Please assure me that I'm normal

[Eris Nyx]

Hello, I’m new here. I think I need this. Venting and writing to imaginary comrades and re-reading my posts and your posts. I think it would help me normalize myself better.

Anyways, for starters: For the past years of my life, I think I never genuinely care about others just for the sake of caring for them. I mean I feel like I’ve been forced to care because it is expected of me and it would actually benefit me because when I show that I care people see me as a good sweet caring person. But if those beneficial factors aren’t around and no one is watching, f--k everyone can die and it wouldn’t faze me. Yes, people’s death is saddening, and a moment of silence and appreciation will be given but I think grieving too much about it will only cost me at the end. I think it’s a waste of time and I feel sorry for the people who have been hard-wired to react that way. It pisses me off that I can’t say in public how I really feel, because I know for a fact that if I did, people will see me as cold-hearted and emotionless. And I think that’s not true. I have emotions.

Lately, I’ve been thinking how I would react when my mother passes away. The first thing, I could think of are the expenses and preparation time for her funeral that will cost me. I love my mom and I feel that my initial reaction isn’t a normal reaction. I feel I should cry first for loosing her, instead of being annoyed that I got left behind and have to deal with all the death preparation tasks; instead of the fact that I won’t have anyone else to rely and trust (aside from myself and my cat). I basically lost a resourceful life teammate, in addition to being burden with her end-of life legal issues.

I only have three semi-close friends, though I want to have more. Because having more friends is normal, isn’t it? But I find it difficult and tiring to do so, because I’ve learned in order to build and maintain friendships you have to be interested with your friends’ well-being and daily activities. To be honest, I’m not really that thrilled to listen to them talk about themselves and their opinions for hours. And I don’t like talking about myself because there’s really nothing to tell, unless I talk about the unconventional ideas I have in my head. But I’m afraid that would freak out new potential friends. I bestowing my real thoughts with my semi-closes friends and they were a little freaked out.
When we were on a road trip, as we passed through houses whose streets-lights were off, and we could see inside their houses and count the number of people inside. I asked: "Do you think we can get inside those houses, kill them, and get away with it? It’s pretty random and we don’t live near here. So, nothing to connect us".
They looked at me funny and I sensed that I shouldn’t have said that so I played it off by laughing like a maniacal villain and then added “you guys should have seen the look on your faces” and laughed. But I wonder what memorable experience it would have been if they had replied: “yeah let’s try it”. Though I’ve been told that’s not normal thinking, I always wonder why they say it isn’t normal. I’m the only one that thinks this way, right?

So now I’d rather we shut up and just do “normal” fun stuff. Unfortunately, most people around me want to talk, especially girls. I’m actually surprise that those three friends are still around because I give the minimum attention I could give. And when we hang out, I rarely converse with them. I let them talk amongst themselves while I pre-occupy myself with other things that interest me more, like undressing the waitress in my mind and wondering if she likes being choked. They just see me as the aloof, weird, quiet one in the group. They always joke around saying, that I can count on them, when I snap one day. I feel grateful for those words but I don’t really trust them. That’s normal too, right?