financial decisions. I would love to be staying after school all the time, being on committees and sports teams... I had to quit drama, the one thing that boosted my self-esteem, because the rehearsals were so frequent. It sucks, okay? I look at my friends with jobs, cars, and cell phones...parents who don't constantly fight and threaten to hit each other...and I wonder what their lives are like. Each time I admit I'm worried about money, I get the inevitable "Get a job! You're seventeen, you can drive yourself." It's endless circles and don't know how to get out. Believe me, I spend 50% of my time searching for scholarships and doing drawing commissions for money. But it doesn't really help and I'm scared.

I don't expect answers, because there are none. It's just an irritation.