They've been away for 10 days, during which my sleep schedule has stabilized and I needed fewer meds per day. I even went out to see a counselor comfortably. I even enjoyed seeing my Mum'n'Dad-in-law. Normally I don't, because I feel guilty of spending time with them regularly as opposed to sporadically with my Mama and Grandma. Of course, that's explained by the differences in their (in)SANITY LEVELS!!!!!!!!
My new counselor mentioned something about my mother and how she wanted to talk more about it. I thought she was full of it, but kept it to myself.
Then, the next day, out of the blue, I'm at my Mum'n'Dad's...their dog is "helping with the dishes" by sticking most of his body into the open dishwasher...and I compulsively find it hilarious to say, "Awww, he's so cute! He reminds me of my mother with her head in the oven."
I've shared this in another thread. "This" meaning using humor as a defense mechanism. I mentioned something about being over my mother and grandmother's problems, and the humor just dangling there.
I've never even seen my mother with her head in the oven. I've just heard hers and my grandmother's recounts of her suicide attempts. What I did see is my mother's bloody footprints on my kitchen floor when my stepfather stole her "divorce evidence" folder and she took a bunch of pills and washed them down with some vodka. She must have dropped and broken the glass, then cut her feet on it. I didn't see it either. She did it while I was dogsitting at someone else's house. My grandmother was vacationing out of the country. I subsequently got full power of attorney over my mother and finished the divorce, getting back the money that my grandmother gave to my stepdad...I could have got a lot more, but that's all my mother wanted.
What a lovely gift following my 18th birthday...watching my mother pass charcoal urine through a catheter...
That wasn't the end of it. I and they moved. I had an apartment; my grandmother dragged me back. She sabotaged me because she needed me. I internalized that it was wrong for me to be independent, to have a job while in school. She would scream at me if I spent too long on the phone, even though I was writing the checks to pay the bills. She would criticize my choice of employment as a residential painter/flooring installer. So what if I'm female, I would tell her. Nothing was good enough. She was hurting. She made me hurt, too.
I'm 27 now, and I have internalized that it's "bad" for me to be on my own. Even though my mother and grandmother got better and helped me buy a house. (Quid pro quo; I helped them sell theirs! In THIS ###$ market!!!) I've also internalized that I don't belong at work; any work or workplace. I've internalized, to an extent, that I don't have my choice of house. I'm stuck as a teenager, not sure what age.
I have problems remembering what year it is sometimes. Just now, thinking how long ago all this happened, I thought it was 2007. This "year error" happens a lot.
2003, I think it was, when all of this ended. When she got out of the state hospital. I'm not sure. I don't remember.
I've never even seen my mother with her head in the oven. All I know is that she's done it. I also know from my grandmother, that my mother left the oven on one night while we all slept. She thought that she had irreparably ###$ up our lives, so the only solution (in her mind) was to kill me, my grandmother, and our dog.
I thought I was over this. I learned to laugh about it. I learned to laugh with my mother about how her brain isn't "fried" [by electro-convulsive therapy], it's just "well done."
WELL, APPARENTLY I'M NOT OVER THEIR AND MY PROBLEMS, since it's 9:23 AM on the day that they're supposed to return from vacation, I've already taken 1/2 of my daily allowance of clonazepam and I'm already drunk! I don't even drink often anymore!
I need to bring this up in my next session...I'm realizing my counselor was right.
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