Why do "they" say im doing so good, but when i stuff up....

[Miss-messy]

They say i've come so far, im being so stong im doing so well. But when im down and i want to f**k of the blood planet, and throw the towel in. They guilt trip me, by reminding me of my family, which are already at the core of my thoughts, and its screwing me up enough with out them laying on the guilt to..
I dont see how im doing so well... im never going to have the bloody life i want! Never going to exceed in the fields i want!

I realise this is a self defitist (whatever) post but im feeling this and thinking this and i cant pretend im not.

It doesnt seem to me that im doing all that well. i cant look a week in advance or i freak out. I cant go to town without turning into a head less chicken with a heart beating outta my chest. I cant bloody walk anywhere, im always dashing, almost running to wether im going. Always late or stupidly early beacuse ive dashed like im running a bloody marathon. Consently looking over my shoulder thinking someones following me, or the plasic bag in the road a cat. or the lamposts an axe murderer.I cant wait for a call with out freaking there not going to call and all the reasons why not. I cant enjoy the telly, half the time i cant enjoy music and it just sounds like static noise! Im not fecking looking after my daughter probaly, i've almost stricked her on far more than one ocassion. I cant look anyone in the eye, an if i do its forced just to try look normal which i very really mange. I cant stand my guard in an aguement, so never even try, leaving anyone who wants to to walk over me. I dont know if i love my partner of three years or if i ever had. I want to break off with him, i dont want to be around anyone. i dont have hardly any intrests, and the ones i do have are diminishing. I dont have any friends, apart from one old man at the pub, hes nice but he makes me uncomfotable. I JUST WANT TO BE LEFT TO DO THE ONLY OPTION I FEEL I HAVE!!!!!
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