nothing much

[aLittleLost]

my heart is quite heavy feeling. I'm posting here because there is nothing really to reply to.

I thought that reading other peoples experiences would bring me some perspective. In a way it has but it's got me reflecting on my life... my upbringing... and who i am today. I'm not going to blame the past for my problems. I've pretty much dealt with most of that. I've accepted a lot of it and i've moved on.
Yet i am still stuck. I should be at the peak of my career, i have great friends, a supportive core group of close people, yet I'm not sure if i'll ever be mentally 'well'.

My eating problems have gone on so long that they are unlikely to go away. My whole belief/value system/morals/sense of self are utterly bonkers. What i feel and what i do are two completely different things - like i have an inner and an outer life - i'm sure this is not unusual, but they are utterly conflicting. For example my outburst yesterday - i call it an outburst as i felt like i was going insane... on the outside to other people, however it was blank and hopefully undetectable. I feel very alone.

I desperately want to love and be loved by someone, yet i won't let them in to give it a try.

I desperately want to speak about my problems to someone that can help me but my mouth stays glued shut

I want to be utterly selfish and attention seeking, but my actions are always selfless.

I have always been strong. I have had to be a survivor. I am a survivor. So why am i letting myself crack????????




... and now i just want to binge